Battle of Bosworth

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Battle of Bosworth
Part of War of the Roses

Little people fighting over little things
Date Sunday, 22 August 1485
Location Bosworth Field, Leicestershire
Result Tudors trounce Plantagenets
Causes Best Hooter
White Yorkists Red Lancastrians
Richard III

Hacked Up†, Bootiful Duke of Norfolk†

Henry Tudor (Henry VII), Marquis de Sade
Around 14,500 Around 5,000
Richard III and a few other blokes Broken plates. Missing horses. Loose teeth.

“Who stole my bloody horse?”

~ Richard III discovers horse thieves on the battlefield.

“Cough sweets? Wrong type of ho(a)rse!!”

“Rhybudd. Mae'r ceffyl yn bacio. Rhybudd. Mae'r ceffyl yn bacio[1]. Bye-bye Dickie”

~ Henry Tudor
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Battle of Bosworth.
I've got you on the run Turdor!

The Battle of Bosworth (22nd August 1485) is classified as the last ruckus in the War of the Roses. It saw King Richard III slain on the battlefield and his successor Henry VII proclaimed king by a patriotic army of mercenaries, Welshmen, Frenchmen, felons, traitors and turncoats[2]. The battle was so famous that years later no one could remember exactly what happened, where it had been fought or whether it had been a good idea after all.

Treachery, Treason and Leeks

Henry and Sir Jasper cooking the meal before the battle

England in the 15th century had gone through a long struggle between rival groups of aristocrats who had nothing better to do but to argue about the colour of roses. Some said the red rose (of England) was more noble but others said white was purer. After some polite discussions, leading on to debates and finally fights - the issue had appeared to have been resolved when King Edward IV killed his rivals in 1471. The Whites or the 'Yorkists' won whilst the Reds (the Lancastrians) were broken and left only an itinerant Welshman called Henry 'Dai' Tudor as their standard bearer. Since there was a price on his head, Henry moved to a caravan park in Brittany where he lived with his uncle Sir Jasper Tudor ('Do Not Touch Me'). Jasper was also Welsh and a creep[3].

That should have been that for the Lancastrians but in 1483 Edward IV died whilst trying to row off his excess body fat in a fishing expedition. His son Edward became King Edward V but needed to have his fancy dress day out (a coronation) to be 'King in the eyes of God'. But Edward was still in short tights so a regent was required or 'protector' as the title was then called. Dead Ed's brother Richard Duke of Gloucester stepped forth and then stepped over the bodies of everyone who got in the way. Richard then persuaded his mother Cecily to state that Edward IV was really her son by a long bowman called Jack the Cad[4] and was therefore the late king was a bastard and his children 'bastardettes'. Edward V had his coronation cancelled and was told to stay in the Tower of London to think about what next he wanted to do with his life. Richard helped him with that by adding Edward IV's younger brother Richard (Little Dickie). The two boys sent Richard a note that read We would like to disappear and travel the world. Their uncle granted them the first wish but 'forgot' the second.

Now as King Richard III, the new monarch saw treason and dissent all around and had many people locked away. There was a rebellion and Henry Tudor sailed over to see if he could help but the rebels were defeated. Richard ordered another round of executions and asked the Duke of Brittany 'What Price that Welsh Leek?' in the hope his rival would meet his maker either there or as a prisoner back in England.

Who was Henry?

The Blonde Kate of Bosworth backed the winner, whoever was victorious.

Henry Tudor's claim to the English throne was so piss-poor that many years later historians explained the murderous reign of his son Henry VIII as a direct consequence of this insecurity over his right to be a monarch.

Everywhere you looked on Henry Tudor's family line there were bastards. His father Edmund was the product of a sweaty fling between Queen Catherine (widow of 'Once more into my breeches sweet Kate' King Henry V) and the Welsh knight Owen Tudor. Owen later had his head chopped off by Edward IV for backing the wrong rose. On Henry's mother's side, Margaret Beaufort was wrong-side-of-the-sheets member of the Beaufort clan who were descended from John of Gaunt. To Richard III (who had become an expert on bastards), Henry Tudor's claims were so pathetic that he hoped the English would laugh at him if the Welshman dared to come over uninvited.

