Jack the Ripper
|Known Aliases||Scrag Broun |
|Television Programmes and Appearances||Sherlock |
I'm a Celebrity, Please Don't Pimp-Slap Me
The Dave Show
The X Factor
The Jeremy Kyle Show
|Possible Suspects||George Osborne |
Duke of Cambridge
Jack the Ripper was a vigilante and TV personality active in the late Victorian era whose heroic actions greatly improved the hazardous industrial accident that was London in 1888. He mainly targeted prostitutes, regularly sending letters to the police informing them of his brilliant work. Other acts of kindness done by the Ripper included litter picking and participation in the local Outreach to the Elderly program, which he co-founded. He mysteriously disappeared at the end of 1888, presumably returning to hell. That, or the Fuzz nicked 'im.
Growing up in the London slums, a child by the name of Little Scrag Broun fell down a well with a man named Jack and a dog called Ripper. He consequently developed a morbid fear of both names.
Later, at the unusually old age of 9, Little Scrag began work at a factory alongside his parents. They were both killed in an industrial accident years later. Of course, there were no trade unions back then, so Little Scrag, affectionately known as Fishface now that he was six foot two, had to grin and bear it. He didn't; instead, he ran away to the end of the street to make his fortune as a pimp, but unfortunately his first prostitute robbed him blind and stole his kidney. Incensed, Fishface hunted her down and brutally murdered her, then vowed to kill any prostitute that ever crossed him again. He started actively hunting them, on an epic quest to scour the pestilent opium-addled face of the city that hated him. For the first few killings, he used his nickname, Fishface, leaving dead fish in the mouths of the prostitutes as a calling card.
Eventually he got tired of this name, mainly because no one would take him seriously, and decided to adopt the moniker that struck terror into his own heart: Jack the Ripper. A legend was born.
On the dark, foggy night of August 31st 1888, a pimp named Daddy C was making his way along the rapist-infested streets in Whitechapel, when he noticed a bundle lying in a gateway. Presuming it to be a ragamuffin he could make some extra wonga from, he went to examine it. As he got closer he realised with some disappointment that it was just the mutilated corpse of a prostitute. But suddenly, he realised that it was not just any old prostitute, it was one of his prostitutes! The whore in question was Old Swindellbottom, the eldest in his arsenal at the ripe old age of seventy-eight. As Daddy C stood rooted to the spot he heard footsteps behind him and turned to see another pimp, Carter McStrundles, approaching him. "Oi, come 'ave a butcher at this 'ere..." said Daddy C, struggling to remember what "body" was in Cockney rhyming slang. While Daddy C was reaching for his Cockney dictionary, Mr. McStrundles bludgeoned him with his infamous ring hand, causing fatal brain haemorrhage, and stole his money, his opium and his liver. For this reason, Swindellbottom's murder was initially blamed on McStrundles. But, as the Met Police was soon to discover, McStrundles was murdered in his bed that night. The mysterious killer was, apparently, a force for good.
The Leather Apron
The Ripper soon became known around the ghetto for his distinctive leather apron and name tag reading "Hello, my name is Jack the Ripper". He used a beaglepuss to disguise his face, and thus remained concealed. As a prank, he once wore a Sherlock Holmes hat to a brothel, leading to much speculation as to whether Holmes himself was the murderer. Holmes denied this, and hired Steven Moffat to produce a documentary for the BBC, portraying him in a more favourable light. Needless to say, Moffat got a little carried away, writing an elaborate and barely coherent plot involving Rupert Murdoch, a bride/assassin/completely useless character and a surprise television broadcast from a very lonely man enquiring as to whether Britain missed him. The answer was, of course, no.
Moffat's "documentary", combined with a slightly questionable addiction to Twitter, propelled him to fame. Of course, Holmes was famous already, so he couldn't really complain. The Ripper tentatively asked if Moffat could write an episode in which Holmes investigated the Ripper murders; Moffat's initial response was "@JacktheRipper99 Piss off you Trotskyist drunkard, can't you see I'm busy complicating Doctor Who?" but Holmes convinced him that it would be good for all of them; Moffat would crack the 10,000-follower mark (an accolade which, to him, was akin to beating God at cards), the Ripper would be exposed to the intellectually addling world of celebrity and Holmes would no longer be suspected.
