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Raptor-velocity is the speed at which the Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor can fly into the air, sail amidst the clouds, and decimate an entire village. Alternately, it is the speed at which the production of the Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor drives the United States further into debt. The highest recorded raptor-velocity is 24 seconds, achieved during the Iraq War over the peaceful village of Al-Imor, murdering 260 civilians and costing the United States 3 billion dollars in bombs and fuel.

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor

45 billion dollars of platinum alloy and pure speed.

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor is a ludicrously costly and efficient mass killing machine. It has a powerful subsonic radar that can spot out enemy aircraft from over 20 miles, has homing missiles that can hit a thumbtack from 16,000 feet away, and a bomb bay that holds over 65 state of the art mini-nukes, or "mooks." All-in-all, a single Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor costs over 16 billion dollars, and can kill over 350 people per minute when fully armed.

It's deadly.[1]

It's unrivaled.[2]

It's fucking fast.[3]

Fucking Fast

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor is so fucking fast.

How fast is it?

It's so fast that it makes fast food look like regular food.

Shit, that's fast

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor has such a high raptor-velocity that just mentioning it makes it rise another 20 miles per hour. A documentary crew attempted to film it during take off in 2008, but it went so fast that it knocked the "r" right off of "raptor." And that doesn't even make sense.

Fucking murderous

A Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor pilot accidentally drops his thermonuclear ultracigarette.

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor is so fucking murderous

How murderous is it?

It's so murderous that it makes John Wayne Gacy look like a regular clown.

Shit, that's murderous

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor has raptor-velocity off the charts thanks to its extra murderousness. If it wasn't so murderous, then it would just be like any other fast thing.[4] But it isn't like any of those things, because those things can't kill nothing for shit.[5]

Fucking expensive

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor is so fucking expensive.

How expensive is it?

It's so expensive that it is worth more than the combined GDP of every African nation except Nigeria.[6]

Shit, that's expensive

A typical Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor cockpit.

The Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor has an absurdly high raptor-velocity thanks in part to its massive expense. It just wouldn't be so fun to bomb the living shit out of anything that moves if we couldn't brag about how many African nations it costs. That's prime decadence, folks.

A scientific approach to Raptor-velocity

Since some people are scientists and they never shut up until someone hears their side of the argument, a mathematical equation has been formulated to calculate Raptor-velocity:

This, of course, means absolutely nothing, but no one needs to tell that to the scientists.[7]

Recorded Raptor-velocity

The only records of raptor-velocity have been provided by the pilots of the Raptors themselves, since no one else dares go near one, in fear of setting off the remote retina-scanning protective lasers. Since they are the sole historians, these pilots often deck themselves out in mountains of solid gold jewelry before taking off to maximize expense. After the violent run is complete, they send the results back to HQ and crash the Raptor into the side of a mountain for that extra death, and to ensure the Raptor can never be used again, paving the road for future enormous expenses.

That's pretty intense

It's not just intense, it's raptor-velocity intense.

Fucking References

  1. You better believe it's deadly.
  2. It eats other fighter jets for breakfast.
  3. Zoom! Where did it go?
  4. Like Speedy Gonzalez, or the Road Runner.
  5. Well, the Road Runner is pretty dangerous.
  6. Fuck Nigeria.
  7. Just throw some bibles at them until they shut up
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