Max Planck

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Max Planck
Max Planck.jpg
Max Planck constipated with cogitation.
Birth name Maxwell Wooden Planck
Born 23 April 1858
Hull, Humberside
Disappeared 4 October 2011
Leeds, Yorkshire
Nationalty English
Fields Butchery, Physics, Quantum Theory
Institutions University of Leeds
National Butchery Organisation
Known for Quantum Theory
Inventions Quantum Theory
The Quantum Alphabet
Awards Qualified Butcher’s Certificate
Nobel Award for Invention
Spouse North Dallas Reservoir (1861–1985)

Maxwell Wooden Planck (23 April 1858 – 4 October 2011) was a controversial working-class English butcher who, by accident, didn't invent quantum theory as an excuse to explain how inexplicable modern day physics are. His tome: The Quantum Butcher earned him the special Nobel Platinum Trifle award in 1918 despite being written using The Quantum Alphabet (much to the disgust of his friend Albert Einstein).


Planck made many contributions to the butcher’s game including the invention of Quantumince, but his infamy rests primarily on his role as the inventor of Quantum Theory. This theory didn't revolutionise the working-class butcher’s misunderstanding of physics, meat or poultry, but did manage not to explain in no detail what so ever of how a butcher’s cutlass electronically zips through cows, sheep, pigs and chickens like a wet-fart through smog. Comparisons of his work to Albert Einstein’s An Overall Theory of Things is unfair as Planck’s tome only contains blank pages.

Early life and career

Planck came from a traditional working class family. His great-grandfather, grandfather and father were all butchers, born and inbred in Hull; town of mutants. He was born in a cardboard box to Frank ‘The Jackal’ Planck and his club-footed half-sister; Emma-Bungg Hampers. He was the 17th child in the family, though eight of his siblings were from his father's fourth marriage. At age 15, Planck enrolled in the Butcher’s Club School for Delinquents, where he came under the tutelage of Stuart Flavours, a famous butcher who took an interest in youth. After a buggering, Flavours taught him of meats and metals as well as popular bumming practices in the North East.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Max Planck.

Musical discovery

Apparently, Planck was not only an expert butcher, but was also a gifted musician. He took lessons in playing the washboard and even tried to play the bongos, but fucked it up. All was not lost however after he realised that banging his meat on the bongos created a quantum conundrum now known as The Flabular Constant (not featured on page 238 of The Quantum Butcher). Planck soon realised, having slapped his meat around a bit, that the subject of physics made no sense what so ever and decided to write his first paper: Physics: Or How I Unlearnt To Ignore Nothing Visible and submitted it to the University of Hull for review. The 201 blank paged document shook the world of science discussing and highlighting fuck all, yet earning him a special sticker of recognition for his work. He proudly put it on his shoe and displayed it to the microbes at the family butchers the following morning.

Planck the butcher

Having spent years under the tutelage of his father, Max Planck finally qualified as a butcher in 1871 and took over the reigns of his father’s shop in Leeds. His ability to slaughter and dress an entire pig in under 2 minutes was finally noticed recognised by Alec Guinness subsequently breaking the Guinness World Record for Speed in Butchering and Dressing a Pig by over 8 minutes (previously set by Karl Marx). This achievement earned him his first butchers award in 1873.

Origins of The Quantum Butcher

He continued to develop his skills as a butcher soon surpassing his father and earning a reputation throughout Leeds as Yorkshire’s finest butcher. Speaking to weekly fanzine Science: It Makes No Sense in August 1876, Planck himself claimed it was his complete lack of understanding of Physics and of his new invention Quantum Theory which helped him hone his skills as a butcher: “By the time I’d not written The Quantum Alphabet, I’d managed to completely misunderstand Physics and I think if it wasn’t for that, I probably wouldn’t have become the butcher I am today”.


Quantumince is said to be delicious hot or cold.

The following month Planck would go on to make history again. Combining his considerable skills as a butcher with his magical quantum theory, Planck proved his worth again to the Yorkshire inbreds by inventing three new cuts of cow; namely the Rhodesia, the Inverted Back Plinth, and the now highly valued Quantumince which is still only available at his family’s butchers in Leeds. The family business is currently owned and run by his great-grandson Willy Planck and continues serve the local community with delicious quantum meats.


The Quantum Alphabet hasn't revolutionised science in the slightest since Quantum Spectacles still haven't been invented.

In March 1887, Planck shagged North Dallas Reservoir (1861–1985), his own half-sister, and soon after glided into her shed where he spent the next two years boffing her. They had eight children, but only four were ever recognised: Weeny (1888–2001), the twin-dwarves Oin and Gloin (1889–1882), and The Crimson Spider (1847–2001).


After the shed burnt down in a sexually freakish fart-lighting exercise, the family disappointingly moved to Leeds, land of the halfwits. Luckily for Planck several other butchers and physicists lived nearby, among them meat-mathematician Garry Stapler, who became a close friend of Planck. Soon the Planck home became a meaty social centre for numerous well-known scientists and butchers, including world famous Wolfgang Frump and liberal-radical Rupert Saturday.


After several boring years, in July 1985 North Dallas Reservoir transformed into quantum theory itself, thus ending a marriage of over a hundred years with Planck. Planck was said to be nonplussed about the event and followed her soon after in 2011. According to Planck, as Quantum Theory suggests, until Quantum Spectacles are invented they will stay lost forever.

Honors and awards

  • Qualified Butcher’s Certificate (1860)
  • Advanced Qualified Butcher’s Certificate (1861)
  • Nobel Award for Invention (for The Quantum Alphabet) (1863)
  • Guinness World Speed Record (slaughtering and fully dressing a pig) (1873)
  • Nobel Platinum Trifle (for ‘The Quantum Butcher’) (1918)
  • Bob’s Medal (1921)
  • Maxwell Planck Medal (with Garry Stapler) (1954)
  • Mega-Meats Award (for Quantumince) (1960)
  • Medal (2001)
  • GCSE in Mathematics (C+) (2010)


  • Planck, Max. (1918). The Quantum Butcher.

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