UnNews:Paul to Swalwell: Pix or it didn't happen

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17 December 2020

Sen. Paul recommended that Viagra could overcome the awkwardness of on-camera sex with a foreign agent.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While many in the Republican Party are calling for Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) to step down from the Intelligence Committee, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) had a different idea.

Swalwell's committee evaluates foreign threats to the United States from countries such as Red China, so it surprised many on the Hill to hear that Swalwell had a steamy relationship with a Chinese professional honey-pot and donation bundler named White Fang.

Several Republicans have demanded that Swalwell step down from the sensitive committee, but Paul, a libertarian who belongs to the GOP presumably because he values easy love less than easy re-election, went a step further. Paul said, "He was the most over-the-top critic of President Trump on Russia collusion, and it turns out he is sleeping with a Chinese spy! He really should be red-faced." Which he would be, Paul added, if he simply released a set of YouTubes with graphic details of the affair.

Swalwell, for his part, claimed that it is probably Trump's fault, as the President might bear some ill will for the three years Swalwell suggested that Trump was a thrall of Vladimir Putin — even if Trump did not pay prostitutes to pee on a bed once slept in by Barack Obama — and that Trump once phoned abroad without prefixing 01 and whatever the country code for Ukraine is.

“I’ve been a critic of the president. I worked to impeach him. The timing feels like that should be looked at," he told Politico. Except that the alleged affair occurred in 2014, two years before Trump even learned how to navigate the Trump Tower escalator without tumbling down it.