My name is Shaun Burris and I'm the lead investigator for EXTREME PARANORMAL, the only show with enough balls to push supernatural investigations into the EXTREME zone. While those other pussy shows feature guys walking around with electronic gadgets in an attempt to communicate with or document the existence of paranormal activity, I use that equipment to locate spirits so that I can get totally in their face and provoke them. If that wasn't totally xtreme-ing it to the max level, I also have other people with me. Nathan is a totally off the grid specialist in rituals and incantation techniques that pretty much light a fire under the ass of any ghost or demon. Nathan pretty much gives them a "wassup biatch"! Then the ghosts will be like, "oh yeah"? That's when I usually jump in and scream "You! Stop right there and show yourself you freakin' dumbass ghost! What is your freakin' name! Do you hear me! Show your freakin' ass right now!" It's pretty awesome. We also bring along this guy named Jason who we call our tech expert but he's really just this fat guy we use as ghost bait. Basically, all that lard protects him when ghosts attack. We tie him up like a damsel in distress at least once per show because ghosts love screwing around with him.
We put our lives on the line every day to get in the face of these spirits that obviously don't know what the hell they're doing. Why would you want to hang out, for eternity, in the exact same spot where you were viciously murdered? Ghosts are freakin' stupid! Sometimes, a cosmic bitch slap is all that's needed and I'm here to delivery that super-sized punk with extra barbecue sauce packets. It's all about taking it up to the next level until you get the results you want. I'll never forget delivering a huge smackdown on this one dude who hung himself from the rafters of his condo because his girlfriend broke up with him. His spirit refused to cross over to the other side and he kept hanging out in the condo like some unemployed, homeless drunk friend from college that won't get off the couch. We found some chick that looked like his ex and we banged her all night in the bedroom while taunting him. "Take a good look ghost dude! You're freakin' dead and I'm bangin' your girl, so move the freak on already! Nothing to see on this plane of existence, monkey boy!" Nobody has seen or heard from that ghost loser ever since! He'd better go warn all those other wannabee haunting ghosts that he just got his spirit ass slammed by Shaun Burris and EXTREME PARANORMAL biatch! That's the thrill you get when you're a paranormal investigator. Helping people out always gives you a warm feeling.
EXTREME PARANORMAL EPISODE GUIDE
EPISODE ONE: ORAL ROBERTS UNIVERSITY
Back in 1977, Oral Roberts was the first person to report seeing the manifestation of a 900 foot tall Jesus near his City Of Faith in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Roberts claimed that the giant Jesus first told him to build the City of Faith Medical and Research Center and then later showed up again in 1980 to assure him that it would be finished. Ever since that time, sightings of the Amazing Colossal Christ have increased and numerous people have reported being contacted and encouraged to engage in unnecessary large scale construction projects in Tulsa. Shaun and Nathan provoke the spirit by covering the lawns of the ORU campus with flaming pentacles while Jason is suspended from a flag pole and wrapped in bacon to coax the gigantic and potentially hungry savior to manifest.
EPISODE 2: ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY
Arlington is America's most sacred national cemetery. Located in Virginia, it's been home to the countries honored war dead since the American Civil War. Ghost sightings of Confederate soldiers marching around are common. Nathan suggests employing the ancient rite of flatus conjuring so the team proceeds to consume cans of Gypsy baked beans to season the graves before nightfall. Shaun and Nathan stuff Jason in a coffin and bury him alive in order to get him closer to the ghosts. Jason complains that he shouldn't have consumed so many beans but Nathan assures him that his flatulent aura will protect him. Shaun sees something and runs toward it while yelling. Shaun corners the ghost of Robert E Lee. and raps the Battle Hymn of the Republic to him.
Shaun Burrishas been a paranormal investigator since losing his car keys a decade ago and is currently the host of "Ghostman and Demon Hunter", a "smoking hot podcast". Burris is well known for coining the term "blue collar ghost hunting" to describe his particular style of ill advised blasphemy and encourages others who use "interesting ways of investigating" to contact him.
Nathan Schoonoveris the "Demonologist". Having studied the subject for 15 years, Nathan is an expert at pissing off the paranormal. Unlike the traditional methods of ghost hunting employed by those wussies on the SYFY channel, he knows all that cool witchcraft stuff. A "normal" investigator might be limited by respect for the dead but Nathan knows how to recreate the circumstances of someone's death and force a spirit to relive the experience over and over again until they move an ashtray for the cameras.
Jason Gowinis pretty much the comic relief of the show. When not being used as ghost bait, he's usually the first person to cry and whine about the investigation "going too far". All good paranormal investigations should have at least one fat crybaby like Jason because It tends to make the mundane look far more dangerous and extreme. Bud Abbot and Lou Costello milked that dynamic for years with a stream of profitable yet schlocky horror movies that always featured Costello screaming "ABBOT" and running away from the monster du jour. Building on that research, EXTREME PARANORMAL has proven that monsters, ghosts and evil spirits are attracted to fat little men like kids to candy. Jason's childhood dream was to be just like world famous ghost hunter Fred Jones from Scooby Doo but he's a little more like Shaggy on the show.
Martin Luther King Jr House
The team is fascinated by black people and have never met a prominent black ghost yet. Will Shaun have a dream too? Will Nathan's simulated lynching of Jason stir the spirit of the fallen civil rights leader?
The Lincoln Memorial
Does "Honest Abe" really haunt the monument? The team stages an elaborate recreation of his Ford Theater assassination to find out. Jason gets an award for his portrayal of Mary Todd Lincoln.
Monticello (Jefferson's house you moron!)
The team attempts to shake down the 3rd president of the United States for the truth about slave humping while running some ideas by his ghost agent for a potential new "reality TV" show.
Mother Teresa's Grave
The team just doesn't understand how someone could go through life without masturbating, let alone hanging out with a bunch of snot nosed Indian kids. Nathan figures if they subject a spirit to enough porn, it will be interesting to see what happens.