UnNews:Queen invites Harry for tea

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4 March 2020

Queen Elizabeth's new post-Brexit look

BUCKINGHAM PALACE -- In a surprise announcement, Queen Elizabeth II has hinted that she will allow Harry and possibly even Meghan to return to life in the palace. Her troublesome grandson and her equally troublesome granddaughter-in-law have upset the reigning monarch to a newsworthy degree. Still, the Queen has decided that it is in the best interests of the English monarchy and the House of Windsor to maintain at least a semblance of unity in the family.

UnNews: "Your Majesty, what exactly is the problem with Prince Harry?"

QEII: "First, the red hair. We have done our best to cultivate our public image as very sedate, boring uppermost class royalty. This allows the lower classes to nod their heads to the inspiring example of our apparent probity and dignity while chasing their vulgar amusements. Harry gives the distinct impression of a bumptious Scotsman who has not the good sense to dye his hair gray and go bald. We have but to look at the mess that red haired Australian got us into."

UnNews: "How much of this is due to the attempt of the Duke and Duchess to rebrand themselves as hip royal influencers who take a lot of selfies?"

QEII: "It's this branding business. I am the one who hands out patents royal, not them. Then one of them thought up the idea of calling themselves Sussex Republic and that is just beyond the pale. We need no more of our subjects pondering why we should own a considerable slice of the island and get paid to give some of that money back to the less fortunate."

UnNews: "Is there any substance to speculation that your Majesty and the Duchess do not see eye to eye now and then?"

QEII: "Apart from the fact that those stilt-like legs of hers mean that I'm looking down her blouse most of the time, we do not differ to the degree that would jeopardize the style of living to which we have become accustomed."

UnNews: "Would their return perhaps divert attention from the misadventures of your younger son?"

QEII: "If I told him once, I told him a hundred times. Pursue the temptations of the flesh if you will, but do it privately and stay clear of the schoolies like your older brother. It's not the eighteenth century anymore."

UnNews: "Could you comment on the rumors that you keep a body double for difficult interviews like this? It is said that people like Vladimir Putin are quite fond of the idea."

QEII: "Mr Putin, while he does have a remarkable record of military adventures in his attempts to claw back some of the former Russian Empire, should also realize that it is no longer the eighteenth century. Young man, why would anyone want to look enough like me to confuse the representatives of the press? Even for the hefty sum of 100,000 pounds per year? Oops, I meant that hypothetically, you know."

UnNews: "Indeed, your Majesty, one could buy a number of blue dresses and hats without making much of a dent in that figure. For a final question, what is your opinion of the current Prime Minister?"

QEII: "Oh, dear Boris. A model for all true Englishmen. A deceitful, womanizing scoundrel who is the darling of the upper classes. He swaps women like we trade in our Bentleys, before the smell of new leather has faded. I tell you, if I didn't have to act like the Pope on hormone therapy for a lousy 27 million, I'd invite him over for a drink or two. As a Prime Minister, superb. Promises, promises. That's what we need instead of this constant whining about refugees and inequality. But let me add that Harry should take a bit more notice of our Boris. I plan to impress this upon him if he ever takes up my offer of tea."

UnNews: "Well, your Majesty, I must say that you are looking very well today. To what do you attribute this look of rejuvenation?"

QEII: "Brexit, my dear boy. Due to the new lease on life afforded to our country, all of us look much younger. Just check our new passports."

Sources[edit]

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