UnScripts:Starsky and Hutch
Episode #1.32 - "The Mob that Rocks the Cradle"
Act 1 - Funky Huggy Time
[A dark tunnel. A light. You reach. You reach the light. Time. Space. Meaningless. You have entered... the 1970s.]
[You come to on a seedy street in Bay City. You admire your large afro in a puddle on the ground. You find a newspaper in a nearby trash can. The date? November 3rd, 1976. This is the last time you put a toaster in the microwave, you think. Time machines just ain't right. You examine the newspaper closer. A headline screams: 'COPS STARSKY AND HUTCH FOIL INTERNATIONAL HAIRSPRAY SMUGGLING RING'. Who are these two people? You think you're here to stay. May as well make the most of it, and find out just who this Starsky and Hutch are. Funky music plays as an African American man dressed in funky clothes approaches you.]
HUGGY BEAR: Yo, honky. You lookin' for trouble? Oh, I see. Well that kind of information don't come for nothin'.
[You slip him a twenty]
HUGGY BEAR: Well now, that's more like. My name is Huggy Bear and this here is Bay City. You're probably wondering what that's got to do with Starsky and Hutch. Well, fella, this here Bay City is where our two favourite cops hail from, and I just happen to be their favourite ear on the street. Know what I'm saying? And they should be here any minute. Wait, I think I hear 'em.
[A really funky looking red Torino with a white stripe down the side crashes through some cardboard boxes and heads straight for you! Luckily, the driver slams on the handbrake in time, swinging the car sideways, stopping inches from you.]
[Two dudes get out, the driver, a brown haired guy in a tattered leather jacket and jeans, and the passenger, a sandy haired, tall guy wearing a tan leather jacket, sideburns and jeans with flares that'd trip up a blind man. The driver talks first.]
STARSKY: We got a call-out to this address. Said somebody looking for Starsky and Hutch?
HUGGY BEAR: Yeah, this cat right here.
STARSKY: Oh. Looks kinda familiar eh, Hutch?
HUTCH: Kinda. I guess you wanna know about Starsky and Hutch? Well, it was a little show that ran from 1975 to 1979, concerning the activities of two funky cops, their funky car, their funky snitch, their funky chief and the funky criminals they have to catch.
HUGGY BEAR: Yeah, real funky.
HUTCH: It was kinda, influential, eh Starsky?
HUTCH: I dunno about that Starsky, but it was certainly the coolest series ever to feature two blatantly homosexual characters.
HUGGY BEAR: Say what?
STARSKY: What are you talking about, Hutch? We're both straight. We have different women in nearly every episode.
HUTCH: Exactly. None of them can ever fulfil our true desire. Our desire for each other.
HUGGY BEAR: Say what?
STARSKY: We're partners Hutch, that's all. When did you see anything that suggested otherwise?
HUTCH: You know, the way we touch each other. We hug. One time you danced with me.
STARSKY: That was a joke!
HUTCH: It didn't feel like a joke to me. Our beating hearts edging ever closer. Your flares gently rolling down my platform shoes. Your perm and my effeminate shock of blonde hair intertwining, like our hearts...
HUGGY BEAR: Say what?
STARSKY: I think you've been getting the wrong signals, Hutch.
HUTCH: Oh yeah? What about that episode where we were going into a steam room and we both got naked together?
STARSKY: We were changing into towels! Steam rooms are hot.
HUTCH: The only thing hot was your breath on the back of my neck as you checked every inch of my body out with your penetrating gaze.
STARSKY: Stop it Hutch. I don't like you like that.
HUTCH: Oh yeah? What about that time we raided that ladyboy brothel when we went on holiday to Bangkok?
STARSKY: That doesn't count. We were on a whole other continent.
HUGGY BEAR: Alright, already, we get it. I got something to tell you cats. Apparently mob boss Danny Trufino is back in town after you put him away.
HUTCH: To prison?
HUGGY BEAR: Yeah. Where else? Anyway, he's out, and he's looking for you.
STARSKY: We'd better head back to HQ, Hutch.
HUTCH: You comin' with us?
[You nod gently, the shadow of your afro momentarily blocking the sun from Huggy's eyes. You grab onto the side of the Torino as it pulls away. Huggy waves, making his platinum dollar sign chain jangle against his gold bracelets.]
Act 2 - Hail to the Captain
[You reach Police HQ still holding on to the side of the car. It stops suddenly and you fly into some trash cans.]
STARSKY: Damn kids.
[All three of you enter the Police HQ and head to Captain Dobey's office. The Captain is eating a steak, garnished with tomatoes, lettuce, a little mustard and a pinch of salt and pepper.]
CAPTAIN DOBEY: What the hell you want?
HUTCH: Huggy's been telling us Danny Trufino's back in town.
