Unlucky number

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"God does not play dice except in manifold 8-dimensional space." – Abraham Lincoln.

Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv[1], skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, and zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as numbers, despite there being infinite numbers!

Unlucky number theory[edit]

Most numerologists agree that when the universe was being created by a giant cosmic consciousness, certain numbers in the range of zero and above were rejected by that universal mind for being too complex or useless. As these numbers are now contrary to the laws of nature, invoking or trying to use them disrupts the space-time fabric, causing conflicts. This manifests in the form of bad luck and dandruff.

But who would pick such numbers that would prove to bring trouble time after time in history? Most numerologists point to the Schmuck hypothesis, where certain people are drawn to "unlucky" numbers because they are themselves unlucky. This is demonstrated by the well-known Monty Hall problem, where apparently lucky people somehow sabotage themselves into showing their inherent unlucky nature by failing to understand Kantian psychology, statistical probability and not listening to your mom. In the end, it's not the numbers that are unlucky, it's you.

So you should put down that gun you were going to use to do yourself in. Nonetheless, it is indeed you and not the numbers you pick that are unlucky. But put down that gun again and consider that your bad luck will just make you miss yourself. Now while you sit on your bed don't spin the pistol on your finger because... yes, that. Don't just sit there in shock. Go outside and hope you didn't hit that police car driving past, or even worse, your neighbor's poodle. Both with one shot? And 1 is your unlucky number? Well, then, QED as they say in the mathematics world.

Supposedly unlucky numbers[edit]

  • 13 — The number 13 being unlucky was contrived by cowards to scare children and make themselves feel big. The height of 13 paranoia was in the 1970s when calculators were introduced. The original run of calculators by Texas Instruments didn't have 1s or 3s because they didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself and fill all row boats with goo. Unluckily, the mathematical formula that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.
  • 40 — This number is fabled to be unlucky as perpetuated by ageists and thermodynamics. But 40 is the new 20! And 20 is never unlucky unless you're playing blackjack & accidentally say, "Hit me."
  • 1: The Loneliest Number — Scientists have determined that the true loneliest number is actually 19. Because when you're at a party with 19 people and have no one to pair off with you're far lonelier than when you're by yourself. However 19 is not an unlucky number because it is awesome to be 19 years old & to have 19 pieces of pizza.
  • (Your Lottery Number) — The truth is your number suffers from conditional luckiness. Use it for something other than the lottery and see good fortune fly your way.

The future of unlucky numbers[edit]

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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Unlucky number.

New numbers are being discovered by scientists all the time. Consider that with the vast quantities of new numbers being found every year, there will be some that will be far unluckier than the ones you have already chosen. Therefore, so long as you haven't chosen a new favorite number that is both prime and over 5 trillion digits long that... you have already done that? Sucks to be you, then, at least in a mathematical sense.

Mathimagicians predict that the number 52 will become unlucky in 2019. And if you're reading this in 2019, for corndog sakes please update this article and tell us if it was true![2]

See also[edit]

Potentially unlucky numbers include:

Footnotes[edit]

  1. The green square one, not the other one.
  2. Truth is illegal in 2019, so we can only lie and tell you "maybe so".