UnNews:Heaven Police after God

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Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures! ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 27, 2024, 03:59:59 (UTC)
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Heavenly badboy God is now officially a wanted man. Heaven Police Force chief John Lennon today issued a statement regarding the situation with God. "We have three SWAT teams after God, searching all known quadrants of Heaven," Lennon said. "We were waiting for an excuse to arrest him for a while, and now that he has sent this new hurricane towards America, we can legally arrest him." Lennon then turned his back on UnUews reporters, apparently to play whack-a-mole with a friend.

Lennon and a crack team turned up at God's Pearly Gates Street apartment earlier today, though they found only a note.

"The note seems to say that God has gone into hiding to avoid police" said Police code-breaker Oscar Wilde. "The note goes on to report that God's close friend Saint Peter has gone with his childhood buddy into hiding. The note says that he will not give himself up, and that anyone who even thinks about approaching him will get 'such a fucking beating they'll pop back into their Mother's arse'."

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