UnNews:Rodent gives US the cold shoulder

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Monday, May 13, 2024, 13:09:59 (UTC)
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2 February 2019

Phil just laughs.

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania USA -- With the annual ritual of Punxsutawney Phil and his groundhog brethren being dragged out of their nice warm burrows to predict the weather, the verdict is 54 more weeks of winter as the famous groundhog saw his shadow no less than nine times. Phil was heard to be guffawing and chuckling constantly throughout the ceremony. He was taken to the local veterinary hospital still snorting and giggling as he may have hurt himself laughing. The animal is currently sedated and his condition is reported as "good". Other Groundhog Day prognosticators have also come up with the same report. This follows on the heels of the problems caused by the recent extreme polar vortex event affecting much of the Midwest.

While climate change advocates explain that global warming will cause more weather extremes such as this, anti-climate changers crowed that global warming was nonexistent. "We knew all along those [deleted] were wrong all along" said an unidentified Chicagoan who had one hand frozen to the door handle of his car and the other frozen to a large icicle.

Sunbathers and beachgoers in Minnesota were surprised, as they considered the weather to be no different than any other year. "This is the perfect time of year. No mosquitos, you betcha," said one resident in swim trunks and flipflops. A spokesman for polar bears was unavailable for comment at presstime.

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