UnNews:Plan to scare off Jewbirds backfires
| Democracy Dies with Dignity | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 20, 2024, 06:03:59 (UTC) |
| Plan to scare off Jewbirds backfires | 
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7 January 2016
Cologne, Koln, Hamburg and Stuttgart, Germany -- Up until 70 years ago, Germans would have called for cull whenever they felt the need to address their Jewbird Problem. Times have changed and that kind of solution is long being regarded as politically incorrect. Something else needed to be done, so Germany’s greatest minds were put to work. Inspiration came when their friends in Rome employed a bunch of falcons to terrorize the local starlings. This was an absolute stroke of genius. No one could blame them directly for the suffering of their foe and animal rights activists had their hands tied, ethics preventing them to fight for one bird against another. It then seemed that Germany’s best alternative was to get help from the natural enemies of God’s chosen birds, namely the zombie birds.
The “Zwei Fliegen mit einer Klappe schlagen Programm” (the kill two birds with one stone program) was approved and initiated by Angela Merkel, who publicly invited zombie birds to the Fatherland. The invasion initially went according to plan and the alien birds quickly spread all over in great numbers, but a minor overlooked detail was to ruin everything: while falcons and starlings share the same skies, Jewbirds and zombie birds have completely different habitats and the chances that they bump into each other are nil. While the first favor art galleries, universities, financial centers and concert halls, the others, although closely related to them from a genetic point of view are not prone to nest or dwell in such areas, being inclined to rather swarm over oilfields, deserts, ghettos, twin towers, pentagons, train stations, crowded markets and warzones. They don’t even have the same culinary preferences; some prefer kosher bird food while others stick to halal bird food, so they never compete for the same resources. But this plan did not simply fail, it even backfired against the native bird population a few days ago, when one thousand strong zombie bird flocks charged against local fauna and did to it what was rather expected to do for it.
German bird populations have gone through several bottlenecks in the past and somehow managed to survive but this time all the odds are against them. The invasive species are reproducing at a much higher rate and are soon going to take over their entire habitat. The acting Chancellor's political credo seems to be something like "My fellow Germans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do against your country." Her name will probably be remembered across Europe with the same joy New Yorkers reminisce the old fart Eugene Schieffelin, a man from her same lineage who had the equally stupid idea to introduce all the birds mentioned in the plays of William Shakespeare to the New World and out of all those God damned birds, he only successfully acclimatized the obnoxious starling, who will continue to rain crap all over the city until the end of time.
Sources[edit]
- Rosie Scamell "Rome enlists American falcons to hunt starlings befouling Eternal City". The Guardian, November 22, 2015
- TNO Staff "Mass Sex Attacks in Stuttgart, Hamburg". The New Observer, January 5, 2016
- Ted Gup "100 Years of the Starling". New York Times, September 1, 1990