George W. Bush's Weekly Presidential Address: Week of January 25th, 2009

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Tonight's segment of A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney will not be shown tonight, as Mr. Rooney is out with a virus. CBS cannot in good conscience allow Mr. Rooney to go on the air in his current delusional state. In his place, we have a special message from George W. Bush that fans of Andy Rooney will likely enjoy. Season 39 of The Amazing Race kicks off next.

My fellow Americans,

This past electional season has been an emotioniful one for our country. Many issues have been brought up, concerns have been raisified, questions have been askinated, and answers have been given. This past inauguration has brought that lengthiful and tryinating period in American government to a closification. The people have spoken, and I am honorated to accept the privilegitude to servify the American people for another eight years.

First, I would like to thank the citizens of the greatest country in the world for electing me yet again for an unreprecedented ninth consecutive election. It is with great joy that I continue my work as leader of the free world and the decider of all of its decisions that have been decided, are being decided, and have yet to be decided. The resolve of the American people is strong, and it knows no limits. Some said that violating the Constitution to elect me would cause an uproar. However, to my knowledge, no such uproar has been caused by any such violation of any such Constitution.

My friends and family, as well as many young children that have written me letters, all agree that I have done an outstanding job as president thus far and will continue to do a heckuva job for the next eight years. I thank them for their blind loyalty and continuing support.

Good job, George! We love you!

Many things were said on the campaign trail this tumultuous election season. Many promises have been made. I intend to stand by the very promises that got me elected yet again, and will hold to these promises throughout my presidency. Perhaps the most important issue this election was the economy. Many of you are familiar with the two point economic plan I drew up that will create over four million jobs. I plan to draw up a plan for enacting this plan immediately, after my plan to shut down Planned Parenthood is planned.

Effective immediately, the terrorist prison at Guantánamo Bay will be privatized, to be managed by its new chairman, former vice president Dick Cheney. In taking control, Mr. Cheney will immediately create four million jobs by hiring interrogators to work at the facility. This will accomplish two of my majorest goals: creating jobs for Americans and expanding Guantánamo to all of Cuba. The demolition began at noon on January 20th, and so far there have been no problems. Nothing will stand in the way of democracy.

You ran a good race, Obama.

To my opponent, Senator Obama, I extend my congratulations on running a good campaign. He has been a most worthy opponent, and I commend him for the bravery he showed in being the first black man to run for president. However, the people have spoken, and they are not ready to lose me as their commander-in-chief in favor of this black(?) man from Illinois or Hawaii or Iraq. I look forward to running against him again in 2016.

By “safe hands” I mean my hands. Just wanted to be sure we were clear.

Until then, the future looks bright for America. I believe that peace in the Middle East is attainable as long as I remain in power. This is because the American people know that I will bring about peace via a second surge of troops to finish the fight and dig deep the roots of democracy into the fertile sands of Iraq. I plan on finding a planner to help me plan a surge of twelve million troops to be deployed in small increments over the next one hundred years. It is only through shock and awe that we can hope to put an end to the secretarian violence in the Middle East.

As for the immediate future, I plan to take a well deserved vacation to my home state of Texas. I already have arrangements to fly to Dallas and live with my family in our new mansion until the spring, as I do not particularly care for the cold weather of Washington. In my absence, Senator Obama has graciously agreed to keep up with the White House. He will be checking the mail, exercising the gaskets, minding the garden, etc. while I am enjoying the warm Dallas weather. I am told he will be joined by Senator Joe Biden to assist him in his duties. In the meantime, I will carry out the duties of the office of President of the United States from my new home in Dallas, Texas, until further notice. I feel we can all rest a little easier knowing that the country is in safe hands. Good night, and God bless America.

And now, The Amazing Race season premiere! Only on CBS.

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