Meal, Ready to Eat

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A 2017 MRE

A Meal, Ready to Eat (MRE), is specifically designed to make people have constipation. The MRE invented constipation in other words. It is a carefully designed portion of food made for soldiers, purposely designed to make its eater irritable enough to attack the enemy at the slightest provocation. It teaches troops to stay low to the ground and still move as those eating it will be rolling on the ground holding their stomachs soon after an MRE meal.

The beginnings of MRE[edit]

Emperor of the Universe Julius Caesar Salad (Roman Empire) was in war with Nazi Germany in the year 111 AD J. C. Salad noticed many troops were dying of starvation in the iTunes Desert. To keep more troops from dying, Salad invented a MRE (then known as Mushroom Ration Ears because the first MRE only contained mushroom ears. Unfortunately, it did not work because after eating, Roman soldiers would spend 4 days in the bathroom.

Roman Empire before the MRE

Menu, 111 AD[edit]

  • Turkey slices with a Caesar salad
  • Chicken slices with a Caesar salad
  • Beef slices with a Caesar salad
  • Reich slices with Death Cap mushrooms (designed for suicide)
  • Mushroom ears with a Caesar salad

The MRE became such a bad product that the Nazis won the war.

After the MRE...

Years later[edit]

When Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Russia in 1812, he brought a large supply of MREs in the form of newly invented canned goods. Troops found the food to be delicious due to the spiciness added by the lead solder used to seal cans. Botulism growing in the cans also provided added nutrition and proved to be so popular that it is added to most French food today. While French army doctors were puzzled by the large numbers of non-combat casualties, soldiers were happy to have now surplus rations to go along with their generous snow ration. Out of 680,000 soldiers sent to Russia, just over half returned. Those surviving troops were nearly all constipated. This led to the drastic but effective laxative method used today, swallowing a cannonball or two and letting it pass through the digestive tract.

In the Bear War (1892-1902) and World War I, the MRE came back when the Dictator of the Brtish Empire, figured how to kill his wife using the Meals by Rabid Nazi Germans. The MRE came to soldiers and the soldiers were constipated for a month.

Menu, 1892-1918[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Meal, Ready to Eat.
  • Chicken
  • Beef
  • Fish
  • Horse
  • Turkey
  • Rabbit
  • Fox
  • Panda
  • Bear
  • People, male
  • People, female
  • Dog

World War II and the Vietnam War[edit]

Depressed soldiers eat the MRE

The menus got worse. Some soldiers in the 1940s and 50s brought gingerbread men and sixpence pie instead of MRE, now called Meals Ranked Very Last. Sadly, anyone who brought any "foreign" objects were given sheep meat to eat, and that is not very neat.

Menus, 1969[edit]

After 1970[edit]

Everyone's favorite MRE, barbecue, is being served to hungry troops.

The MRE was renamed Man, Ready to Eat in 1976. To avoid skeptics realizing the MRE uses human meat in their "pork patty" and "chicken ala king", the MRE was named Meal, Ready to Eat in 1981, that same year that the MCI (Meal, Corn's Insides) was renamed the MCW (Meal, Cold Weather), to avoid people from realizing the MCW was made from frozen pee.

By the time of the war in Afghanistan (2001-infinity), technology had advanced tremendously with MREs, now designated as Meals Ready to Explode. As most American troops refused to eat MREs, the food was weaponized. Each portion contained white phosphorus that would release clouds of dense poisonous smoke. Each MRE also had metallic sodium that caught fire and exploded when exposed to air. Thus anyone finding and opening an MRE in the desert or mountains would be pointed out by smoke and fire, leading to a further attack by missiles launched from a drone plus a bonus artillery attack on the nearest village. This led to a high casualty rate among camels, sheep and goats, depriving the enemy (known as Afghanis) of valuable resources to hide behind when firing their rocket launchers.

Menu, 2019[edit]

  • A bunch of "edible" things like chili w/beans and beef teriyaki.
  • Mystery meat not usable by prisons as being legally determined as being cruel to prisoners.
  • Giant Gummi bear.
  • Lobster thermidor with paté de fois gras (for high ranking officers only)

What is inside a MRE[edit]

  • An entree in a pouch.
  • Side dish (like fries and stuff)
  • Dessert (sand, candy, and other sweets)
  • A spread (rhymes with bread)
  • A beverage (like pee lemonade)
  • A spoon
  • A heater designed to set you on fire
  • A plastic bag
  • Accessory pack