UnNews:Pope says everything is true, and related

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 06:05:59 (UTC)
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20 June 2015

The Holy Father showed the wisdom of a timeless expression: Tell people what they want to hear and everyone will try to get a selfie with you.

VATICAN CITY -- Pope Francis gave a stern lecture for the ages on Thursday in a new Papal Encyclical.

Stating that climate change is real, the Pope left no doubt as to who is to blame: corporations, laissez-faire economists, scientists, politicians, consumers, and the apathetic; in other words, everyone. He went as far as to state that the "hockey-stick graph" is divine law — that the world's climate instantly changed toward a fateful meeting with Armageddon at the exact moment that Dwight Eisenhower cut the ribbon on the first stretch of the Interstate Highway System.

However, the Holy Father threw a sop to the right wing as well with a surprise declaration that abortion is a sin.

Laissez-faire economist Larry Kudlow, a convert to Catholicism, said "I applaud the Pope's remarks, but — and I don't want to come off as partisan — there is an unnecessary element of finger-pointing."

Francis also asserted that his remarks were not only infallible but interrelated. "Every dilation-and-curettage will perceptibly raise the world's ocean levels (in the year 2300)," he said. The linkage between these issues means that the Pope's speech was coherent. No pundit came forward to rebut the Pontiff, not only because they all got some of what they wanted, but because speaking out of both sides of one's mouth is nothing compared to the College of Cardinals elevating a Token Latino Pope in the first place. The Pope is originally from Argentina, where Liberation Theology has long held sway. This holds that ruinous taxes, Draconian gun control, and a gigantic welfare state confer benefits and have no costs — except for those imposed by the continual parade of lawbreakers, which simply proves that the Church has "more work to do."

The Pope said his letter was addressed to "every person living on this planet." Coincidentally, every newbie writer to this website strives for that exact audience — except for the pesky matter of getting anyone to care about one's remarks, and to discover where they are.

On other themes, the Holy Father stated that:

  • If the international banking community simply shows forbearance and coughs up another tranche of emergency lending so that Greek banks don't collapse this weekend, Greece will indeed pay the money back, albeit with money from the tranche after that one.
  • Robber Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri really did have his Hands Up and was begging the racist white policeman, "Don't Shoot."
  • It is "absolutely untrue" that Tom Brady knew of, or ordered, footballs to be deflated before the playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. "If there are recent new Ideal Gas Laws that would put this in any other light," said Francis, "I am sure the Lord would have let me know."

Unfortunately, despite giving everyone a little something more completely than Paris Hilton, the Pope's remarks are unlikely to induce members of either political wing to turn up at church next Sunday to hear more of the same, let alone deposit crisp new banknotes in the collection plate.

Sources[edit]

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