“Duh... what's that red thingy with "STOP" written on it mean?”
“Ain't no stoppin' us now... we're on the move.”
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP”
The stop sign is a tall, reddish figure that usually sits on the side of a road, and is widely known to have the capacity to fly through space-time to land at the most inconvenient point necessary, and look altogether innocent while doing so. The stop sign is speculated to be one of the last pan-dimensional beings on the planet, and perhaps one of the most annoying at that. Typically a stop sign consists of something of an octagon stuck on a pole, with the word "STOP" printed in clear lettering on it, in case someone forgets what it is.
Despite having many interesting attributes about them, stop signs are also one of the least intelligent beings and show absolutely no signs of recognizing the outside world at all. Stop sign meat is very common in Canada and Antarctica for its juicy taste and convenience in making Lollipops. For example, a stop sign may appear at an intersection as a car approaches, yet there may be no reason for the vehicle to stop in the first place. Despite its many setbacks and problems, the stop sign is still obeyed by most motorists for reasons largely unknown.
History of the stop sign
The stop sign was originally part of a game developed in the 20th century, when cars were still new and shiny and people were too distracted to bother getting into accidents. The stop sign's use as we know it presently was unnecessary at the time, as people had the ability to recognize when another vehicle was coming and when it would likely be a good idea to apply pressure to the brakes.
Because people were becoming too sensible about the whole driving thing, the stop sign was created. These were small, yellow octagons placed in random areas to add something of an obstacle for the average driver. Upon coming up to a stop sign, the driver was to continue with his foot on the accelerator for as long as possible, while still being able to brake hard before the sign. If anyone was around to observe the player, style points were added for swearing, swerving, the length of the skid marks on the pavement, and naturally the inclusion of flipping the bird at thin air.
Eventually ignorance set in, and people needed something to tell them to stop at intersections, being too distracted to work that out for themselves. Thus the stop sign found a new usage in this way, but the traditional stop sign game is carried through even to this day.
As the mundanity of the stop sign's new use set in, people began to think that it would be really smart and original to use this seemingly boring tool of the evil MoDOT as a comedic prop. As such, not only was the noble integrity of the valiant stop sign compromised, but many confused motorists were seen to bow down to the apparently infinite will of MC Hammer.
Mechanics of the stop sign
Originally yellow, the stop sign's color was changed in 1955 when it was discovered that people paid more attention to red objects, such as blood pouring out of one's body or something on fire. Unfortunately red paint was in short supply that year, and imports of the letter S were lower than usual, so the creation of stop signs was somewhat expensive. In 1956 someone introduced a genius solution.
Murphy's Law, one of the most useful things in physics, was tried and tested with the stop sign. Approximately twelve new stop signs were actually produced, at which point they were discarded into an old work shed designed precisely to specifications. The theory was simple: Discarded objects tend to pop up just when they're least expected, and most unwanted. Therefore the stop signs would disappear from the shed and reappear across the world at the most inconvenient times for drivers, which is undoubtedly exactly when they are doing something wrong. (Science would again use this theory when the traffic light was invented. Instead of using timers, all three lights are put on at random times. According again to Murphy, the different lights would come on at the precise time needed to inconvenience the driver who can be most inconvenienced. So far it's managed to work exceedingly well.)
The White ("Albino") Stop Sign
The relatively rare Albino Stop Sign is native to arctic and sub-arctic lands such as Canada and the chillier parts of Siberia. A true albino has pink eyes, while many species are just white skinned. However, in the Sign's case, this point is rendered moot as the Sign does not have eyes. Thus, the popular adjective "albino" prevailed. As might be expected, the Albino Stop Sign (or "ASS" for shorthand) natural coloration enables it to blend in well in climes which see snow much of the year. Also coming as no surpise, a white stop sign in a blizzard is pretty damned close to useless and many an accident occurs because a driver didn't see the warning sign and not, as is often believed, because he had had a few too many at the local pub, or simply because he is an idiot and slammed on his brakes and slid into the intersection, unaware of the phsyics of driving on ice and snow.
While the Red stop sign is known the world over, the ASS is very rarely seen outside wintry lands. The above photograph is of one sighted in Florida, just north of Tampa, in 2015. Southerners, many of whom can boast of IQs well into the double digits, swear that these extremely rare (in the South) creatures are due to the bleaching by the abundant sun, as well as the lackadasical maintenance on side roads. However, this is just folklore. The Southern ASS is, in fact, diurnal but spends its days deep in pine thickets. This sign was probably struck by a vehicle (note crooked angle) and dazed and injured, could not escape the photographer when he snapped the photos. It is not known for certain why the ASS may occasionally be found so far south of its usual range. While snow is rare in the Deep South, it is not unknown. The last time there was significant snowfall in Florida was around 1977. However, the harsh winter of 2003 may have allowed the ASS to hitchhike south unnoticed on a vehicle from a snowbound area.
Drivers may encounter the gorgeous female buttocks, colloquially known as "ass" also. This must not be confused with the ASS of this article. It remains true that the ass is a type of road hazard, since it will distract a male driver, whether it is covered in the tradtional "Daisy Dukes" or the modern menace, the yoga pants (photo). Men should exercise caution anywhere teenage women may be, and if one is sighted he should observe this wonder of nature and try not to disturb it.
The Green Stop Sign
"Green" is actually a minsnomer; the correct name is "Traffic Signal Stop Sign" (TSSS for short). This is a mutation of the common Red sign, that has been moving into civilized areas particularly where marijuana has been legalized such as Colorado, USA. Long a legend or joke among potheads, the TSSS does in fact exist, but only is usable for those who have eyes reddened by smoking Cannibis. For ordinary (or at least, not stoned) drivers, the sign appears its normal color even when it is green (this is similar to the common form of color blindness, where a person cannot distinguish between green and red.) Man, did you know that a blueberry is green when it's red? It's true man, I swear! The symbiosis created by the beneficial union of TSSS and the hippie happily whistling along to the Grateful Dead CD, explains why statistically, stoners are safer drivers than drunks. A drunk will just run a stop sign, while a pothead will wait for it to turn green.
Less well known is the fact that in Mexico, due to its corruption resulting from drug trafficking, most stop signs have been bred to produce the message "ALTO" which, the Mexicans claim, is an abbreviation of "HALTO" ("stop") but psychologists at the National Institutes of Drug Abuse believe that this actually is the other definition for "ALTO" ("high") which thus is trying to suggest to a driver that he get "high", preferably by smoking some Mexican marijuana.