The Sacred Riana

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The Sacred Riana with her extensive collection of kitchen cutlery.

The Sacred Riana (true name not known) is as creepy as fuck!! [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Now that that's out of the way, The Sacred Riana is a silent hitgirl that first appeared in 2000 on the AXN channel, killing several unidentified women for reasons not known but probably because she felt like it. Ever since then, The Sacred Riana has been hired by many infamous criminals to murder a victim, and is currently #8 on the World's Most Wanted list.

Early life[edit]

Riana's early life is a mystery. Some believe she is a girl with a Sadako lookalike, and went insane after seeing it. Others believe she was a girl with a checkered past who needed more money to feed to her family. For a short time, she was thought to have been directly involved in the King assassinations of both Martin, and his brother, Malcolm. Nothing was ever proven, aside from Riana trying to stick the blame on James Earl Ray. Allegedly the real ringleader of the notorious Charles Manson Family, whatever her origins are, Riana was never heard from until 2000.

First strike[edit]

The Sacred Riana first appeared in 2000 in the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio. The hospital was being filmed on live TV, as the news story was about a new type of cure for something people may never know (Hopefully it was not a disease), because Riana jumped in from the window, and stabbed every patient. Not saying a word, the killer stole the medicine that cured whatever it was, and left. Every person in the room was killed, including the cameraman and reporter. Nobody knew who the girl was, but due to her creepy appearance and long hair, many dubbed her "The Sacred Riana".


The Sacred Riana returned in 2002, hired by crime boss Salvatore Leone to murder rapper Gilbert Gottfried. That night, Riana spotted Gottfried in a dark alley masturbating. Riana was about to murder the comedian, until Gilbert's friend J.J. Abrams came to the rescue. Instead of fighting, the three decided to call it a night and they all got a beer together. Riana was not paid, so the following day, Leone was found dead on his bed, with a knife stabbed in his head. Riana was the suspected killer.

Working for Sadako[edit]

From 2015 to late 2016, Riana was often hired by Sadako, an infamous crime witch to do her dirty work, due to her young adult age. Riana was paid well, and often succeeded in missions, such as the assassination of Carrie Fisher (though Riana killed her for fun weeks before being hired), Shane Dawson and That Girl Down the Street. She is also one of the many possible killers of Sarah Michelle Gellar, though this is still disputed. However, by 2016, Sadako was never heard from again, leaving Riana free for hire.


On international TV, The Sacred Riana made the city of Medan, Indonesia disappear. Officials would appreciate its return if at all possible, as they would like to go home.

The Sacred Riana was hired by the Cult of the Latter Day Alien to murder Drake due to his music, as it was apparently upsetting the Face-Eating Alien god thing. When Riana was about to kill him, he began to "sing" or talk in that annoying voice, which made her scream silently. She retreated from him, and failed her mission. Due to her being injured by his music, Riana needed a new way to kill. She began hiring strange magic assistants known as "Imaginary Friends". When hired and cloned, they create stunning illusions in a matter of seconds. Extremely rare Footage of the incident can be watched on YouTube.

Nobody knows why Riana hired the clones, but whatever the reason was, it was odd. And creepy.

Attempt to murder Noah Ritter[edit]

In 2017, The Sacred Riana was hired by God to murder Noah Ritter due to his piss-poor acting. Riana was sent back in time and searched everywhere for Ritter, but it was not found. For a while, Riana was killing anybody tweeting about Ritter. Searching everywhere for the kid, Ritter could not be found. Riana failed the mission, but was paid anyway for at least attempting. Turns out, Ritter was hiding in his bathroom reading a Playboy magazine while taking a dump. Yes, Playboy. Riana stabbed Ritter in the head afterwards.


On July 23, 2018, Riana was arrested for attempted murder on Paula Abdul, hired by Howard Stern, Simon Cowell, Heidi Klum, Melanie Brown, and Howie Mandel. Riana was thrown into a cell, tied up so she would not escape. Written all over Riana's cell was "You Scarier Magician", which was strange, considering she was all tied up. Only a few hours later, Riana was out of her cell and was nowhere to be seen until 12:00 A.M. were she was found hiding in one of several bags containing unknown substances outside of the police station. Her cell now read in bloody letters, "Do You Want to Play with Me?". Riana was found escaping prison by hopping in one of the many bags. An elderly police officer chased Riana across the town, but she was too scary to catch, and got away without a trace. "She was a creepy bitch!" stated fellow inmate Freddy Krueger. The footage of Riana's escape along with other Riana footage can be also watched.

Riana today[edit]

Riana's whereabouts are not known at this moment. She could be hiding in the Axis of Evil's palace at the moment, or planning a new scheme. Many believe that Riana was the killer of Christina Ricci on September 2, 2018, though others think it was Adam. Riana is currently #8 on the World's Most Wanted list.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Sacred Riana.

Assassination attempt[edit]

On December 7th, 2018, The Sacred Riana, allied with Linda Blair, and was reported to have murdered James Cameron, but sadly she only managed to murder a clone of Cameron in a secret government lab that the news deny any existence of, even though it is all over Wikileaks.

See also[edit]