I know what you're thinking: But sir, you say in a thick English accent, unicorns are so rare and beautiful! Well let me tell you something Buster Brown, unicorns are worthless, and you'll see that by the end of the article. This message is brought to you by the Fearless Unicorn Cappers... Association... Well, WE thought it was a good name... Founded in 1889 by an intrepid group of explorers, we are determined to bring those damn bastard unicorns back into line. Unicorns should be pulling our grocery carts and milling our wheat... not milling our hearts. Remember our motto: We're Unicorn FUCAs. Hey, it's the best motto we could come up with on our budget.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Dear God, Why?
It's not easy to kill a unicorn. From far away, and even from up close, unicorns are real pretty n' shit. But if you know unicorns like I don't, you would have a real problem with em. FUCA has been recruiting people to our cause for a century with a list of complaints we have against unicorns, a book of recipes, sex positions, a map of unicorn hideouts, and a list of reasons to hunt unicorns in the first place.
The most important reason to want to bring down one of these creatures is for the horn. There are a lot of different theories on what the horn is filled with, but I can tell you right now, it's gotta be worth something. If you tear the horn off the unicorn's head and sprinkle its contents all over the place, you'll be able to fly. This is because those horns are chock fulla fairy dust. And, like any bone, it will probably be filled with bone marrow, which can create new blood cells. If you're dying of leukemia, or anything at all, I guarantee that Unicorn Marrow will take care of it. I bet it can solve ugliness, diabetes, poor grammar... hell, anything at all! I would even bet that if you "open up" a unicorn horn, some kind of genie could pop out... grant you some of those wishes you've been needing. But there could be another prize inside: a unicorn horn could have the best item in the universe packed away in there. Now, I'm not exactly sure what that could be, but whatever is inside a unicorn horn is gonna be pretty fucking amazing! It would be a combination of all the other great things in the universe: sex, cookies, a mother's love, respect, double-neck guitars, video games, everything! Have I convinced you? No? Let's move on, then.
The Challenge Of It
The seduction of the hunt for a unicorn is that they're clever. Some of them even speak English! Not like those stupid deer, or those dumb squirrels, or those damned gorillas. Unicorns have special powers that make the hunting of them all the more interesting.
- High IQ: Recent tests of unicorns have proven that they have a significantly higher IQ than people.
- Speak English: Unicorns can pass high school equivalency exams for English speakers.
- Masters of Disguise: Unicorns can obviously hide very well. Why do you think we never see them?
- Ain't slouches: Unicorns are, despite the magical community's opinion, pretty badass, and therefore should prove quite an interesting hunt.
Unicorns Think They're Better Than You
Unicorns think they're so god damned amazing. Well, I'll tell you what you have that unicorns don't: a sense of decency. We humans cover our horns at all times, sir, and don't you forget it. But while we're at it, how specifically do unicorns think they're better than you?
- Magnificent: Okay, they got us there. They are magnificent: when was the last time someone painted a weird picture of you on the side of their van? That recently? Oh, sorry.
- Adorable: Not as cool as "magnificent," but again, they got us. I don't see YOU being made into a beanie babie any time soon, even though you are on the side of a van.
- Magical: Yeah, okay, they win. They can basically make your deepest wish come true by licking themselves in your general direction. That's how magical they are. Shit.
- Hot: Well, who doesn't want to look at uniporn every once in a while? That only proves that they think they're better than you. Is there <insert name here> porn? I didn't think so. There is? Oh yeah I saw it. Well, let's just say that that doesn't count as "porn" exactly. Rule 34 beotches.
- Better than you: Just because they're better than you, does that mean they can think they're better than you? What sense does that make? That dog won't hunt, monsignor!
Unicorns Are Bad People
It may be hard to believe at first, but unicorns are the reason a lot of bad things happen to you. If you can't explain it, it was probably unicorns.
- Missing Kidneys: I know it's a cliché, but I saw one. I saw a unicorn taking my goddamn kidney right in front of me. I know where that bastard lives, too! He popped back into the washing machine when I turned my back!
- Your Failure: I know that the reason I keep getting passed over for promotions is cuz of unicorns! It's just a big ol honkin' conspiracy of unicorns. I bet at lunch they take off their human costumes and laugh at me! After I kill 'em all, I'm gonna have fun with their horns (and I mean that in the least sexual way possible).
- Global Warming: Okay, hear me out. The damn unicorns have used the socks and their managerial power to make the world warmer. They've collected all the socks into a giant ball with which to gather static electricity. THEN when the time is right, they're gonna use their connections to shoot it into f'in space, where it fucks up the atmosphere!
- JFK Assassination: Dude. You know it's true.
- Iraq War: The Iraq War is truly strange, but the one question everyone is asking is, why did we go in? I'll tell you the answer: unicorns made us. They hypnotized us, like they always do. Those bastards deserve to be mounted on my trophy case (and I mean that in the least sexual way possible).
- Broken Promises: Remember all the fanciful dreams you had when you were a kid? You wished unicorns would come to your birthday party and beat the shit out of that kid that was messing up the party for everyone? It didn't come, did it... you unicorn-loving pansy...
- The Romanovs For more on the hunting of unicorns and where they came from, well at least who bred them.
- Unicorn Duh.
- Institute for Unicorn Research - Get the latest Unicorn hunting technology!
- Bears vs. Unicorns Conflict - Check out their strategies!
- Pegasi—the unicorn's natural enemies. Why don't you join forces with them?