UnNews:Long Island teacher to be burned at the stake for being a witch

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, April 19, 2024, 14:15:59 (UTC)
Long Island teacher to be burned at the stake for being a witch UnNews Logo Potato.png

9 March 2007

The accused is pictured here, "She is absolutely not a witch" says her lawyer Johnny Cochrane who was recently resurrected by his client

Long Island, New York (UnNews) - Human rights groups and other pinko leftists are up in arms after the United States Government decided to burn a woman at the stake for being a witch. The 37-year-old woman is accused of teaching spells instead of spelling as well as putting a curse on both her husband and young son. She is accused of causing her husband's plane to crash as well as animating the family's VCR and having it attack her young son. Defence lawyer Johnny Cochrane, who was recently resurrected by his client, denies that she is a witch.

"There is no way in Hell - and trust me, I've been there, that this woman is a witch. We all know witches only exist in children's stories and in movies. I mean, who is stupid enough to believe in this shit? Listen, I'll believe that this woman is a witch when the dead walk," Cochrane went on to argue. The prosecution claim that the Salem Witchcraft Act of 1692 is still on the books and that this crime should be prosecuted. "To pick and choose which laws to enforce is an invitation to anarchy," the prosecuter countered.

The case has gathered international attention and human rights groups both in the United States and elsewhere around the world have denounced the court's decision. They say that just because a law is on the books does not make it right and that religious nutbars have been allowed to run this country for too long. The decision of the lower court is pending because it has been appealed to the Supreme Court by Cochrane. Amnesty International is pressuring the Bush regime in Washington to grant a pardon to the woman regardless of the Supreme Court's decision. President Bush told Amnesty and other human rights groups to "mind their own fucking business". Bush says that the decision of the Supreme Court is sacred and final. "No one will question the sanctity of our Supreme Court or the sovereignty of the United States. The United States doesn't interfere in the affairs of other countries so they shouldn't interfere in ours." Dick Cheney allegedly told Amnesty to "go pound sand".

Despite having little support from the Bush administration, many people around the world have rallied around this woman and are demanding her release. Cochrane says they have nothing to worry about and has promised he will get his client off. "If I can get OJ off, I can get anyone off," says Cochrane. The woman is being held on 2 million dollars bail and the case is scheduled to heard by the Supreme Court April 1.


Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Long_Island_teacher_to_be_burned_at_the_stake_for_being_a_witch&oldid=6112030"