UnNews:Plans for New Zealand's Manukau and Auckland cities to be merged into one: Millions gasp.
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, May 16, 2024, 05:32:59 (UTC) |
| Plans for New Zealand's Manukau and Auckland cities to be merged into one: Millions gasp. | 
|
5 September 2006
Early Monday, plans were composed to merge the cities of Auckland and Manukau, both located in New Zealand, into a single entity. This shock revelation stunned the land commission, but otherwise the people were extremely confused. "I always thought they were one," claimed local Kindergarten Teacher Maurice Tepapa, "This really fucks up everything." L. Ron Hubbard, Mayor of Auckland was too busy penning his new novel, Cerealetics, to comment.
Auckland Airport is in mourning at the revelation that it is not actually in Auckland. The Airport would not make a statement, but a spokesperson said "She's going through some tough times right now. She's letting in strange aircraft and funny lookin' foreigners."
The local "Iwi" of the Manukau area, the "Tangata Whakamama" have begun a march today to Whakapapa, a northern city, in protest of the merge. "This is our land," says spokeswoman Keisha Ihimaera, "I'm sick and tired of these white people taking advantage of us. The land was unjustly taken from us, and now, shortly after the death of our beloved Maori Queen, they are trying to rape our heritage. This must stop." A lesser spokesman, Tribal Businessman Maku Tamihere, then offered to sell the city to us for a musket and four blankets.
Over in Helengrad, debate has been raging over what to name the new city. Thoughts of 'St Brashburg' were instantly crushed in the hopes of naming it 'Muldoonograd' after the important 20th Century politician. These changes come, obviously, in a post-Muldoon period. The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment, but Dr Pita Sharples of the Maori Party had the following to say: "The foreshore is ours! The foreshore is ours! Fuck the city! The foreshore is ours!"
More on this crucial, non-Stingray related story as it unfolds.