The Girl Guides

"This many boys to my tent immediately!"

Lieutenant-General Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell (22 February 1857 – 8 January 1941) made his name in Africa, pioneering the use of the Maxim Gun to pacify assegai-wielding Zulus . Later he showed that the hide shields of Matabele warriors were equally permeable to steel-cased ammunition, before moving to the Northwest frontier of British India to demonstrate the versatility of Maxim gunnery in pacifying brown people irrespective of the continent on which the conflict was taking place.

Trapped in the mining town of Mafikeng during the Boer War, Baden-Powell discovered the limited efficacy of this tactic against white, Afrikaner troops who had developed their own military innovation – hiding. Despite the shameful conduct of his foe, constant sniping, and artillery barrages, Mafikeng held out for 217 days thanks in no small part to his imaginative leadership. This saw the formation of a Cadet Corps of white, teenage boys to replace the Tswana troops who had been detonated outside the town to convince the Boers of the presence of a minefield.

Baden-Powell returned to Britain a hero and determined to use his celebrity to further his interest in boys. The Boy Scout movement was a huge hit, and soon tens of thousands of boys were parading in tight shorts and learning camp-craft.

However, to Baden-Powell's disappointment, after initial enthusiasm, many scouts were distracted from the ways of righteousness by thoughts of girls. What could be done?

The time had come for The Girl Guides.

The First Edition

The first edition of The Girl Guide was published in 1928 and sought to navigate a tricky path between informing Scouts about the mysteries of girls ("non-male boys" - in most of the text) and warning them from coming into too close contact.

"I had seen men lose their woggles over girls throughout my career and am determined to do what I could to stop the curse spreading to another generation," wrote Baden-Powell to his friend, Archbishop of Canterbury, Cosmo Lang. "Indeed, if I can but convince boys to stay away from girls entirely then I feel sure that I shall have made great service to the future of the human race. Nevertheless, the curviness of their bubbies provokes such fascination amongst previously noble youths that I feel compelled to address the topic in detail that I fear decent folk may find unwholesome.

Perhaps his biggest coup was persuading His Majesty George VI to write the foreword of the printed edition, having first (despite the significant stammer highlighted by the 2014 film, The King's Speech) recorded an audio version which was distributed around the Empire on vinyl 78.

  In this grave hour, perhaps............ the most fateful in our.... history, I send to every household of my peoples, both at home and...... overseas, this message, spoken with the same depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you myself.
  Despite our every endeavour, we are at war. Not, this time, with our pointy-headed, b..baby-bayonetting cousins in the German........ Republic with its mighty army and burgeoning naval forces. Nor with their Austrian neighbours.... with their..... creamy patiseries and....and..........and whatever else there may be in Vienna. This time, we are at war with ourselves. We are....called to meet the.......................... ch..................... ch.................. challenge of a principle. It is the principle which permits a person..... of the female persuasion... to disregard her honour in pursuit of fu.... fu...furthering her unwholesome interest in se............... securing the interest of boys.
  I know that many amongst us have felt tit... ilated by the allure of a young lady's under....... under... underlying good nature. But we must be strong in our faith and steadfast in our self-denial. The temptation to run one's hands along the rounded butt....ons of a feminine raincoat is sent by Satan to distract us from our true purpose. However beautiful our counterpart of the opposite se.... se............ gender, we must temper our desire to gaze upon her br... aids, to run our lips along her n.........nicely-baked scones, or to inveigle our way into her p.... p.............. arents' good opinion. 
  It is to this high purpose that I now call my boys at home and across the seas, who will make this cause their own. I ask them to stand calm and firm and united in this time of trial. Hard will be their c... c.... c..................... coming challenge but I know that they will eschew the temptation to mas...massage their nether regions in search of relief. Instead, we must reverently commit our cause to God, to learning to tie knots, make fires and pitch tents. And, above all else, we must affirm our commitment to obey our seniors’ commands without question and to abide by the Scouting Code "What goes on in camp, stays in camp".
  May God bless and keep us all.

The top half

Baden-Powell was a man of his time. It is not, therefore, surprising that the opening words of The Girl Guide are "The most dangerous part of a non-male-boy is the head for it therein that we find the tongue. A male-boy may delight with his tongue: singing Ging-Gang-Goolie and pledging himself to his rightful betters. The tongue of a non-male-boy can only cause resentment, division, and bitterness. Take no heed of the female's oft-repeated plaints: "What time do you call this to come home?", "You never buy me flowers anymore!" and "Does my posterior look large in this?". Seek instead the company of your fellow boys - for the closeness of male companionship can bring only pleasure."

