UnNews:IPhone big hit among wealthy, stupid

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 02:16:59 (UTC)
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10 January 2007

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The iPhone has created a buzz among plutocrats and morons.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Apple unveiled its long-awaited cellphone Tuesday, to the delight of the world's wealthiest one percent and America's stupidest 50 percent.

"Until now, people had no way to listen to music, check their e-mail or take photographs," Apple CEO Steve Jobs said at the unveiling ceremony. "I mean, can you imagine what it would be like to speak to family members over long-distance? Or capture images from life? Trust me, this has never been done before."

The iPhone, marketed exclusively through Cingular, does everything Apple's $299 iPod and Motorola's $169 Razr phone does, but its $499 price tag makes idiots $499 poorer, while giving business executives a toy that provides a much-needed distraction from poverty and war.

"This iPhone is going to be great," said Jason Grimm, a bond trader with Goldman Sachs. "I've got about $500,000 left from my Christmas bonus, and you can only buy so many BMWs."

London Accountant Gary Boot was equally impressed.

"God, how does Apple do it?" said Boot, who replaced his two-year old iPod Nano last month after its battery burned out. "I mean, no sooner do I buy their latest product than they unveil another one absolutely essential to my well-being and sex life. Shoot, maybe they should just start garnishing my check."

Analysts were united in their effusive praise of Jobs' genius. "This goes beyond smart phones, and should be given its own category called 'brilliant' phones," said Tim Bukkake of Self-Stimulating Solutions. "In fact, I would dump my girlfriend for this phone. If I had one. Excuse me, I just have to go change my underwear."

Since Jobs returned to Apple in the late 90s, the company has transformed from a computer manufacturer to a creator of expensive gewgaws marketed for the affluent, the stupid, and the affluent stupid. The corporate philosophy is encapsulated in Apple's two mottos, "Think different" and "A fool and his money are soon parted."

Alice Morgan, a professor of economics at The University of Chicago, said Apple has smartly exploited a growth market.

"The wealthy have more disposable income than ever, and their children want everything," Morgan said. "Apple could market a jug of Jobs' urine as iPiss and become the darling of spoiled teenagers throughout the world."

But Morgan said idiots have been the key to the company's recent victories.

"Really, Apple owes its success to the moron market," Morgan said. "These people feel that pure happiness can only come from a steady bombardment of music from an MP3 player. Businesses would do well to position themselves to tap into the huge and constantly underserved market for imbeciles."

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