UnNews:Obama-care for carry-ons

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14 June 2015

The proposed rules would free stewardesses from the annoyance of handling large and heavy bags brought on board. These could be checked into cargo to facilitate theft by baggage handlers.

MIAMI, Florida -- The International Air Transport Association (IATA) has proposed a single size for luggage carried aboard airplanes, to be enforced worldwide. This will remedy the crisis of regulations that are annoyingly different from airline to airline.

Americans may be perturbed, as the proposed standards are slightly smaller than those in effect at most U.S. airlines. But they have weathered comparable solutions to previous crises. In health care, where insurance policies had annoying differences between carriers, and individual states dictated many of the terms of the policies, the U.S. Government solved the problem by having Congress dictate many of the terms instead, so that all policies pay for everything from contraception to gender identity counseling. Looking for out-of-jurisdiction alternatives has gone from being a violation of state law to being totally pointless.

Likewise, when different employers set a confusing range of different wage levels, government mandated a single standard wage, which the Obama administration has proposed to increase to three times the value of a young worker with language and punctuality issues whose only brush with proper attire is a large chip on the shoulder.

The IATA may find a way to make the move popular by again looking to the example of the U.S. Government. Fliers could be offered a voucher that would pay part of the cost of replacing their entire suitcase collection. During the mandated conversion to HDTV television, such an approach meant that no one raised a peep, mostly because they know it would do no good.

The proposed size restriction is not quite large enough to accommodate a tube of toothpaste — which jetway screeners find, open, and squeeze 99% of the time — but will still be large enough to bring aboard a carry-on handgun, which a recent Homeland Security test found that screeners failed to detect 95% of the time.

IATA vice president Tom Windmuller said, "I cannot think of anyone who will be displeased by these new hoops to jump through." The rules are still advisory at this point, but Windmuller says 30 to 40 airlines have expressed an interest in them, provided their competitors agreed to worsen their own service at the same time. It is always possible that a rogue airline would be more lenient — and that passengers would start flying that airline to the exclusion of others — but problems of evading the rules can always be solved with additional rules. Remaining differences between airlines could be eliminated with new mandates for indifferent stewardesses and false information concerning delays.

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