UnNews:Letterman thrown in dumpster hours after final 'Late Show' episode

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22 May 2015

David Letterman still sitting behind his desk--only now outside the studio.

NEW YORK CITY -- After 33 years as the Late Show host, David Letterman was thrown in the dumpster just hours after the legendary show's final episode. Refuse trucks arrived at 53rd Street near the historic Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City on Thursday, May 21, according to CBS Vice President of Replacements Josh Earnest.

Making room for Stephen Colbert's takeover, Letterman’s famous skyline backdrop, desk, several chairs and Letterman himself were “disbanded” and thrown in the same dumpster.

"Out with the old, in with the same," said Earnest. "TV is a fast-paced medium. We told Dave he had to leave immediately after his final broadcast, but as usual, he dozed off in the chair behind his desk — what used to be his desk. You snooze, you lose."

"They didn't do this to Johnny Carson," said Letterman's assistant Phillip Balm. "They let Johnny appear on Letterman's show twice before they threw him out. He even got a personal pick-up from the refuse collectors, as the cafeteria had an old fridge that needed discarding at the same time. They should at least have gotten Dave his own wastebasket rather than tossing him out with the other tired memes."

When asked his opinion of Letterman, Colbert said, "When he hosted the show, I thought of him as the benchmark for the U.S. talk show presenter, being a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot. Since he started dribbling and smelling of cabbages, it was time to replace him with a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot, one that doesn’t dribble or smell of cabbages.

“Hollywood is the belly of the beast, and Letterman had become a bit of wilted cabbage stuck between its teeth. It was time he got flossed." When it was pointed out that Late Night is filmed in New York City and not Hollywood, Colbert said, "Hollywood isn't a place, it's a psychological condition."

Late Thursday night, an apparent long-time Letterman fan snuck the homeless former talk show host out of the dumpster. Letterman is currently available, still in his original box, for auction on Ebay.

Sources[edit]

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