Gilbert Gottfried

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"You are now reading this in my voice."

“I talk with a funny accent because I think I'm Fran Drescher! Also, I can't get a real job, so I go on Hollywood Squares to compensate!”

~ Gilbert Gottfried on Gilbert Gottfried

Gilbert Jeremiah "Dice" Gottfried (born February 31, 1955) is an American comedian, actor, former wrestler, and friend of Howard Stern. He is known for performing stand-up comedy on series such as Saturday Night Live, The Howard Stern Show, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Roasts, where his absurdist, shrill routines often approach tastelessness, but are intellectual enough to skirt the line. He is also known as the irritating-yet-endearing, thinly-veiled voice behind bird characters, including Iago in the Disney animated movie Aladdin, Digit in the PBS mathulation series Cyberchase, and most dubiously, the Aflac Duck.

Early life[edit]

Gilbert's father, the dastardly fiend in his best Sunday suit.

Gottfried was born on February 31, 195'5" in Asylium, New York, the son of ladykiller Gesche Gottfried and peking duck toolman Max Gottfried. During early childhood, Gilbert awoke one cold winter morning to the closing of the front (and only) door at his family's warehouse/apartment. Upon his wake, he rushed to the door and yelled to his fleetly-moving father, who was grabbed by an oversized pair of chopsticks and never seen by the poor child again.

In 1969, at the age of 14, Gottfried was named by Life magazine as having The Smoothest Voice of Any Lifeform, Human, Extraterrestrial, or Otherwise, winning the reader's poll in an amazing landslide of 2.42 out of 3 votes. However, after acquiring these amazing feats of vocality, Gottfried unfortunately hit puberty at the age of 15 which changed his voice (and his career) forever. His outer appearance, however, remained untouchable.

Wrestling career[edit]

Gilbert Gottfried after his fatal battle of wits with Carrot Top in the 1970 WWWF Tournament.

Gilbert tried to regain his astonishing voice through numerous hours at the gym which only resulted in him becoming an extremely buff, but highly ugly, unattractive boy-man. However, this did not hinder his pursuit of fame and fortune. In 1970, he entered the World Wide Wrestling Federation (WWWF) in which he fought Arnold Schwarzeneggman, Nathan Lane, and the impeccable Carrot Top. He defeated his first two opponents, but could not best the Carrot Challenge, and was hospitalized for a decade after suffering a near-lethal roundhouse kick to the vocal chords.

“Damn, if they hadn't shot those afro-tranquilizers at me in time, I would've torn that kid in half like a phonebook.”

~ Carrot Top on his brutal defeat of Gilbert Gottfried

“*Beneath tears* Tell my girlfriend I love her! (When reminded by his lawyer that he's single, Gilbert quietly withdrew the comment)”

~ 15-year-old Gilbert Gottfried on pain

Recovery and acting career[edit]

"See, he was happy... once..."
—Gilbert's mother on her mistake.

After several ridiculing years of rehabilitation, Gilbert spent his time doing stand-up in comedy clubs. Sadly, he continued his steady descent into despair, in which he became addicted to Pink Flamingo cocktails and microwaveable bird seed, and lived out in hotels raiding the bathrooms for his extensive collection of soap, toothpaste, and shampoos.

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That was until he found a "new light", where he was picked up by a group of funnymen known as Saturday Night Live. This group brought Gilbert back to health and became his new role models, allowing him to perform comedy routines on their show. Even when the SNLians were complicit in the Great American Humor Blight of '80, Gottfried still thought of each and every one of them as his savior.

Soon after, Gilbert got into acting where he now stays, playing roles in famous B-movies such as Problem Child and Beverly Hills Cop II, and making appearances on such shows as The Howard Stern Show and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as "Loud Tiny Asian-Looking Man Who's Not Actually Asian". Many comedy fans mistake him for a martial arts stooge from any of Jackie Chan's movies.

Signature voice and comedic stylings[edit]

Gottfried reaching out to hug his fans.

Gottfried was voted "Unsexiest Man Alive" by People magazine for 32 consecutive years, up until he did a dramatic reading of Fifty Shades of Grey in 2012. Being the racially-ambiguous son of a stuck-up, annoying peking duck entree, his voice possesses a highly-distinguished mating call. This call, which was unknown by scientists to arouse a primitive part of a woman's sexual cortex, has forced Gottfried to pursue a life in showbiz. His voice is currently under analysis by scientists at M.I.T. while edited into hundreds of Aflac Duck TV commercials. Gottfried was later fired from Aflac in 2011, after making Japanese earthquake/tsunami jokes that his employers politely described as "lacking in humor."

Gottfried is also known to perform loud, degrading racial humor that spirals into minstrel duckface rants at high decibel levels, owing to his extensive comedy training with Jimmy Kimmel. Gottfried's attempts at absurdist, deconstructionist, intellectual forms of humor with no narrative nor logic are also part of his stand-up, such as "A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask" and "The Aristocrats did 9/11 on the Empire State Building."

Personal life[edit]

In 1997, Gottfried met Lenny Kravitz's ex-wife Dara Kravitz at a Grammy Awards party. They were married in 2007 (taking as long to marry as Gilbert took to get through rehab) and currently live in Chelsea, Manhattan with their daughter Lily and son Max. Gottfried was raised as a good Jewish boy, but has admitted that he never had an official bar mitzvah. He plans on doing so when his vocal chords have worn out; only then will his impurities be purged and he will be ready to tread the path to eternal enlightenment.

See also[edit]