UnNews:Indiana toddler charged with hate speech

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1 April 2015

There is nothing scary about black people, after all.

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana -- An 18-month-old baby is facing hard prison time for acting out his innate hatred of all African Americans.

According to the plaintiff, Rep. Vanessa Summers (D-Indianapolis), the toddler "looked at me like I was a monster and turned around and cried." The unprecedented behavior on the part of a baby encountering a stranger can only be attributed to the baby's latent anti-black racism. Indeed, the only thing keeping him from writing racial slurs on bridge abutments is the fact that he cannot yet write at all.

The baby's father, Rep. Judson McMillin (R-Brookville), occasionally meets with Rep. Summers and rarely turns around and cries. That is because McMillin's party so dominates the Indiana Assembly that it can, and usually does, deny Democrats bathroom passes. Nevertheless, Summers insisted that McMillin, the Majority Leader, has a duty to introduce his 18-month-old to a lot of African Americans. Summers hopes that a judge will order social workers into the home to ensure that the tot is frightened by black visitors no more often than by white ones. None of this means that Summers herself is being racist, because that's just what crackers are like.

The charges came during debate on a state version of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA), which Governor Mike Pence has signed into law. Pence had notions of running for President in 2016, but the Republican Party has expelled him for failing to avoid controversy. The RFRA maintains a store-owner's duty to serve all comers, but carves out a narrow exception if he claims a religious basis. So, in the case of a gay couple inexplicably seeking out the only Christian bakery in town for a wedding cake and exchanging wet kisses in the store until he chases them away, courts will no longer hear arguments that he hates all gays, but will merely debate whether his behavior was or wasn't Christian. The change threatens the slip-and-fall trial bar and community activists, and could ultimately reduce the value of a Ph.D. in Racial Grievance Studies, though it could boost televangelist churches by turning them into excuses for rude businessmen. Critics say the law could even let a doctor refuse a Muslim couple who want him to mutilate their new baby girl's genitals.

The law follows the Citizens United decision, which shocked the U.S. by ruling that businessmen are people. Tim Cook, the chairman of Apple, who has never been accused of being a person, twerked that Indiana should be ashamed of itself. The NCAA, headquartered here, also stated that the law "does not reflect our values," which include making student-athletes sign a 400-page rulebook that lets the college make billions off them without giving them a cent.

The bakery here that started the controversy by refusing to serve gays has closed, as straights have oddly decided they do not want wedding cakes there either. President Obama is entertaining suggestions from activists that the entire state be boycotted. However, the Administration is currently busy currying favor with Iran — which does worse things to gays than denying them layer cakes.

The nation is in the seventh year of disbelief that electing a "black" President did not settle the race issue for good, but instead made everything a race issue. Republicans in particular are baffled that conceding to a bad argument did not keep it from ever being used again.

Sources[edit]

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