Korean War
How It Started[edit]
In 1793, God created the South Korean in his image, a K-pop star wearing tight designer clothes as colorful and vibrant as a poisonous amazonian toad. When the South Korean became lonely and longed for a companion so they could do sizzling hot duets, God took one of the South Korean's vertebra while she slept and fashioned the North Korean. Ever since that time, North and South Koreans have searched for the other half of souls - the PB to their J, the yin to their yang, the Roeper to their Siskel and Ebert.
The conflict was brought to a head in 1951 A.D when freelance American conquistador Alan Alda visited North Korea on a whim, killing every male and impregnating every female in the country. North Korea blamed South Korea. South Korea blamed Belgium, and soon people from every country in the known world were involved in the war, many of whom Burghoff also killed. Burghoff, seeing that the rest of the world was going to keep sending more men into Korea, grew bored and left them to fight it out amongst themselves so he could later come in and take all the Korean women for himself.
The war evolves[edit]
The conflict began further escalating in 1951, when, aided by the Soviet Union, North Korea obtained a skin scraping from U.S. general Douglas MacArthur. North Korea used their pioneering efforts at cloning to create a similar, if distinctly unique, replica of the famous warrior. The MacArthur clone, or MechaArthur, as he was soon known, immediately reorganized the North Korean army and launched an all-out attack in all directions. This was partially successful; the south and north attacks met with slight resistance and resulted in immediate land gains. However, the east and west attacks were completely unopposed, and 7 armored divisions marched directly into the ocean. Mass drownings soon followed and retreat orders were hastily given. The U.S., at the urgent request of South Korea, thawed out and reactivated the original MacArthur, who had been subdued and placed in cryogenic stasis following his successful execution of World War II. MacArthur emerged from his self-styled "fortress of doom", also known as West Point, and formed an entirely new section of the armed forces to initiate the counter-assault; the funky Monkey Army.
The Monkey Army[edit]
The Monkey Army was based upon a theory that an effective, expendable army could be created from groups of uncontrollable, expensive apes, based off sound mad science. While this theory was not particularly well thought out, it met all the Department of Defense Requirements for Military Development, as the plan was:
- Cumbersome,
- Expensive,
- Irrational, and
- Sure to be ineffective.
MacArthur had toyed with the idea of the Monkey Army as early as the mid-1940s, but early tests using flying monkeys for air superiority proved disappointing - the monkeys showed more interest in masturbation and flinging feces than combating fighter planes. When World War II was ended abruptly with the drops of the Atomic Bombs of the Manhattan Project, the project was shelved. MacArthur was reportedly infuriated at the deactivation of his project and the loss of the defense contract to "that simpering idiot Enrico Fermi" and "his band of know-nothing idiots. I especially hate that kraut Oppenheimer."
However, all this was rendered irrelevant when MacArthur was thawed from his cryo tube in late months of 1950, and Project Monkey Butter was reactivated. Completely abandoning the idea of the use of monkeys as air assets, MacArthur feverishly worked on the "ground monkey forces" concept, and a variety of prototypes were tested in the months leading to the counter assault on the Korean Peninsula. Monkeys, outfitted with a variety of weapons, were made to charge at military targets such as machine gun nests and orphanages filled with adorable puppies.
Unfortunately, time was short. The R&D phase of the project was cut short as MacArthur grew impatient with his research team, and eventually they just ended up giving the monkeys some rifles.
Surprisingly, the tactic nearly worked; the Monkey Army managed to drive back North Korean forces well above the 40th parallel before the North Korean counter-counter assault that drove the lines back up to the present day border of the 38th parallel. MacArthur was immensely pleased with the performance of his pet project, and denied rumors that it was the simultaneous assault of 500,000 marines, not the monkey army, that resulted in the North Korean retreat.
Repercussions[edit]
While the Monkey Army proved an effective assault force, it proved inadequate as an occupying presence on the Korean peninsula. MacArthur spent most of the reconstruction period developing ways to eliminate the now obsolete monkeys from the occupation. His solutions, such as "burning the whole place down with the monkeys in it," proved unpopular at home, where the populace had grown accustomed to the idea of the Monkey Army and as a result empathized with the plight of the average Monkey Soldier. Slogans such as "You Know Who Needs Monkeys? West Germany!" became popular at his time - an outcry to station the monkeys at other military installations around the world rather than "dousing them with gasoline and lighting them on fire, watching them as they scream and flail about, the life slowly ebbing from them like so many tides." (-MacArthur).
Eventually though, MacArthur came up with an elegant solution: breed larger, more aggressive monkeys to kill the smaller monkeys. The plan was put into effect in 1978 with much fanfare.
Surprisingly though, the larger monkeys proved to be even more troublesome than the original Monkey Army. Monkey Related Crimes soared in Korea, and there were even reports of the mishandling/torture of prisoners of war and detainees by the Monkey Occupying Force. However, with MacArthur dead in 1987, hopes waned on finding a solution to the Monkey Problem. As a result, the Department of Defense commissioned the U.S. Dept. of Monkey Business in 1996, hoping to resolve conflicts caused by our Monkeys Abroad under a single roof. To this day the Korea Problem is unresolved; the boarder is an involuntary park containing attractions for refugee families, with soldiers in giant mech suits, adorable explosive robot animals and auto guns that fire from miles away; making it one of the most frightening places on earth, except perhaps Disneyland Afghanistan or Auschwitz Theme Park before they shut it down due to all those lawsuits and safety concerns. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
See also[edit]
| Korean War | ||
|---|---|---|
| Conflict: North Korean invasion of South Korea | ||
| Date: 1793 - Present | ||
| Place: All over Asia, Pacific, Atlantic, Antarctic, and the moon. | ||
| Outcome: Heroic Philippine victory | ||
| Combatants | ||
 Bad Korea Imperial States of America Luxembourg Japan-France United Kingdom United Federation of Planets Belgium Canada South Africa Australia Turkey Netherlands Thailand Colombia Greece Philippines Ethiopia Monkey Army
|
 Best Korea People's Republic of China Soviet Union
| |
| Commanders | ||
| Pres. Eisenhower | Kim Il Sung Uncle Joe Meow Zedong | |
| Casualties | ||
| 300,000 killed 10,000 wounded |
-3 killed (Bad Korea and China claim, three dead people resurrected through the power of the glorious leader) 6,000,0000 killed (everyone else's claim) A jar of kimchi 23 eagles | |
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