UnNews:Kim Jong Il thinks a 6-party talk is a kegger

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18 December 2006

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il puzzled negotiators when he called for his pipe today just before calling for his bowl and his fiddlers three.

Paradise, North Korea - Kim Jong Il showed little sign of ceding his position as the craziest man with a little red button today. During a stalemate at 6-party negotiations in the United Nations, his delegation refused to give any ground on North Korea's nuclear program. North Korean chief delegate Kim Kye-gwan opened the talks on a bad note by criticizing the West for allowing George Lucas to misappropriate his name for the character Qui-Gon Jinn in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. "You talk about our bombs, now that was a bomb," Kim intoned as South Korean Star Wars fans gasped in terror and alarm.

Kim went on to produce a list of demands that the South Korean diplomat claimed were "nothing new." These included sponge baths for the North Korean military leadership from Kim Bassinger and a working model of 1980s cartoon icon Voltron complete with fire sword and roaring vocalizations.

The negotiations came after the U.S. blacklisted a bank for laundering money to arm North Korea. The bank claimed it thought North Korea needed the money to plan a surprise party for Kim's favorite action star Stephen Segal. When reached for comment about the birthday plans, Segal could only squint wildly into the camera and flex his bulging neck rolls. Bank employees later admitted it seemed odd that enriched plutonium was listed as a party favor. Talks ended when North Korea demanded that the other nations involved (the U.S., Russia, Japan, South Korea, and China) also disarm. The U.S. delegation responded by saying his country would not submit to having a nuclear arsenal that could blow up the world less than 100 times over. At this point there seems to have been a shouting match followed by tears of attrition and another shouting match.

Then the North Korean delegation produced the Staples office supply chain's trademark red "easy" button and pressed it, illiciting wild laughter from the balconies and causing the South Korean delegation to storm out of the chamber. At press time the entire situation was still completely unmanageable, but the falafel vendor outside the U.N. building said he's confident his sales will remain high as long as the White House doesn't cut the number of delegates by agreeing to bilateral talks