Martha Stewart

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Jimmy Stewart in his early years as a famous Hollywood actor.

Martha Stewart (née James Maitland Stewart, 20 May 1908) was born to parents Yao Ming and Monica Lewinsky in Indiana, Pennsylvania, Wyoming, and New Jersey.

As a teenager he earned the nickname "Martha" by dressing up in his mother's clothing and dancing for pie crusts at the local confectionery. It was there that he got his start in both acting and homemaking. In an interview in 2006 with Oprah Winfrey, he, now a she, disclosed how she was not merely a confused child but a budding activist in the worldwide LGBTQ Movement.

Career[edit]

Here is Jimmy "Martha" Stewart before he/she/it finished the change. During this time he/she/it also created Wal-Mart Monster.

Jimmy was soon discovered by the world-famous talent agent Andrew Lloyd Webber, who asked Jimmy to work on the set of his upcoming film "Kidz Bop II", entertaining the cast and crew with his antics and knitting sweater vests for them.

Early movie career[edit]

Martha Stewart's Christmas Special, where she did it all topless.

Jimmy quickly rose out of obscurity, followed soon after by stardom when he landed his first movie role in Star Trek II: The Grapes of Wrath. The movie was an unprecedented success, and Jimmy quickly became the most sought-after woman in Hollywood. After a press conference in which he cleared up a few misconceptions about himself, Jimmy quickly became the most sought-after man in Hollywood.

Military life[edit]

Martha Stewart created her own hand-made battleships out of toothpicks and tin cans. She then got her millions of clubs to become her troops. After picking plants for her garden, Martha declared war on China for stopping the work of children in craft shops. The next day, Martha had a blockade of her pink pretty ships of DOOM! ready in China. She bombarded the shores with dozens of pipe cleaners and glass jars filled with cookie mix. Once her troops got to shore, they would start bake sales and volunteer for things. Sadly, her troops got tired of doing this. Plus, the Red Guard killed her troops on sight. The Red Guard soon went to the shore to fight Martha's Army. The Red Guard had AK-47's. Martha's troops had hand-made picture frames. Martha sent wave after wave of troops to their deaths. After 10 min's of fighting, the Red Guard started to kick Martha's flagship till it sank. As the S.S. Martha sank Martha's last words were "THE STEWART'S WILL HAVE THEIR REVENGE!!!"

Homemaker[edit]

"Martha" Stewart in her later years, as a famous homemaker and media tit.

After a series of extremely successful films including "Smitty J. Goes To Hollywood", "Star Wars Episode 83"" and "Star Trek III: The Quest for the Holy Braille", a disastrous military career and a prolonged period of sexual confusion, Jimmy "Martha" Stewart decided it was time to branch out and pursue his early boyhood hobby: homemaking.

After some minor plastic surgery and a new name, "Martha" Stewart launched "her" new television show and magazine, titled "Martha Stewart's Pimped Cribs." The franchise was a complete success and soon she introduced a line of house-keeping products including linens, towels, enslaved midgets, and scented urinal cakes. She was a media titan.

Martha's top-selling book "Gardening for Dummies" brought superstar status in many countries. Martha Stewart went on to produce world-famous wine under the brand Martha's Vineyard.

Martha also made cookies and soon after got attacked by a monster who liked cookies.

Legal issues[edit]

In early 2002, Martha Stewart was arrested for the premeditated slaughter of the minority shareholders of ImClone, a technology startup and drug deal gone bad in which she had invested nearly a quarter-million dollars. After a high-speed car chase lasting over 6 weeks and covering all seven continents, Martha Stewart was finally captured by the FBI. She was cuffed and disarmed of an AK-47 and other various weapons she had stored in her pants. The ensuing trial was long and gruelling for all parties involved; especially Martha's defense lawyer, O.J. Simpson. After over 3 years of deliberation, Martha was finally found guilty and she was sentenced to 7,700 consecutive life sentences. Many found this sentence to be ridiculous, and Martha's defense team fought hard to get the sentence reduced to the somewhat more sensible 1,500 consecutive life sentences.

End of Life[edit]

Martha died on July 9th, 2019 in a federal prison in Connectthedots after fellow inmates beat her severely for trying to make their beds. This caused many prisoners to miss important appointments because of their overriding intent to unmake the beds again, causing a generally unhappy atmosphere.

Sadly, killing off one of Martha Stewart doesn't kill them all.

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission thought they had cracked the ImClone case. They believed the wave of insider trading which made the stock nosedive at the end of 2001 was simply driven by the Food and Drug Administration's refusal to approve Erbitux, its experimental monoclonal antibody to treat colon cancer. How wrong they were. Little did they realise that this drug scheme was merely a front.

World domination, the ImClone way

ImClone, a small bio-technology company, was founded in 1984 to clone Martha Stewart. The logic behind ImClone was simple but ruthless. The strangle-hold of the Martha Stewart Omnimedia organisation was built upon one and only one asset: Martha Stewart herself. If she were to be killed or captured, the empire would crumble. A lesser tyrant like George Bush or Saddam Hussein would have addressed the issue by hiring body doubles (there are many George Bush doubles, each identified by a letter - with the latest revision being Dubya). For a small, national banana republic this may be adequate, but for an international corporate empire?

Enter ImClone, short for "I'm a clone and so am I!" With ImClone's technology, the genetically-engineered Martha Stewart empire could live forever. Even if the authorities were to catch one Martha, the laboratory would only clone ten more, one hundred more, one thousand more, one million more in her place. Martha is unstoppable.

Unfortunately, the scheme contained one miscalculation; there was no termination condition. A dozen or two of Martha might be tolerable, at least if the sad alternative were a dozen Marie Kondo clones "thanking" all of your worldly possessions for failing "to bring you joy" and pitching them all to the kerb... but a million? The demand for clones is finite. On December 27, 2001, one of the Martha clones realised what was happening and launched the panic sale of about $230,000 in ImClone shares. ImClone's executives, unsure whether this was the real Martha behind this housekeeping or merely a clone, frantically followed suit.

The Securities and Exchange Commission swooped in, with handcuffs. They were able to capture one of Martha but, not realising the full extent of the danger, unknowingly left the opportunity for others to escape. A thousand clones of Martha still stand ready to protect and safeguard her corporate media empire, Martha Stewart Omnimedia, with authorities oblivious in the mistaken belief that one Martha being captured and killed in prison would end the reign of omnimedia terror.

ImClone got FDA approval for the Erbitux drug on February 12, 2004; the company was sold to Eli Lilly Co. for $6.5 billion on October 6, 2008. The new owners deny all knowledge of ImClone's role in creating the Martha clones. The League of Justice has been summoned to the scene of the crime but there have been no further arrests; the devastation appears to be total. It is too late... and yes, Martha is far too tidy to have left any fingerprints anywhere.

Robo-Martha[edit]

RM Version 1.0. Compatible with Chuck Norris Ninja Bots.

Martha's DNA was preserved by some flunky who was unaware of the ImClone cloning scheme. After she was assassinated in prison, a half human-half robo version was created. Robo-Martha 1.0 (OR RM1.0) had three basic features. Cook, clean and destroy. It was later upgraded to 1.5 and the ability to search the net was added.

See also[edit]