Uncyclopedia paranormal activity
Uncyclopedia has become known for paranormal experiences just as Wikipedia has had its share of strange happenings. While Wikipedia remains officially silent about its occurrences, Uncyclopedia, despite its admins' deep Munchkin-like fear of creepypasta, reports its incidents because its users must be warned. This is despite the overwhelming desire to get a cheap laugh after seeing visitors get pranked by spirits, evil or otherwise.
Researchers using electromagnetic (EM) meters have proven that there is supernatural phenomena going on based on clear evidence of electrical activity around a cellphone or laptop when Uncyclopedia is being viewed. Cold spots have been reported by users checking out Uncyclopedia from public bathroom stalls. Orbs are often seen around people editing pages, although the black ones are thought by some to be flies. Students often report a dark ominous figure or shadow approaching while viewing Uncyclopedia on their phones during classes or labs.
Often misnamed "Resurrection Mary", Redirection Mary has been reported throughout the U.S., with the best known incidents in the Chicago area. The stories are all eerily similar and are basically as follows:
While taking home a young woman met at a rave, the male driver is asked for his phone so that Mary could check her Facebook page. Suddenly, she abruptly asks the driver to stop and she hops out of the car with the phone and runs into a cemetery. The surprised and angry young man follows and finds his phone on a grave with its battery run down and all his minutes used up. Meanwhile, Uncyclopedia admins find that the site had been hit with hundreds of page redirects. This has happened many times over the years of Uncyclopedia’s existence.
While Uncyclopedia sysops would happily kill this woman, she is undoubtedly already dead. Paranormal experts hypothesize that Mary is a spirit with bipolar disorder or a frustrated editor who always got her articles taken down for one reason or another. A few speculate she was once standing in the middle of a crosswalk and reading an Uncyclopedia article or trying to figure out what a tiny picture was about when she was run down and killed by a motorist doing the same thing. The borrowed phone has been found left on different graves so Mary's exact identity is not known. It is known she prefers young men with expensive phones and cool cars. That factor narrows the search down to only 325 million possible candidates.
The spirit of the 13th president of the United States is often glimpsed but is seldom recognized as no one studies U.S. history anymore. A somewhat pudgy oldster with longish hair, he can easily be mistaken for Alec Baldwin at the same age, except that Millard Fillmore is always wearing a tie. Fillmore has often been reported silently staring at a site user from a cellphone screen with his hand extended. This is because patronage, or political appointments in exchange for political support or money, was a common thing in the 1850s. Therefore upon meeting people, a bribe was immediately expected by politicians just like today. If this has happened to you, you may have missed an opportunity to become Secretary of the Treasury, Third Assistant Commissioner of Amphibious Animals or something even better. Quick-thinking visitors attempting to pay have found he does not accept Bitcoin, however.
Encounters with the spirit of President Fillmore have often happened while users access articles first posted in 2005, the first year of Uncyclopedia when it was better and funnier. Some visitors have reported being able to communicate with the former president, even ones not smoking interesting substances at the time. They have warned of not criticizing him for being a bad president or mentioning that he was not responsible for the bathtub he is reputed to have installed in the White House. He has quite a temper and has retaliated by taking over Alexa or Siri and making fart noises, albeit presidential fart noises, when users ask questions. One user reported that Fillmore was seen "in a compromising position" with Redirection Mary, but experts say that that was probably old Clinton White House security camera footage.
One may ask: Why Millard Fillmore? First, his record must be considered, which the majority of historians agree wasn't all that good. His tendency to waffle and flip flop positions should have been enough for him to invent both, but he never made the next step. Further, it has been found that former presidents William Howard Taft and Franklin Pierce already are busily haunting Wikipedia. In any case, Taft is unable to fit through the portal that is said to connect Wikipedia to Uncyclopedia. The most famous presidents are occupied haunting more famous physical places and spaces. William Henry Harrison does not appreciate the jokes made about him on Uncyclopedia and has a contract haunting Roadrunner cartoons besides. Dubya will be eventually claimed by Hell. That leaves only beloved old "MillFill" on site. We and he are not too proud to admit we fit together perfectly in a world of mediocrity.
From time to time, children can be seen flitting across an Uncyclopedia page. Members doing editing have reported missing text, jumbled paragraphs and lost images afterwards. Sometimes only children's laughter can be heard. Then again, duck quacks and fake mouse squeaks have also been reported, deepening the mystery even further.
