UnNews:EU discards food, to reduce waste
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|EU discards food, to reduce waste|
12 January 2021
Hook Of Holland, Netherlands -- In the latest episode of the long running dom-com series BREXIT!, Olea Europaceae, sweetheart of the smoothly oiled machinery in Brussels, decides to punish Boris Jockstrap, her erstwhile companion, for leaving their once-happy union. Boris has eloped to the other side of the Channel with a reasonably good-looking wench, citing insurmountable domestic boredom as grounds for his departure.
Boris (BJ): "Morning, officer. Truckload of Imperial size Boot Polish Brushes for the discerning shoeshine boy,"
Control of Various Incoming Delights (COVID1): "Hmmm, COVID2 have you got volume thirteen over there? Thanks. Yes, that will be okay. Got your lunch?"
BJ: "Sure. Nice tasty ham and cheese on blinding white ploughman's bread."
COVID1: "Oh, sorry, sir, no more of those allowed. You could scatter crumbs just crawling with non-EU approved diseases about the landscape as you no doubt have been doing for the past few years. Directive 001738.9410.36a. Transport of alien meat and cheese across the borders of the mighty EU."
BJ: "This is quite unsporting. I'll just eat my lunch now and wait for dinner."
COVID1: "Unfortunately, sir, that would be in violation of Directive 001738.9410.36b, consuming alien meat and cheese within the borders of the mighty EU. I think it may also violate Directive 001738.9417.22, consuming bread not adhering to EU43361.209471 - Standard for baked products employed in the manufacture of portable foodstuffs intended for non-refrigerated personal carriage. Have to chuck it in the bin over there. The one overflowing with ham and cheese sandwiches."
BJ: "This is really ζογκλέρ ελιές κατά την οδήγηση αρκούδας as they used to say in ancient Greece."
COVID1: "Hej, COVID2, is it permitted to speak in a non-approved dialect within the borders of the mighty EU?"
COVID2: "I think they're debating that next Thursday."
BJ: "Now I remember why I pulled the pin with the EU. I hope you're going to donate all this food to the poor migrants that we won't let in."
COVID1: "Of course not, sir. They could well get the idea that our new program for preventing the waste of food is not being promoted effectively. Apart from that some of them will take offense at the ham and drag us to the European Court of Justice for cultural insensitivity."
BJ: "Looks like a hungry day."
COVID1: "No need for that, sir. See that new kiosk just next to the bin? You could purchase a Brexit Bun. Opening special at only 10 euros. Specially created for the cross-border transport operator."
BJ: "Sorry, I've got to get these brushes delivered before they're outlawed. See you on the way back this evening."
COVID1 & COVID2: "Have a good drive."
- Jon Henley "Dutch officials seize ham sandwiches from British drivers". The Guardian, January 12, 2021