UnNews:Musk unveils Tesla Y
Musk unveils Tesla Y
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 6, 2020, 20:18:UTC)(
15 March 2019
HAWTHORNE, California USA -- Elon Musk unveiled the prototype of Tesla Motors' new offering, the Model Y, a large obelisk that whispered forbidden truths and promised to allow travel to realms beyond the vision of our feeble human minds. A gaze into the swirling storm of the maddening void. This was greeted by loud yawning as several other manufacturers had already announced their versions of a forbidden obelisk. The live crowd did show more emotion when Musk announced delivery for the higher-end package in the fall of 2020, which generated gales of laughter. Notes were compared with earlier announcements of other manufacturers' rollout dates but no consensus could be reached on which automaker received the biggest laughs or which were dishing out the most overly optimistic bullshit. Musk dwelt heavily on past achievements and little on the new Model Y. It appears just to be a slightly stretched version of a button less remote controller, designed to jump into the increasing obelisk market in the US. Once again, a cash deposit would be required for potential buyers, only some of which Musk expects to smoke up before delivery of the obelisks. Coincidentally, this comes just at a time that Tesla needs a cash injection. Meanwhile, other automakers like Volkswagen have already stated their preference for crack and heroin and plan to trade cursed magical artifacts for drugs directly with Mexican cartels.
Tesla stock dropped 5% after the unveiling. It is thought to be based on the disappointment that faster-than-light travel would not be implemented with the Model Y. No mention of interdimensional time travel was made, either. The combination original Star Trek captain's chair/composting toilet option was dropped and proved to be a dealbreaker for aging neohippie geeks. The new model certainly cuts into sales for its relatively new Model E.
To relieve the uncertainty with the recent threat of dealer closures and reopenings, the Model Y will be sold exclusively through Walmarts and independently-owned neighborhood lemonade stands. The latter group could not be reached for comment as it was past their bedtimes.
It is now abundantly clear that Musk plans for at least 13 more Tesla models. The current passenger car types now spell out S3XY and a certified panel of Wheel of Fortune experts with leet experience have determined that the sequence will be extended into the phrase SEXYDI4TRON1CMU5K.
- Denning, Liam "Tesla's New Y Raises a Bunch of Qs". Bloomberg, 15 March 2019
- Ferris, Robert "Tesla shares tumble after company unveils 'underwhelming' Model Y". CNBC, 15 March 2019