UnNews:Ted Cruz promises to take more people to Mexico next time

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Saturday, May 15, 2021, 17:01:59 (UTC)

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20 February 2021

Senator Ted Cruz trying to sneak past cameras as an average, overweight Joe.

HOUSTON, Texas -- Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has apologized to Texans for not bringing more people with him to México on a short holiday away from the blizzards and cold in his home state. Cruz said he was only able to take his wife, his daughters, and their friends for a poolside holiday in Cancún, México, but had checked if it had been possible to take all those who voted for him in 2018.

"Contrary to reports you have seen on CNN, I had not abandoned Texas for a suntan," said the junior Senator for Texas. "I would have checked all of my 4,260,553 constituents into excess baggage if I could, but there wasn't enough room in coach. The overhead compartments were full too. I'm sure all fair-minded Republican Texans would have sympathized with my dilemma. Nor did I leave my office without cover. Our family dog Snowflake provided all the necessary emergency advice required to answer calls. One bark for yes, two for no."

Cruz was unflatteringly photographed wearing a mask at Speedy Gonzales International Airport in Cancún, dragging a heavy suitcase behind him full of disguises. A separate tote bag contained beard-trimmers and cellphones in need of recharging, as there is still electricity in Cancún. At first, Cruz said he was just dropping off his family in México to fend for themselves while he went back to work. He later blamed his family for the bad press and then Snowflake for living up to his name and not helping with urgent requests for help. He then changed his story again and said he wished all of Texas had been able to come with him.

"Would I do it again?" Cruz asked. "Next time, I'll wear a bigger mask — or a burqa."