Seven Deadly Sins
The Seven Deadly Sins are both seven and deadly. Whoever has the highest five-sin combination is immediately struck down.
...AND THE DEADLY SINS OF SEVEN BE:
- Nose-picking. This is considered the evilest of all sins. Nose-picking is a surgery method employed by Jerry Q. Donaldson, who is actually Satan (don't tell anybody). The punishment for this in hell is bathing with your grandfather.
- Kitten huffing. Pretty self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being forced to listen to Boy Bands sing the oldies.
- Inventing the cotton gin. Well, Eli Whitney is screwed on this one. The punishment for this in hell is being forced to eat your face. You can ask Eli how he does it when you get there.
- Winking at a baby. This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today's culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant that you were a minion of Biff OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee's soul. The punishment for this in hell is eternal teabagging from a bull.
- Milking a goat on Wednesday. Never, never, NEVER milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of hell. Also, when in hell your punishment will include having to go through sex-ed in High School all over again.
- Hocking a loogie. Loogies are Satan-food. Especially when made in public. The punishment for this in hell is forever making windchimes from your own genitals.
- Internet downloading*. Despite RIAA's wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your hell punishment will involve you being forced to continuously belly flop into a pool of lava.
- Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. God does not appreciate people who are over corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy.
*In 1996, Internet downloading officially replaced murder as the seventh deadly sin.