Robert E. Lee
Robert E. Lee was not racist. He would have gladly owned slaves of any color had the Northern Tyrants not insisted they only own black people. Lee was a general that served the Confederacy, and had over 9000 troops at his disposal, graduating 2nd in his class at West Point his archenemy was Ulysses S. Grant, an alcoholic Union general who was 21st in his class, showing that standardized testing in schools isn't always an accurate gauge of ones true abilities, that or maybe having overwhelming numbers and technological resources wins more wars than any one individual's ability, with an army only as strong as it's weakest link. Robert E. Lee is also the grand father of the controversial martial arts leader Bruce Lee.
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| Date of birth: | January 19, 1807 | |
| Place of birth: | Stradfort Hall, Virginia | |
| Nationality: | American, particularly from the Southern United States. Thus, South American | |
| Date of Passing: | October 12, 1870 | |
Civil War[edit]
Robert E. Lee, along with Stonewall Jackson led the Confederate armies during the Civil War. Jefferson Davis gave him a bad ass laser cannon to help him kill his enemies, along with a HUGE ass battleship. He was prepared to kick the ass of the Union. Although they were outnumbered significantly, he was well-prepared to utterly pwn them.
He participated in many battles to come....
Battle of Bull Run[edit]
Robert E. Lee regularly watched how the Confederacy was doing on his giant TV. One particular time he watched how the battle was doing was during the Battle of Bull Run.
The Union all died horrible deaths. The Confederacy rick rolled the Union, causing their heads to explode. The clever strategy easily won them the match.
It was Robert E. Lee's personal idea, although he did not actually participate in the battle.
Unfortunately for him, many Confederacy soldiers decided that the war was already over and went home. Robert E. Lee proceeded to peel his hair out.
Battle of Miami[edit]
Lee outmaneuvered and outsmarted the Union troops controlled by General Dr. Martin Luther King. With his intricate knowledge of the Union's unmanned drone program, Lee and lieutenant Colonel Sanders were easily able to defeat the Union army of more than 10,000,000 aerial robots singlehandedly, their other hands lost in light saber duels with union officers and replaced with cybernetics manned by dozens of tiny slaves.
Battle of Antietam[edit]
Lee crushed everything in his path, up until he met a general of the Union Team, George McClellan. George McClellan kicked his ass, and Robert E. Lee was forced to retreat with one-third of his army dead.
Fortunately, George was a lazy bum and decided not to pursue him and instead took a nice long nap. Abraham Lincoln was pissed off and canned George McClellan.
Suffice to say, Robert E. Lee was rather happy about that, later commenting that he could have used a nap as well...
Battle of Chancellorville[edit]
After this little mishap, Robert E. Lee continued to kick ass and chew bubblegum. So many members of the Union....were dying left and right. Gravestones were everywhere.
It was a bloody mess. However, one day while Stonewall Jackson was riding back to camp a Union cavalryman was spotted by two gaurds. They shot him and saw him fall off the horse. When they went to recover the body they found Stonewall with two bullets in his shoulder. Th' damn'd Yankee mustah got 'im! Stonewall Jackson had to have his arm amputated, and he caught pnuemonia and died, much to the joy of the Union.
Battle of Gettysburg[edit]
Not long after Robert E. Lee lost his right-hand goon, things started to go wrong for the Confederacy. The Confederacy marched headlong into the battlefield thinking they would win for sure. Little did they know that the Union had a secret weapon...
The Union pulled out a box. They opened it and out came a ferocious dinosaur named Barney Frank. As it turns out, the prehistoric monster had decided to join the Union. He went around eating every Confederate soldier in sight. It did not end well for the Confederacy....it was a bloodbath for them.
Robert E. Lee once again lost one-third of his cousins. He attempted to leave the Confederacy, but Jefferson Davis forced him to stay at gunpoint.
Surrender at Appomattox Court House and Death[edit]
Eventually Robert E. Lee, following the Confederacy being nuked thanks to the work of Alfred Nobel, decided to attempt to sign a peace treaty with Ulysses S. Grant. He rode to a shitty town known as Appomattox Court House in his awesome ride where Grant was waiting.
Fortunately for him, Ulysses S. Grant was in a rather generous mood. He simply wanted to end the War of Northern Aggression, and so made a compromise with the South to create NASCAR in return for the Confederacy's surrender.
Death[edit]
Robert E. Lee died in 1870 from acute disappointment. His birthday is celebrated by Federalists every year by pulling down one of the statues in his honour and sending it to be melted down and turned into commemorative dinner plates celebrating the presidency of Abraham Lincoln.