In 1484 Henry Tudor and Jasper Tudor were told to leave Brittany. Unpaid gambling debts and dubious bounced cheques had seen their credit with the Duke downgraded. Richard sent over some more money in the hope the Duke would send the 'Turdors' (as Richard called them) into his hands but the French government intervened and invited Henry and Jasper into France proper instead. Richard then repeated his message/demand to France but he was ignored.

Richard threw a strop and banned all French onion imports but perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised. His French opposite number was Lady Anne of Beaujolais, regent for her nephew King Charles VIII of France. By chance the young frog prince was the same age as the recently disappeared Edward and had been arranging an exchange student swop. So Anne let Henry recruit an army in France but it would be made of criminals, tax dodgers and parking ticket wardens. Add to the mix, a few English tourists imprisoned for lewd behavior in Paris[5]. Now Henry Tudor had an army. Of sorts.


Open the box or take my money Anne.

Richard received reports that Henry was pulling together an army but his mind got distracted to the matter of sex. His only son Eddie died suddenly in March 1485. Then Richard's wife Anne wrote herself out by dying a month later. Richard could have produced the two bastards in the Tower but someone had misfiled them and no one could locate the two boys. The only other possible male Yorkist heir was Edward Duke of Warwick (it seems everyone then was called Edward, a right bugger to work out which Ed was Ed). Warwick was the son of Richard's louche elder brother George who had ended up in dead drunk (and dead) in a barrel of wine a few years earlier. But George's son was a kid and not a very bright one at that. The issue of succession and new a marriage for Richard would have to go on hold for now.

The 'Turdors' landed their army in Wales. They hoped for Welsh solidarity but the locals were unimpressed with the army Henry had brought over. Valuables started going missing and women had their virtues messed about with, so Henry urged his army to invade England and look for allies or quick escape routes if everything went tits up. Henry Tudor didn't inspire much confidence. He had never fought a battle and when he put his breastplate on the wrong way, there was much muttering amongst the ranks. The only loyal ones were the criminals since none of them could expect to be welcomed back in France. The entire enterprise looked doomed and be consigned a tiny footnote in the history of those rose blighted times.

Richard rallies his army

The Swiss Cheese formation that so surprised Richard at the Battle of Bosworth.

Whilst the Tudor army humped and burgled its way across England, at Nottingham Castle Richard waited for his friends to turn up with their armies. John Howard, the Duke of Norfolk arrived in time but the Earl of Northumberland marched very..very..very slowly. Impatient with the delay, Richard marched his men out of Nottingham without the Geordies and headed towards Coventry and Warwick Castle. Finally, 'Timorous Percy' (Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland - also another supposed war leader who hadn't seen a sword flashed in anger either) caught up with Richard.

By now the King was in a foul mood and suffering a lot of weird dreams. His dead brother George Duke of Clarence kept turning up and suggesting they both go for a swim in a lake of wine. Edward IV would appear and ask about his 'boys' and then there was his former wife, Anne asking if him if he intended to stay out late or if 'wanted something hot in bed'.

The big 'missing' factor were two more allies of Richard. The Notorious Stanley Brothers:Lord Thomas and Sir William[6]. Why Richard was pinning so much on those two who had changed sides quicker than change their underwear[7]. The King kept asking where they were and received back enigmatic replies like 'we're close by' and 'look behind you' but still there was no visual sign of them in the area.

Finally Richard pitched camp near Bosworth in Leicestershire. Henry Tudor's army marched directly into their path. A misguided reliance on cheap local guides and bad maps had brought his army to a place where there was no retreat. No matter thought Richard. He would sweep aside Tudor and be home in time for lunch.

The Stanleys had also arrived but they preferred to keep their distance from both King Richard and Henry Tudor. They placed their army on one side of the battlefield. Richard asked why they were standing over there and got the reply 'to protect the flank' but didn't elucidate further what they meant or whose arse they were protecting. Richard made a note in his thick black book. He would deal with those two later.

The Battle

The heavy metal scene in 1485.

The armies spent the night within bowshot of each other. Richard had brought along some cannons which he fired in the direction of Tudor's camp but decided that would possibly persuade the invaders to make a run for it. So he had those silenced and spent another night having his bad dreams.

If Henry Tudor had his own nervous thoughts, he never had them written down or preserved later. In sheer army size and quality of troops, Henry's motley crew looked more likely crow food than Richard's if it came to a battle. But Henry was confident that his rival's 'loyal retainers' were waiting to stick the knife in - but only if Henry got up close and bloody with Richard.