Rise to Stardom
Moffat's eventual script didn't quite deliver; plans to include a Mexican drug cartel commanded by Mrs Hudson (in league with Moriarty, the aforementioned loner) and the ultimate revelation that the Ripper was Holmes' alter ego span out of control, Benedict Cumberbatch was unable to shoot the episode due to commitments in over seven hundred movies that week, and the episode's budget was unable to accommodate for a scene filmed at the North Pole with a herd of snow tigers, a Kalashnikov-wielding Duke of Edinburgh and an army of working Transformers, narrated by David Attenborough. When told he would not, after all, become famous, the Ripper slew Moffat, Cumberbatch and co-star Martin Freeman. This killing spree propelled him to stardom, and the Sun affectionately christened him "Rippo" ("Jacko" was already taken, and "Jack the Rippo" exceeded the comic's two-syllable nickname limit).
In September of 1888, the Ripper was invited to appear as a guest on QI with Stephen Fry, David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr and Charlie Brooker also on the panel. By the end, he had slaughtered all of them and created a Modernist artwork, "The Discombombulatively Vivacious Defamation of Nietzschean Trans-secularism", with their corpses. Of course, Mitchell and Brooker were both dead already, so they were fine, and Fry is, of course, a transcendental spirit of British humour, but Carr was basically screwed, especially since he was well aware he was going to Hell. The Ripper defended his actions by saying Fry had implicitly stated that everyone in the room was, in fact, part of a drug ring that he had sworn to eradicate. Much to the joy of the tabloid press, the Ripper repeated his actions on Newsnight, This Morning, and even abroad on Oprah, quickly turning him into a national celebrity.
I'm A Celebrity, Please Don't Pimp-Slap Me and other projects
By the start of October, the Ripper had been offered numerous guest spots on other shows, but turned them all down to focus on rooting out crime. Eventually, however, he accepted an offer from Sky to host his own reality TV show, I'm A Celebrity, Please Don't Pimp Slap Me in which B-listers found themselves working in brothels and opium dens in Olde London Towne, eventually getting murdered by the Ripper himself. Each week, the previous contestant's severed heads were stuffed and put on display in the flat from which the Ripper presented the show, identified only as "Shitey Ende". The name was later changed to "Olde Shitey Ende" to make it sound more rustic and cosy, and also because the owner of a pub called "Shitey Ende" was threatening to sue.
A short-lived spin-off featuring the Ripper's sidekick Dave was cancelled after the Ripper used his intestines to vividly explain the concept of postmodernist fascism in turn-of-the-century Bengal. The airtime was replaced with another of the Ripper's projects, Scroungey Mongler. Scroungey Mongler was a gripping soap opera set in Whitechapel, directed, written, produced by and starring the Ripper as the eponymous Scroungey, a homeless young drug pusher who built up an empire selling herbal tea, which was, of course, a novelty in that era. The series finale was watched by over 150,000 people, but failed to surpass the success of the Ripper's first show.
The Ripper's first collaborative studio album was recorded with the rapper and supervillain, MF DOOM. The pair met at the world-famous Massakrefest convention in Germany in September 1888, and formed a lifelong friendship. DOOM had just finished recording his album Madvillainy with producer and DJ Madlib. When DOOM played the record at a rave he and the Ripper had just crashed, killing everyone there in the process, the Ripper claimed that it was "pants". So they decided to record a better album, naming their creation "Maddervillainy".
Madvillainy has 152 tracks, none of which are over a minute long, and naturally Maddervillainy had to go one better. So Alien Prostitutes From Hell, the longest of the album's 244 tracks, clocks in at 35 seconds. The shortest song, Bbluhneeuurgh, is simply half a second of noise made by the Ripper as a transitionary track between classic barnstormers Sea Monstas on Viagra and Jeremy Clarkson's Mum. The most popular track on the album is Funky Dunky Moo Moo (Is Knee-Deep In Doo-Doo), an adaptation of a nursery rhyme DOOM heard as a child in England, revolving around a lecherous cow and his addiction to milkshake, akin to cannibalism in the cow world. It is also the Ripper's most popular track, and remains a particular favourite at weddings.
