UnNews:Sightings increase: Cows may be coming home

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Thursday, April 25, 2024, 02:14:59 (UTC)

21 April 2007

BUTTE, MONTANA, April 17-- It started as a few scattered reports of roaming cows. But, soon local ranchers found they had more than a few broken fences to mend. In a desolate part of the U.S. often referred to as "big sky country" the night is typically disturbed only by a coyote's call or an alien cattle mutilation. "It started last Saturday," said Sheriff Porcine Flatus of Butte, Montana. "At first we thought some cows had just got out over at the McDurdle place, but then we noticed they was out at the Fritterdon's and the Wankers', too. They was all meetin' up and marchin' on down the road - I never seen such athing." Sheriff Flatus received missing cattle calls all day, through the night and into the next day. "I had to take some of the meth we had in evidence just to get through the night," he said, clinching his jaw periodically and sucking his upper lip. "Them cows, them cows is up to no good." Similar reports from around theglobe have led investigators to agree that something often spoken about may indeed be happening - the cows are coming home.

Two cows looking for home?

ROTTENMANN, AUSTRIA April 16-- Hans Burglar was going out to tend to his herd of rare Austrian dancing cows when he noticed something peculiar - they weren't there. He called local authorities, and they had an answer for him right away. "The police told me that they had seen 'em walking in a straight line out of town. What was strange was other cows along the way were breakin' down the fence and goin' along! There was no stoppin' them!" Other towns and villages in this remote part of the world where nothing much happens, save every now and then when you might get a juicy tid-bit about the schoolteacher or the bank teller, were reporting the same thing. Cows were gone. Cows were moving. Cows were going home.

ALTUS, OKLAHOMA April 18-- Altus is the kind of town where the local folks meet at Flo's diner to discuss other people'sbusiness, a place where the butcher at the Hogly Wogly is doing your old lady while you are at work, middle America in the middle of a growing mystery. "I heard what sounded like a rumble," said Owen Yamunny, town drunk. "There was a rumble an' a dust cloud down by Smelly Creek. I figgered I was just hallucinatin' 'cause I couldn't get a drink." But he wasn't. "They was all bellerin' like there was no tomorrow! And the smell, I'll never forget that smell. Say, ya cain't spare a couple a' bucks, can ya?" he asked, wiping dried spittle from his chin. "It sounded horrible!! Just horrible!" said Edna Phunkworth, local prostitute and librarian. "It woke me straight up outta bed - I thought the Lord had come with a heavenly army of cows! I just grabbed some clothes and ran! These pants don't make my ass look fat, do they?" Yes, and no, Edna, it wasn't the Lord, but all of the cows in Altus were an awesome sight. Most have never seen such organization and determination amongst these bovine soujourners. Truly, it looks as if the cows are coming home.

HAIFA, ISRAEL April 19-- Professor Hymie "Ish" Ruebenonrye of Haifa University Studies of the Unknown has a theory. "Vee vreed it in old texts, eets not in dee Bible, but der vas an olt story I heerd years ago, about de cows goink home." He points to a microfilm of an ancient document found among the Dead Sea scrolls. "Eets all een derr!" he emphasizes by pounding his pointed finger on his desk. "Eet sez eet right heyer," he reads, "an der cowz'll come home ven der time ees right. Oye." The time seems to be right now. Many are watching for other signs as well, but other ancient manuscripts seem devoid of any mention of restless or weary homesick cows. "Der jeest isn't very much wreeten about eet. But I tell you, you must be vatching your ass." Many believe it is spoken of in this cryptic, hard to decipher quatrain of Nostradamus: "When the second of two bushes is in the white house, a dick with chains starts world war three, signs and smoke and wonders, mooing cattle returning home."

Are they also going home?

BOSTON, MASS April 19-- "It could be an interesting time if this is true," says Dr. I. Nowittal of Boston City University Cultural Studies. "The economic impact could be devastating. The food supplies could be decimated. But, that's just the beginning. Pigs could fly, pigs could fly out of people's asses. Hell could freeze over. Stars could fall from the sky and mountains fall into the sea. These are just a few of the things to watch for if the cows really are headed home, and no one knows where that is." And, as well, nobody knows why. Are they angry for being bred to be brutally slaughtered and eaten? Are they tired of having their genitals mutilated by alleged "gray aliens?" Are they responding to a cattle call from a higher rancher somewhere? Meanwhile people around the world watch and wait as hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of cows are marching in unison with what appears to be a common purpose. What are they doing? Where are they going? "If they really are coming home, we will know soon," Nowittal adds, "There was a report of a man in Holland with a pig in his ass, but it turns out he was the one who put it there. To be sure, just watch for flying pigs, and watch your ass. You can watch it 'til the cows come home!"