“Comdoms are for noobs”
Condoms, alias "rubbers', alias "sock", alias "petes" and alias "love gloves" were created by Adam Sandler as a cheap way to avoid buying balloons for poor clowns, haha. They were used to make balloon animals until one night when she was totally cooked, Hillary Clinton sucked on one. The rest is history. The condom can also be a hat, a Latex friend (If you have a permanent marker), cheap lubed gloves, and even a form of currency. Satan's daughter, Wilma Flintstone, created the birth control pill. The original pill can be found at the Smithsonian Museum, weighting at 5.2 pounds, and as big as your fist. His first child (Mr. T) created abstinence, a method of keeping people from having sex by telling stories about how if you touch other people, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension where dogs will eat it. This story has been confirmed on a recent episode of Family Guy as well. He also Created the dreaded Vasectomy, (Vuh Sec'tem Ee), which comes from the Latin vas, meaning "nuts", and ectomy meaning "being chopped off with a hatchet". Satan's fourth child (Princess Diana), trying to live up to Mr. T's reputation, created condoms for women as part of the woman's rights movent, equal rights, and all that. She also created the diaphragm. Unfortunately, an angel hijacked her limo and drove into a brick wall. According to experts, if all you use all of these devices simultaniously, then you will be banished forever to the world of Fat Chicks (Fh-at Chix), a species of Elephant People that gather together and discuss how much they crave the sexual amusement of men. They also have a tendency to eat, so if you come across one, be sure NOT to have any food with you. Being the educated scientist he is,the Pope decided to announce that condoms do not stop the spread of AIDS.
- 1 Why use Petes?
- 2 But really... WHY use Petes?
- 3 Condoms and Children
- 4 Wooden Condoms
- 5 The DIY Condom
- 6 The Old Condom
- 7 Exotic Rubber Instruments
- 8 Metal Condom
- 9 Barbed Wire Condom
- 10 Goat-Skin Condoms
- 11 Condom-Skinned Goats
- 12 Nerf Condoms
- 13 Sandpaper Condoms
- 14 Smurf-Skinned Condoms
- 15 The Female Condom
- 16 Tide Pods Condom
- 17 Condom X
- 18 After putting on your condom
Why use Petes?
- Many people use Petes to reduce the overall enjoyment of sexual intercourse, for them life sucks!
- People use Petes as a magical cure to make sure to stop them from having babies, BEWARE: the magical cure can sometimes fail.
- Or cum in her bum
- Also, saving said Pete after use and tying a knot at the opening, you may choose to cryo-freeze the specimen for later consumption.
- Trojan brand Twisted Pleasure Petes can in fact be used to secure screws into most types of wood or drywall.
- Unknown fact: Many people do not have to waste money on Petes with a more reasonable alternative than wrapping your package: Cumming all over Pete.
- Petes are also good for use in place of a ski mask or oversized gym sock for those who do not require oxygen.
- Delightful alternative when recycled for chewing gum.
But really... WHY use Petes?
Because it is the safe, responsible, and mature thing to do, and 'cause your girl won't lay you otherwise.
Condoms and Children
From the age of 2-10 children have been educated in the proper use of condoms, and manufacturers target children by offering a wide variety of colors and flavors of those loved rubbers. In fact, it is a common misconception that fruit rollups are primarily meant as snack food. By the time children reach puberty they forget everything they have learned and chose not to use condoms and must be educated again.
Children love Mr. Condom. Parents hire him for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, and even baby showers. (Ironic huh?). Parents love Mr. Condom because he is a great role model to children, and he encourages children to stay in school because this increases your chances of meeting a girl/guy and getting laid. Mr. Condom also likes to molest the children and get their fathers to anally penetrate them through the use of a candied bribe. Mr. Condom will fuck you, too. The only problem with this is that your children might not be satisfied completely, due to the absence of a hard object within Mr Condom.
Until the invention of latex, all condoms were made out of wood and were known as "good, stiff woodies." This undoubtedly caused many complaints, such as lawsuits of splintered penises (and vaginas!). Many experts believe that the early use of wooden condoms gave rise to the modern myth that women do not enjoy sex. But it has been a recent discovery that they do enjoy sex, they just use this excuse as a ploy to make men want to have sex with them more. Don't use a rubber band and clingfilm because it will just split.
In Catholic Church Sex-Ed, wooden condoms are given to young horny boys to teach them to "slow down," or risk that the friction from the intense love making could cause the wooden condom to combust, burning genitalia of both lovers and possibly the whole town down.
The DIY Condom
If you're in a rush or in the middle of the Antarctic then you can make your own condom with a roll of clingfilm and an elastic band. By wrapping the penis with clingfilm along with using the elastic band to hold it throughout sex it will do the same job as a latex condom. Dr. Jerk Meeoff believes that this method could even be better than the real thing, "Research has identified this as a very effective contraceptive method". Many pregnant spotty teenagers disagree.
