Reverse Holocaust

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A small group of people enjoying what is possibly the opposite of the Holocaust.

The Reverse Holocaust is a term referring to a handful of hypothetical situations a variety of freewheeling philosophers like to occasionally throw around. These situations range from the metaphorical Reverse Holocaust, to the most literal Reverse Holocaust, and every Reverse Holocaust in between. Despite decades of arguing, philosophers of all camps have yet to decide on which situation is the objective "best."


Adolf Hitler kickstarted the Reverse Holocaust philosophy machine in the 1930s by implementing the Forward Holocaust, or "Holocaust" for short. This was a critical moment in philosophy history, and without it, thoughts of a Reverse Holocaust would just be a fevered dream of some redheaded madman.

It did not take years for philosophers to start deconstructing the Forward Holocaust to reverse it; in fact, the very first inkling of a Reverse Holocaust was suggested parallel to the Holocaust by Hitler's #2 Rudolf Hess. Hess was slightly uncomfortable with gassing millions to death, since some of his closest friends were Jewish (or at least he claimed every time he told a dirty joke), and proposed an alternate gas chamber where prisoners laughed themselves to death with nitrous oxide. The bold emotional contrast of coupling hilarity with mass murder was an idea far ahead of its time, but Hitler was having none of it. Hess stepped down in disrepute.

Years later, a madman, unfortunately not ginger, named Adorno led the concept through its growing pains in his treatise Auschwitz: Can We Undo It? Though the text raised some interesting questions about the relevancy of Utopian imagery in a post-disaster society, the response to the titular question from the critical community was a resounding "No." Adorno quit his position at the University of Frankfurt in disrepute, though not before pilfering some Nitrous Oxide from the dean's stash.


Reverse Holocaust: An Anti-Holocaust?

The philosophy community began to warm up to the concept by applying their own individual brand to it. Dennett fathomed the Reverse Holocaust's fundamental concept as a triumph of human accomplishment so great that it completely cancels out the ills of the Holocaust. This idea has gained considerable approval from German philosophers who, in a state of denial, believe the Reverse Holocaust will net humanity humongous profits, seeing as the original Holocaust probably never happened.

Reverse Holocaust: A Reverse Utopia?

Some theorists posit that the Holocaust was the true Reverse Holocaust, since many victims had their lives flip-turned upside down.

Another camp rose up in the '80s foreseeing the Reverse Holocaust as something more dystopian and sinister: a state where society perfects itself to such an extent that all free will is eradicated. Humans would be systematically rounded up and transported to beautiful resorts by the sea, where they wither away their lives playing racquetball and receiving oral sex. This too-perfect society is terrifying for most pessimistic philosophers to imagine, let alone conceptualize, leaving some to ponder if a Reverse Holocaust could be worse than the Holocaust itself.

The response from the Jewish community was a resounding "No."


Reverse Holocaust: A Chronological Nightmare?

As the years progressed, the theoretical interpretations of the Reverse Holocaust entered more obscure territory. The darkest iteration yet is that of Alex D. Large of Ithaca University, who posited that a Reverse Holocaust, "Is actually the real Holocaust, but God accidentally sat on the remote and hit the 'rewind,' button."

This type of nightmare would see such horrors as the Nazis discovering a large trove of passed-out Jewish people underground, reviving them with a steamy shower, then sending them back to their respective homes on freight trains. After they make it back to their homes, the Nazis periodically turn up to return possessions, usually of the golden variety, that they happened across in their drawers and stockpiles. The Jews, ever grateful, express their gratitude by removing the Star of David emblem from their shirtsleeves and, over a period of thousands of years, gradually move back to Israel and crawl back into Rebekah's womb.

Which brings us to our final interpretation.

Reverse Holocaust: Some Feminist Hogwash?

Some female philosopher argued that a Reverse Holocaust would be a Jewish woman giving birth to six million babies at once. This notion is entirely silly, however. What kind of a woman would fancy herself a philosopher?

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