Trigger Happy Nipple Pincher
The final creative project orchestrated by the Ripper during that time period was the album Trigger Happy Nipple Pincher, a collaborative effort with Damon Albarn, most famous for his collaborations with everyone. A revolutionary concept, Trigger Happy Nipple Pincher consisted of forty-nine minutes of silence, then some radio static, then a single track, Gently Stoned Jesus Machine, then a further twelve minutes of bickering between the Ripper and Albarn while the mic was left on. Gently Stoned Jesus Machine featured a relatively unknown guest rapper, Snooble P. Crustman, who was audibly murdered halfway through the song using a sheep carcass and a bolo tie, in a production technique Albarn described as "audacious" and the Ripper described as "fun". After Crustman's murder, there is a two-minute breakdown during which Albarn haphazardly conducts a brass ensemble using one of Mr Crustman's fingers and the Ripper performs Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption" solo on a kazoo. Albarn then breaks straight into a monologue about royalties he has stolen from Noel Gallagher and the Ripper chases the ensemble round the studio, using his double bass as a bicycle.
The track is brought to a crashing halt with the burning down of the studio. During the twelve minutes of argument that follows, Albarn is heard to mention a cow that was present in the studio and the fact that they had snorted six ounces of meth each before recording. The Ripper accuses Albarn of setting fire to the studio with a lit cigar, and Albarn angrily points out that the Ripper is currently holding the cigar in question. There is a crashing noise, followed by numerous terrified moans and a long death rattle, then the Ripper apparently sits down at the mixing desk and sings along to a radio playing of "Mr Brightside" before tuning into The Archers, then leaves an answerphone message for Gallagher saying "I did it" and leaves.
The album failed to crack the top ten, or, indeed, the top five hundred, but Gently Stoned Jesus Machine reached number 17 on the charts before sinking back into relative obscurity. The album was voted the eighth worst of all time in a recent poll.
Damon Albarn is still missing.
Downfall and disappearance
The final TV appearance of the Ripper occurred on November 2nd, 1888, two days after I'm A Celebrity, Please Don't Pimp Slap Me officially ended. The Ripper was featured as guest act on the X Factor, performing Gently Stoned Jesus Machine with a herd of elephants. The performance failed; the Ripper was unable to precisely duplicate Crustman's murder, and one of the elephants ran into the audience, trampling sixteen people. The Ripper left sullenly, leaving a murdered Simon Cowell in his wake. He had evidently hoped murdering Cowell would restore his popularity, but Cowell was an indestructible force of evil and cohort of the Dark Lord Sauron; anyway, a recent poll showed that, thanks to One Direction, Cowell's popularity was on the up. It is believed Cowell's murder, which heavily offended Sauron, was the start of the disagreements with Satan that led to the Ripper's disappearance.
The Ripper was vilified by the press, and a grilling from Jeremy Kyle (conducted via Skype, so as to avoid Kyle's murder) did little to help the situation. His final murder occurred on the 5th November, but was blamed on Anonymous.
He posted a suicide note on his Myspace page hours afterwards, followed by lol, just kidding ;). The note was deleted immediately afterwards, though one of the few pretentious teenage girls who read it recall that it mentioned Marilyn Manson and cattle. An hour after the note was deleted, all users going to the various Myspace, Twitter and Tumblr accounts that the Ripper owned were presented with an advertisement for the Church of Satan, "personally endorsed" by the Ripper.
Whether the Ripper took his own life or was murdered himself is a matter of some debate, but Satan, in league with Sauron and Simon Cowell, has been heavily blamed. Incidentally, all those that argued this point were found dead shortly afterwards. One of the Ripper's letters to the police referenced the fact that he was "from Hell"; in a documentary on the Ripper, as part of the BBC's anthology series on serial killers, Morgan Freeman speculated that he returned there. Perhaps we will never know.
Jack the Ripper: A Celebrity Tribute
During Christmas 1888, well over two months after the Ripper's death, a tribute album was released by Parlophone, who had just bought up Blood and Gut Records, the independent label that the Ripper had released his studio albums and several live compilations with. The tribute LP contained 22 renditions of his classic songs from the likes of Jack White, Kanye West, Nicki Minaj, Ed Sheeran, Prince, David Bowie, Thom Yorke, Hot Chip, Green Day, Elbow, and the Ripper's handful of past collaborators, including MF DOOM, Beck, Snooble P. Crustman, and 2-D of Gorillaz fame doing his best Damon Albarn impression. The album was a massive success.
In 2014 an amateur sleuth claimed he had identified the true identity of Jack the Ripper after having blood stains on a dress by one of the victims. Russell Edwards claims the dress worn by Catherine Eddowes the night she was murdered contained DNA from a stranger identified as King Richard III who, contrary to tradition that he had died at the Battle of Bosworth had faked his death and moved to Whitechapel, disguised as a Polish butcher.