UnNews:New Zealand breaks another record

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, September 22, 2020, 06:11:59 (UTC)

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23 July 2020

NZ Prime Minister upon learning of ministerial indiscretions.

AUCKLAND, New Zealand Having recently employed its relative geographic isolation to win the admiration of the COVID-phobic world, New Zealand has again demonstrated its capacity to lead. Two members of the NZ parliament were involved in sex scandals in a single week. They were of different parties, no doubt observing the New Zealand principle of fairness in all things bad and mild embarrassment at the good stuff. Prominent commentator Jocasta Lees-Marshmallow (no relation to Iago Lees-Goneaway, one of the pollies) has commentated on the situation as follows.

JL-M: "Not since the days of King Dick has New Zealand seen the sort of revelations that we usually encounter in the pages of trashy internet news services. The usually staid and sober leaders of our country have had to confer privately about how to deal with the men in their respective parties acting like men. Certainly a change from enthusing about the number of whales flopping about Stewart Island."

UnNews: "To return to the allegations themselves, it seems that New Zealand has joined the ranks of many other countries with senior political figures having a swing in the hammock with a member of staff or soliciting such activity from attractive figures outside the political sphere."

JL-M: "If you must. While we acknowledge the tendency of many members of the human race to indulge their reproductive urges now and then, in the past we have managed to observe a studied disregard for such behavior amongst our leaders. True, we all know where babies come from, but it is so much more inspiring to contemplate the grand exhalations of nature emerging from a hot spring."

UnNews: "Without dwelling upon those often sulphurous exhalations, we understand that the New Zealand media have traditionally turned their attention to other things when misbehavior of the mighty has raised its Dionysian head. What has prompted the rather abrupt change in this attitude? Could it be that New Zealanders are weary of the pretence that those elevated to political office have suddenly abandoned the pursuits of those lower in the pecking order?"

JL-M: "While I do not wish to condone the prurient interest so common in these matters, I admit that you have a point there. There is an unfortunate tendency among voters to prefer those candidates that are attractive in a certain way. As you say, once they are elected, that attractiveness may only be amplified. A radical change in the willingness to recruit that attractiveness in the service of one's desires is unlikely to emerge. Why look at the trouble we have had trying to get rid of rats. Are you aware that they kill many kiwis, the iconic flightless bird that is practically a synonym for New Zealanders?"

UnNews: "Kiwis aside, Jocasta, is this the 'new normal' that is ceaselessly presented as the future of humanity? Faces covered, but with the eyes of the media drifting further south?"

JL-M: "What a dreadful image. I am sure that our leaders are working tirelessly to return public life to its image of probity and appreciation of the natural beauty that pervades our beautiful landscape and the surrounding waters. These trivial misadventures will surely pass like the brief trembling of the earthquakes that soon return to the placid calm of daily life in New Zealand. And no jokes about the earth moving, right?"

Sources[edit]

Category:New Zealand