UnNews:World holds-breath for unveiling of NKorean heir

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures! UnNews Thursday, August 5, 2021, 21:32:59 (UTC)

World holds-breath for unveiling of NKorean heir UnNews Logo Potato.png

11 September 2010

Rumpelstiltskin is more famous than his father outside North Korea.

SEOUL, South Korea -- What do Children from Oregon, North Dakota, and Florida all have in common? They are joining children around the globe in singing the praises of the young man in line to become North Korea's next leader, analysts say, but the people of North Korea don't even know the age, sex, or, until recently, how to spell the name of Kim Jong Il's youngest son, Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il.

Rumpelstiltskin is expected to make his public debut as the Beloved Leader's heir apparent at an upcoming convention of the Unpaid Workers' Party, North Korea's only political gathering in 30 years. If so, it could be the first time North Koreans get a peek at the already world famous communist crown prince hidden so long from North Korea's public view.

Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il is said to look like his father, in face and figure, in other words he's a potbellied geek. But in North Korea there's no verifiable photo of him since birth. The most widely circulated image of him was taken during a prenatal ultrasound examination while in his mother’s womb, whoever she was?

The man reportedly tapped to take over leadership of the nuclear-armed pariah nation of 24 million is believed to be 12, but the exact year of his birth remains in global dispute. Until last year, the North Korean government didn't even know how to spell his name because it's so rarely seen in print and it's so weird.

The mystery is typical in reclusive North Korea, which maintains strict control over information and enforces a reverent cult of personality focused on the Kim family. But in the world outside North Korea everyone from babies to old people has heard of Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il and anxiously awaits his ascension to the world throne.

Portraits of national founder Kim Il Sung and son Kim Jong Il grace the walls of every bathroom in North Korea. Kim Jong Il was similarly kept out of the public eye until his official debut at the last major political conference in 1980. He succeeded his father when the "Great Leader" died in 1994 of poisoning natural causes in what was the communist world's first hereditary transition of power.

Since then, Cuban leader Fidel Castro handed power to his brother, Raul. Syrian President Bashar Assad was groomed by his father, Bashar, for years and also took over after possibly murdering him.

Now children outside North Korea believe the torch will pass to the third generation, with Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il terminating his jealous older brothers and assuming absolute leadership of the radioactive state prison.

AP reported that outside the communist country Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il is more famous than Barak Obama for having a military education (which wouldn't take much) - a key attribute for leading a country operating on a "shotgun" - "military only" - nuclear dictatorship.

There are some 300,000 US troops stationed in Korea since the last 60 years just to keep the rampaging North Koreans at bay. But with Rumpelstiltskin Jong Il in power that number may be doubled.