American Politician
The American Politician (Politicus americus) is a two-legged, anthropomorphic form of politician found mainly in the United States, although a washed-out one turns up in Canada now and then. Originally genetically engineered as a big “screw you” to King George III, the P. americus now control most of the free world. Politicians are considered an invasive species for two reasons: they have no natural predators and nobody likes them.
Differences Between Other Species of Politicians[edit]
American politicians differ from British ones (Politicus londonicus)in that they have never actually visited the places they represent. They differ from Australian politicians (Politicus kangaroos) in that they do not work a second job feeding hogs (except the ones from Iowa, see C. Southernus below).
How To Identify a Politician[edit]
You can easily identify a politician using an easy two-step test:
- Is the animal a clean, well-dressed, usually white male between the ages of 40 and 70?
- Is the animal making obvious attempts to pretend it gives a shit about your life?
If you answered “yes” to both of the above questions, you almost certainly have a politician on your hands. WARNING: Run away as fast as you can before it tells you about its revolutionary new “health care initiative” and tries to drag you to a “polling place”!
General Information About Politicians[edit]
Politicians appear similar to humans but lack the cranial capacity of the Americans, the humility of the French, and the integrity of most corporate leaders. They feed on votes, and will do anything to attain them: campaign, buy ads, bribe government officials, or attack opponents viciously with their razor sharp claws. Politicians’ main uses include being the butt of countless jokes in this article and on Uncyclopedia in general.
Types of Politicians In America[edit]
There are hundreds of types of politicians across the world. Tall ones, fat ones, British ones, female ones (Ha ha! Just kidding!). But perhaps no country has as much of a problem with politicians as America, where anyone with a hundred million dollars, a great fake smile, white skin, a penis, no initiative whatsoever, and some friends in the polling places can be president. Here are some of the most common types to look out for:
Good Old Boy (Conservitalus southernus)[edit]
The C. southernus has had a cushy political career so far. It inherited a large fortune from its father, who got it from a combination of old fashioned Christian values and the vicious slaughter of anything in its way. It has a beautiful, foreign wife and three lovely cubs, and its sex scandal has been nicely hidden from the public view. Now the governor of an ex-slave state, it wants your vote to make America an upstanding, moral country, just like it was a hundred and fifty years ago. Don’t be fooled by their deceptions: all it really wants is your heart, on a platter. Cash donations are also acceptable.
Scumbag (Insiderus sleaziati)[edit]
Infesting the streets of most major cities, the I. sleaziati preys on the weak, the vulnerable, and the Undecided Voter. In a misguided attempt to be cool, hip, and modern,it will often attend baseball matches and adopt funny hats. It sometimes chooses to use its enormous fake smile to get your vote, and if this doesn’t work, it will resort to its razor-sharp claws or three inch-long fangs. Still no? No sweat--a quick call to its old friend Jerry at the local polling place will make sure your vote “accidentally” winds up in the wrong ballot box.
Outsider (Fakialus smilori)[edit]
Don’t let the innocent look in its face or its $400 haircut fool you. It may claim that it was the runt of the litter, grew up poor, and had to work its way up in the world, but this story is most likely bull shit. This political noob is either just an insider looking for a new angle, or, worse, is telling the truth, which rarely ends well. Remember Jimmy Carter?
Independent (Whous caresus)[edit]
An independent candidate is one that does not associate itself with any major political party. These come in many varieties: Green, Libertarian, Reform, or Monster Raving Loony. Unlike most politicians, who prefer to win votes by slaughtering their opponents and eating their bodies whole, Independent candidates tend to prefer reasoned discussion and taking stands on the issues. No wonder there are only two of these guys in Congress.
Hillary Clinton (Molto evileyeus)[edit]
An exceedingly rare species of Politicus, the M. evileyeus is the Empress of all evil. From her secret lair in Mordor, she plots world domination. 270 electoral votes are all she needs to unleash a wave of destruction the likes of which have never been seen before. Her vast Armies of the Dead march off to do her bidding as you read this. Who knows what unspeakable acts they will commit?
Honest Politician (Bullus Shiitus)[edit]
All right, you’ve caught us. We just made this one up. Had you going there for a minute, though.
How To Exterminate Politicians[edit]
Politicians are highly resilient creatures. Their tough hides can withstand everything from a sexual scandal to a nuclear blast. Most methods of killing politicians involve using fire and holy water. Besides this, converting your country to a military dictatorship will effectively kill all politicians within your borders, as they are deprived of their necessary sustenance of votes. Many African countries have created a model of politician extermination by converting to fascist governments, leaving them politician-less. These countries are considered a model for less advanced countries such as Germany and Japan. The U.S. government has begun to take steps in this direction, but for some reason, the politicians in Congress have been hesitant to make this transition.
End the Politician Problem Once and For All![edit]
Let's face it, America. The only way to end the politician problem once and for all is to starve them. And to do that, every upstanding citizen must do their part to kill the dangerous politicians. Be a responsible citizen and do not vote in the upcoming elections of November 4, or even the primaries in January or February or whenever. Do not take the time to learn about the candidates' takes on important issues, and certainly don't watch the debates. Fifty percent of America doesn't participate in the election, so we're already halfway there. Remember: only with your help can we end the infestation. So, get out there and don't vote.
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