UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Monday, May 27, 2024, 09:23:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
2. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
3. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
4. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
5. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
6. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
7. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
8. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
9. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
10. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
11. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
12. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
13. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
14. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
15. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
16. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
17. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
18. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
19. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
20. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
21. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
22. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
23. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
24. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
25. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
26. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
27. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
28. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
29. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
30. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
31. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
32. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
33. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
34. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
35. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
36. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
37. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
38. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
39. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
40. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
41. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate offensively
42. To ruminate a hybrid engine, is to ruminate {{adv})
43. The King of the Internet is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.