Baden-Powell went on to suggest some tried and trusted ways to calm "Hysterical non-male-boys - for is there any other sort?" His first suggestion was to "Compliment the non-male-boy on her bonnet no matter how uncomely. It is important that non-male-boys should have confidence in their headgear, without which the low body temperature of non-males causes brain malfunction. How else can we explain their incessant gurgling over infants when bare of head in the nursery?" He also suggested that "Massaging the knotted musculature of the shoulders is a certainty to calm even the most overwrought non-male-boy. There is no need to ask - non-male-boys know not what they want; any disinclination to give in to one's touch is sure to evaporate if one merely remembers to simultaneously reassure her about her appearance. No non-male-boy can resist a compliment. Tell her that she is as beautiful and fragrant as your mother - what finer compliment could a boy give?"

In the manner of Edwardian gentlemen, Baden-Powell could not bring himself to discuss delicate subjects as forthrightly as modern audiences might expect. "All male-boys are aware of the physical differences between themselves and non-male-boys. Do not despise them for deficiencies bestowed upon them by the Good Lord. Instead, pity them. We, all of us, have two mammalian prominences on either side of our chests. Male-boys have twin rosebuds of perfection. Those of non-male-boys, by contrast, are dark and redolent of hat-pegs. Do not touch them, my lovelies, for the bubbies of non-male-boys have been known to spit milk!"

The middle half

Baden-Powell's obsessions were clear in his writings. Having already dealt at length with nipples in the first section of the guide he returned to the topic to write "The most dangerous part of a non-male-boy is the centre-part for therein too we find bubbies. A male-boy may have noticed his own bubbies, or admired those of his fellow scouts. By contrast with these perfectly formed thoracic punctuation marks, a non-male-boy's bubbies may suddenly jut out at a moment's notice and for no reason other than to poke through the scout uniform to entice the unwary. A pure and godly boy will surely avert his eyes from the bubbies of the non-male-boy or will fail to do so at his peril."

The Chief Scout did not much concern himself much with the rest of the midriff, other than to warn that "The navel of a non-male-boy may look much like that of the male-boy. However, while his navel provides a pleasing marker up to which a scout should pull his underwear for the sake of decency, a non-male-boy's navel conjures only unhealthy urges to lower underwear which can only raise a scout's blood pressure, cause blushing and imperil his ultimate accession to the Kingdom of Heaven."

His only other interest in the middle third of the non-male boy was in the arms. "Worry not if a non-male-boy should hit you with her fists. Girls punch like girls and this is preferable to being caressed for it with caresses that a non-male-boy may distract a male-boy from studying for his semaphore badge. Too many and too intimate caresses may lead to unwanted stiffening of the male member. This is too be avoided as it may wear out the shorts from the inside! And then what will mother say! "

The bottom half

"The most dangerous part of a non-male-boy is the lower-part but however is one supposed to differentiate between male or female?" wrote Baden Powell. "One of the surest methods of spotting a non-male-boy is the skirt. Male-boys wear short trousers that their legs should be free from encumbrance, available for nettles to sting and adders to bite, and so that the taut fabric may define his hindquarters for the benefit of all. Non-male-boys wear skirts. What lies beneath is a subject that no parent would wish to discuss with their son but I did not slaughter 10,000 Ashanti warriors in one day by avoiding unpleasant situations. Steal yourselves, my boys."

"Ladies' hindquarters are not much different to the hindquarters of the more wholesome sex. Ladies' front-bottoms, however, differ from those of gentlemen in ways too disgusting to discuss outside the pages of a medical textbook. Take heed, bonny lads. Skirts may blow upwards in strong winds revealing nether garments that scarce conceal their owners' front-bottoms. Avert your eyes lest you would go blind. Once a male-boy begins to take an interest in ladies' front bottoms he is in danger: danger of being kicked while still stupefied, danger of being arrested for inadvertently touching the lady inappropriately while attempting to help restore her skirt to its correct orientation, and most of all, danger of being inveigled into physical association that imperils his immortal soul."

"Should, by chance, a male-boy have sight of a lady's front-bottom, he may be overcome with unwanted feelings that can do him no good. I advise that he instantly seek out his scoutmaster so that they may, in privacy, compare their own front-bottoms and so find solace in the familiarity, and in each other."

Subsequent Editions

The first edition of the Girl Guides was reprinted thirteen times by 1956 but times were changing. Modern readers were no longer prepared to tolerate Baden-Powell's liberal use of the C-word - Clod-hopper - to describe rural boys without sufficient social standing to be accepted into the boy-scout movement. And, quietly, the chapter devoted to "Methods to decapitate a Kraut with your penknife" was first abridged and later dropped.

At the same time, various pieces of advice were added to help scouts navigate the modern world. Controversially, modern editions confirm that some "non-male-boys" may not be entirely evil. As such, Girl Guides published since the 1980's have photo-manual for identifying non-male-boys who boys might safely engage in conversation if suitably chaperoned.