UnNews:North Korea calls Obama a monkey

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27 December 2014

The charges were denied in the Weekly Radio Address.

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- The North Korean government has issued a scathing press release in which it compares U.S. President Barack Obama to a monkey.

This is notable because Mr. Obama is the second Democratic Party President who has been called an African American. (The Party's prior "black President," Bill Clinton, was never compared to a monkey, though sometimes to other farm animals.) In a nation like the U.S., without North Korea's press freedoms, journalists using the monkey analogy are barred from the profession for life and many are sent to re-education camps known as Journalism Grad School. The comparison also provokes race riots, though current riots instead call for more pleasant results when black youths point guns at police.

U.S. President Obama in a humiliating suit during a visit to China. Let the reader decide.

The war of words continues an escalation that began when Sony Pictures prepared to release The Interview, a movie that ends with the pudgy head of child dictator Kim Jong-il exploding. Sony got hacked, which the FBI believes North Korea did, then North Korea got hacked, which the CIA believes the FBI did.

"Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a tropical forest," said the unidentified spokesman. "Tropical forest" is an obvious "dog-whistle" to Mr. Obama's domestic opponents: a coded reference to Chicago, Hawaii, or perhaps Kenya.

Mr. Obama did not apologize to North Korea for the First Amendment, which protects movie-makers, as he did in 2012 when some guy put a trailer on YouTube that made fun of Islam, leading dirt-poor children in Benghazi to protest at the American consulate with their shoulder-fired rocket launchers and English-lettered protest signs.

North Korea, which has technically been at war with the U.S. since 1953, has previously referred to Secretary of State John Kerry's "hideous" lantern jaw and called South Korean president Park Geun-hye a prostitute. Senior UnNews Editors did not see the problem with those statements, got a kick out of the notion of Mr. Kim's head exploding, and would not deny that Mr. Obama has a vaguely simian look. (He is most sensitive about those ears.) The U.S. had responded to the earlier statements by increasing foreign aid to the rogue nation in order to keep it at the bargaining table, where U.S. negotiators feel useful. American legislative leaders John Boehner and Mitch McConnell did not think foreign aid would increase this time, as they have unwillingly acquired the "power of the purse." However, they were both mindful that, in America's own tropical forest, a bullied schoolboy returning home usually takes it out on the dogs.