Totally Torah: Genesis

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“I’ve never read the Bible but I’ve heard it’s a Good Book. ”

“Bronze Age myth to live your life by. ”

~ Jesus on His Dad's novel.

Want to lead a pious life but finding it hard?

Too many holy Joes at Synagogue?

Too little time to read the Bible?

The original temptress, Eve, is thought to have invented the pubic blue-rinse.

No problem, Isaac Asimov’s Abridged classics brings you:

“Totally Torah – a ten minute guide to God’s Word."


Chapters 1-11[edit]

• Bored God creates world full of animals.

• Creates zoo-keeper to muck-out Eden.

• Congratulates Himself on ‘Good’ job.

• Zoo-keeper bored.

• Eve created - Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.

• Refusal of three-way leads to snake tempting Eve to sample ‘forbidden fruit’ God has ‘forgotten’ not to create.

"Turn left at the next tsunami".

• Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.

Cain and Abel born.

God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.

• Seth born as replacement-Abel.

Human race grows through unexplained incest.

• God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.

• Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.

Noah surprised when dove-nav leads to mountain-crash.

Kids move out as Noah takes to drink and naturism.

• Over-confidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.

Chapters 11-25[edit]

Under the kindly guidance of 'Father Abraham', the Canaanites prospered.
The garisson of Sodom took a keen interest in manly action other than fighting.

• Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.

• Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.

• Abram's army conquers city when Sodom-ite garrison seem strangely unwarlike.

• Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.

• Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.

• Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.

• Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.

• Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.

• Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.

• Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.

Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah

Chapters 25-50[edit]

Esau's special needs gave him an advantage in tracking prey animals through wooded land.

• Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.

Wolf-boy, Esau, becomes hunter.

• Smooth but devious brother, Jacob, engineers leveraged buy out of family business with mess of pottage.

• Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur-coat.

• Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records ‘Stairway to heaven’ en route.

• Jacob attempts marriage with Cousin Rachel. Fat, older sister intervenes.

• Chubby-chasing Jacob sets up world’s first Mormon commune and begins enthusiastic breeding with both sisters and maids.

• Jacob plans reconciliation with wolf-man brother. Returns to Canaan.

And Joseph stood before the Canaanites saying, "I'll be back".

• Becomes WWF champion of Israel following defeat of Jabbok in “all night, man on man wrestling” competition.

Rape of Dinah punished with genital mutilation of Edomites.

• Sentence re-view leads to imposition of capital punishment.

• Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.

• Becomes Prophet following Mushroom-trip; hoards food following attack of ‘munchies’.

• Joseph’s brothers seek food-stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.

• Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.

• Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.

• Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.

See Also[edit]

Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers.

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