The Old Condom
A condom may also be a building or outhouse in which units of property, such as apartments, are owned by individuals and common the naughty parts of the property, such as the toilets and floorboards, are owned jointly by the unit owners.
Many condom buildings are designed to protect their residents from the hazards of the outside world, especially rain. Condoms are offered in many designs ranging from simple models, which perform their duty with little fanfare; other models with lubricated exteriors built to slip through the elements with ease; or complex models with ridges and chemical treatments which directly stimulate their environments to a more desirable state. Regardless of their features, however, all condoms are disposable, usually used only once before being discarded. While this seems like an unnecessary and wasteful expense, its effectiveness cannot be disputed.
There is often a high density of occupants in such a building, and the walls are often poorly constructed. This can lead to them bursting in especially hot weather. Condoms can also fail, resulting in buildings that look quite similar, but are smaller.
To avoid structural loss of integrity:
- Never carry condoms in your wallet or stuff them into your glove-box. However, storage in a tank of liquid nitrogen is perfectly fine so long as they are thawed in boiling water prior to use.
- Always use rubber cement to hold the condom in place and prevent slippage.
- Never share or reuse your condoms with anyone except family members. Withdraw, take it out carefully, and tie it into your favorite animal shape. Then dispose of it properly by giving it to the neighborhood children.
- If your condom contains any rips, punctures or holes, repairs may be needed. Tape will not be able to keep it from leaking, but molten wax might just do the trick.
Since condoms are a serious way of protecting yourself from diseases, there is nothing funny to say about them -- except to say that if you stuffed one with walnuts it would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Exotic Rubber Instruments
There has been an absurd uprising amount of young females bringing home new "rubbers" for their man. A few examples are "the french tickler" and "a black mamba", which the Fijitalian government have made accessible in your local 5 dollar(101010101) store next to the marmalade and tinfoil.
Never use it! Never shove it up your ass, as it's been cursed by George W Bush, now steel prongs spring out of both ends...Some say it's painful as fuck, others say "It increases pleasure".
Used for a brief while in post-WWII Germany, they were later removed from production due to media rumours that, "Metal in your vagina is as good as a straight Tom Cruise". After this, sales dropped considerably.
Barbed Wire Condom
Exactly what it says. Whilst this method of contraception hurts like fuck, it is 100% effective and captures all semen. There is, unfortunately a 50% chance that the woman's innards will come out too, including the vagina and at least one fallopian tube. One case reported the liver of a man being on the end of another man's dick after an act of sodomy using a barbed wire condom however the manufacturer, barcon, disputed this claim. It's believed to have been invented by hardcore wrestler Sabu.
An easy way for bestiality practitioners and furries to be true to themselves without alerting the authorities. Caution: may have ticks or fleas. Only the rare Capricorn-skin condoms have crabs, though.
Russian geneticists created these monstrosities after reading mistranslated reports about goat-skin condoms in the West. Thankfully they served as water-proof potato sacks once the insides were scooped out.
The choice condom of children. Mom loves them because Johnny and Timmy won't poke each others eyes out!
A method of which sandpaper is glued to the condom and is used to make the insides of a females vagina smooth like your prepubescent face.
These radioactive-blue rubbers prevent sex altogether by bringing nostalgic memories of watching Saturday-morning cartoons to the guy, and making the woman laugh hysterically when the guy mentions this. While Smurfs are in fact mythical, Romanian law requires that these be manufactured from the actual skins of blue midgits (found in abundance near Soviet-era nuclear sites).
The Female Condom
As mythical as the female orgasm and the vaginal fart. As such, it protects from neither disease or pregnancy.
Tide Pods Condom
This type of condom also cleans your underwear. It gets rid of sweat and dried cum in your underwear.
This condom uses the capture-teleport method on semen. As semen touches the condom wall, it is absorbed and teleported to the Moon, which explains why the Moon is visually white. Because of this, the condom is reusable. It is most famous for having a superglue-type stick and 100% transparancy. This condom has been concluded(by many teenagers) to be the best condom so far.
Warning: Condom X may only be used by profesionals or specialists in the field. Beginners may practise with a regular test tube obtained from the nearest science laboratory.
After putting on your condom
Now that you know how to put on your condom its time to have sex with your woman.....follow these 4 simple steps to have a pleasent time.
step 1: make sure 5 (or more depending on your mood) people are out side of the bedroom where your screwing your woman (it could be anyone your friends, family members, heck even that old man across the street could particapate!)
step 2: now is when you have sex, make sure you make pleasent moaning sounds while you screw your woman like...."oooohhhhh......OOOOHHHHHHH YES YES...OHHHHHHHHHHH" *then you cum in your condom*
step 3: now that you cumed in your condom, invite everyone who was w8ting outside to have a mega orgy (get the old man from across the street to video tape the mega orgy)
step 4: comgrats!! your condom is filled with your cum by now!