As dawn broke, the armies prepared for the battle. No time for a bacon sandwich or a French croissant, the soldiers from both forces moved forward to get to grips and to start hacking bits off each other. When Richard saw the size of Henry's army he almost fell of his horse laughing at the puny array. Surely this could be a short fight he thought but as the English charged at Henry's army, the foreigners refused to run away and formed themselves in the the 'Swiss Cheese Wedge' in honour of the Swiss who were then one of the best fighting food shoveling units in Europe (yes, I know if is hard to believe). Norfolk was so shocked at this 'foreign trick' that his horse flung him off and onto a long unfriendly spear poking out of the ground. That skewered the final result.

Richard saw this and urged a general engagement. At the back of the army were the Earl of Northumberland's soldiers but they refused to budge. Northumberland said to Richard " start and we'll join in when you tire". Richard then sent another message to the Stanleys asking them to join in the attack on Tudor but they said "there is another army coming, we better wait here to stop them". Richard now underlined the Stanleys names in his black book and added Northumberland to the list.

Just then one of Richard's men shouted Hey King Dick! Look - 'Turdor' is over there on his lonesome. We can take him out no problem".

Death of a Dick

Death of a Dick.

Richard had long wanted to lead a charge ever since he had read an early copy of Sir Thomas Malory's Morte Arthur and Auntie Gwennie. He had always preferred Arthur's enemies to the king himself and this looked like an opportunity to historically re-enact that scene. So down the hill did Richard and his cavalry charge.

Henry Tudor who found all the metal bashing a bore, was shocked to see Richard coming straight at him. The few fat bodyguards he had placed around him were kebabbed by Richard's lance and tossed aside. There was blood and guts everywhere. Richard cried "Who is Henry Turdor? Who is Henry Turdor??" but others said they thought Richard was shouting "I'm a turd!," ""I'm a turd!!"

Henry's soldiers looked to their leader and expected him to go one-to-one with Richard but Richard couldn't get close and banged his head with frustration. Just then, Richard saw soldiers running towards him with very large pikes. Were the Stanleys about to come good and kick the Welsh shit as promised? Then he spotted they were Welsh too and then swerved the direction of their charge and attacked Richard.

King Richard fell off his horse and was then jumped on by common soldiers who stabbed and ticked him everywhere. Richard cursed his lack of a horse and then fell silent. Outside the melee a captain shouted 'do what you like to the body BUT LEAVE THE FACE'. So Richard was killed and his body stripped naked by some of the necrophiliacs present[8]. The battle was over and Henry Tudor had won. Others like Earl of Northumberland reversed marched back towards home whilst Richard's army scattered and hid in hay lofts


The battle had been won and Richard was well and truly dead. Henry Tudor was now King Henry VII. Yet it had been a right mess of a battle with dubious participants and dodgy leaders. Double and triple cross had been much in evidence. Henry's role was certainly less than heroic and so explains why the battle was never properly celebrated until some years later[9]. Perhaps everyone got a bit embarrassed by their shabby dealings on that day and later Henry had Sir William Stanley's knightly noggin cut off for dissing his performance at Bosworth. Only Richard III couldn't live to regret that day, his naked body carted off and then dumped inside a church in Leicester to underpin the foundations. It was found 600 years later.[10]


  1. Translation is 'Warning: This horse is reversing. Warning: This horse is reversing'.
  2. A fact later overlooked by William Shakespeare and the other paid Tudor propagandists.
  3. Not that two were always related.
  4. Also know as Jack Cade. Reappeared in 1450 claiming to be the grandson of Wat Tyler.
  5. The usual, mooning and getting violently sick.
  6. Also known as the 'Switchblade Stanleys'.
  7. Which wasn't that often but this was the fag end of the Middle Ages.
  8. Whether by Tudor's or Stanley's troops isn't recorded - perhaps with good cause.
  9. This deliberate non-celebration and marking of the battlefield is why 'Battle of Bosworth' tourist site is in the wrong location, according to recent research.
  10. Discovered in a car park with a ticket penalty for excess 'hanging about'.

See Also

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 24 October 2014
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/24 October 2014Template:FA/2014</includeonly>