Investigators have found these are the undead spirits of children literally consumed by Uncyclopedia. These youngsters either reach the site to vandalize it or to search for forbidden sexual content just like everyone else does. However, their youthful impressionable psyches are easily wrecked by the flood of mind-warping tripe on site, both real and imagined, and they become totally immersed in it. Soon, they are converted into electrons and are absorbed by the computer servers that run Uncyclopedia, much like in the Matrix franchise, only worse. They then go about pranking editors and visitors, particularly ones that are already drunk or loaded, often correcting spelling and English so that the article written takes on a normal tone, albeit a bland Wikipedia one.
Exorcism has been attempted several times. However, the result has always been priest after priest bursting into flames, much to the amusement of Uncyclopedia sysops standing by with fire extinguishers. A literal flame war occurs, in other words. Over time, admins have learned to appease these little monsters by retaining a certain number of fart and penis jokes on site. Occasionally, ice cream is placed inside Uncyclopedia servers to appease these spirits.
Cheeseburger of Death
Reliable sources report that what is now called the Cheeseburger of Death resides on the Uncyclopedia site. While seated at a computer or with phone in hand, and while eating a cheeseburger, an EXACT REVERSED image of oneself eating a cheeseburger is seen on the screen. Others have reported seeing strange people eating cheeseburgers on screen, particularly while seated in some type of fast food restaurant. This has so shocked and surprised people that they have accidentally eaten the toy that came with the meal or even a spork, then choked and died. Some have bitten their hand instead of the burger and bled out before help could arrive. Hence the name.
Other related incidents of fatalities outside of Uncyclopedia have been reported. Eating a cheeseburger while crossing a bridge with a visible tornado nearby is apparently the trigger for mysterious unknown forces to snatch the burger away from a hapless victim. The hungry person will then chase the bewitched cheeseburger off the bridge to his or her death. The victim's vengeful spirit will then also haunt the bridge and grab cheeseburgers from the living. In retrospect, perhaps a fish sandwich would have been a better choice.
Experts advise that if the Cheeseburger of Death is viewed on Uncyclopedia in a restaurant or in public, one should remove all of one's clothing and chant "Bloody Mary" over and over while spinning on one's head like in traditional breakdancing. Police will soon arrive to escort a potential victim to a safer place.
Sketchy reports of a vortex, a one-way portal if you will, surfaced in 2016. It is associated with this page. Users are cautioned not to attempt to scroll all the way down to the end of that article. While the article is already potentially dangerous in its complexity and sophistication, friends and relatives have reported disappearances of people sitting at laptops or home computers while viewing this Uncyclopedia page. The only clue as to what has happened is that the victim quotes the article verbatim in the act of disappearing.
This is counter to the New Age concept of vortexes which are involved with healing and rejuvenation. Still, being sucked into the Uncyclopedia vortex does get you out of the house for a change.
While originally thought to be connected with the Cheeseburger of Death, that idea has since been discarded by more rational experts who weren't so hungry at the time. It has been speculated that victims are sent to the Pokemon or My Little Pony universes to be converted to new characters that are always appearing. We may never know the answer. Then again, we may not care, either, since it didn't happen to us.
- Denisovich, Ivan. "Wikipedia's hidden secrets". Russian Naval News, October 11, 2014.
- Rhee, Syngman. "Is Uncyclopedia safe for K-Pop band members?". Seoul Train Review, April 3, 2016.
- "Paranormal or paranoia?". Hauntings Online, July 28, 2018. retrieved July 27, 2018.
- sometimes a real dance where nobody does Muppet-like flailing
- no shit, Sherlock
- fat chance
- now that's more probable
- according to current Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin
- an admin's sister's neighbor's hairdresser
- based on the well-known "monkey see, monkey do" principle
- Vortices, hey. Their word, not mine; go figure.
- "Is paranoia contagious like stupidity?". Seattle Post-Intelligence, June 6, 2006. retrieved July 30, 2018.
- Arthur, Mort D. "Strange phenomena plague websites". Reality Times, January 13, 2012.
- Grefzepple, Frieda. "Greggs shop reported haunted by undead sausage rolls". The Guardian, December 12, 2015.