CAPTAIN DOBEY: He is? I guess he'll be sending you fellas a present. A present of death. Who's this?
STARSKY: This is the new kid. He wants to know a little about us.
CAPTAIN DOBEY: He doesn't support your blasé attitude to the book, funky style of dress or shoot-first-ask-questions-later approach to law enforcement does he?
HUTCH: I dunno.
CAPTAIN DOBEY: If he's gonna be hanging around with you, one thing's for certain. Somebody's gonna die. I hope it ain't him. Here, take this.
[The Captain takes a Kevlar vest from his desk and hands it to you. You put it on.]
CAPTAIN DOBEY: Wow, that's a nice fit.
HUTCH: Yeah, it really accentuates your chiselled pecs.
CAPTAIN DOBEY: Stop it Hutchinson. Hey, Starsky, how'd you get on with that girl you were with last night? Mumbly, Mary...
[Hutch looks aggravated and uncomfortable.]
STARSKY: Tanya? I woke up this morning and she was gone. Like the rest of them. I bring 'em to cocktail parties, for ice cream, to my stake-outs. I even let her finish off a couple of bad guys. But it's not enough. It's never enough. I just can't perform.
[Hutch is smiling]
HUTCH: Oh, what a shame. Anyway, back to things that matter, how's this thing with Trufino gonna go down?
CAPTAIN DOBEY: There's two ways this can go down. Trufino finds you, or you find Trufino.
STARSKY: Where do we start?
CAPTAIN DOBEY: Trufino's old bar over on seventh. And get me some egg rolls, will ya? And more mustard. A hell of a lot more mustard.
[You head back outside, cling to the Torino and head over to Seventh.]
Act 3 - Smells like Trufino
[Trufino's bar is grimy, dirty and filthy. You head inside and see the usual punters. One armed war veterans. One eyed war veterans. One legged war vetarans. Hutch approaches the barman.]
HUTCH: I'm looking for Danny Trufino.
[Everyone in the bar goes quiet and look at the three of you suspiciously.]
BARMAN: What do you want with Danny? He just got out of prison you know.
HUTCH: Yeah. We were the ones that put him there.
BARMAN: Son of a...
[The barman reaches under the counter and produces a shotgun. Starsky thinks fast and shoots him in the balls. The patrons all run out, scared.]
STARSKY: He had balls. Had being the operative word. Because now he doesn't have any.
[You hear a muscle car tear out of the alley behind the bar. You look at each other knowingly. It must be Trufino. You quickly head into the Torino and give chase. Hutch puts the red siren on top of the car. It falls off and hits an old lady. You spot the orange Mustang straight ahead. It takes to the kerb, knocking over some fruit stands and cardboard boxes. The Torino follows it into an alley where there are lots of pieces of paper on the ground for some reason. They fly up into the sky as the Torino drives past. Trufino begins to fire his gun at the Torino.]
TRUFINO: Eat lead, copper!
[Hutch fires back, hitting the Mustang's tyre. You end up outside a warehouse. Trufino heads inside.]
HUTCH: This must be Trufino's main base here in Bay City.
STARSKY: Yeah. Maybe we can kill two birds with the one stone and shut down his smuggling too.
HUTCH: He's some piece of work, this guy. Come on.
[You all head inside the warehouse. It is quiet. Too quiet. You hear a rustling behind you as the door you came in closes suddenly. You look around but see nothing. The duo have their guns drawn.]
STARSKY: Trufino! We know you're in here! Come on out with your hands up and drop your gun, or vice versa.
TRUFINO: Vice versa this, cop!
[A burst of machine gun fires hits a nearby shipping crate. You all duck to cover.]
HUTCH: You go low. I'll go high. Alright?
[The duo surge forward, firing at Trufino. He fires back. Just as he is reloading, Hutch gets Trufino right between the eyes. He slumps down, dead. Something falls out of his hand. It is the dead man's switch for a bomb. You hear a loud beeping.]
HUTCH: It's a bomb! Get out of here!
[You all run outside just as the warehouse explodes. Starsky and Hutch dive to cover just in time, but you are hit in the head by shrapnel.]
STARSKY: Oh Jesus. Poor kid. On his first day and everything.
HUTCH: Hey look, I can see his brain.
STARSKY: Oh yeah. You... saved my life. You know that?
STARSKY: How could I reject you like I did? How could I not see what we have is special? More special than anything in the world.
HUTCH: Don't worry about it, Starsky. The future begins today.
[With your last flicker of life, you see the pair embrace. Hutch lifts Starsky off his feet. The last thing you see is Starsky giving you the thumbs up, but you die happy knowing two lonely souls finally finding happiness in each other's arms.]
<poll> What happens next? You are resurrected as a robot policeman. You die and Starsky and Hutch get married in Canada. You live and become a Republican, banning gay police officers. That'll teach them for leaving you to die. </poll>