Jacques Chirac

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Chirac faces an oncoming train with courage.

Jacques René "Baguette" Chirac, (pronounced "sexy rack", b. November 29, 1922, d. September 2019) was president of France and Morocco a giant tosser, due to his intolerable personality and unfortunatee looks. He won the election in 1995 and 2002 on a liberal anti-United States and Pro-French cheese stance. All the other candidates also used this as their main policy, but Chirac was erected because he was the least liberal of all the candidates. I mean, all the other candidates were just looney - he was just on the looney fringe.

In his early life, Chirac was a commie. Then, he dramatically stood for colonialism by volunteering to fight in then French Algeria. From this day, he has ranted about the "noise and the smell" of the brownskins.

Chirac came to early fame when he recklessly stood up against the French population and performed the first French nuclear tests since Hiroshima on the remote islands of Ireland and Australia and once more for good measure on a moored Greenpeace boat. As the tests did not fail to show the expected results (for instance cancer symptoms on the natives of these two beautiful islands), Chirac knew that he had a weapon in hand to defend the Land of the Free against everything not French.

Since then, Chirac spent every day standing outside the White House in Washington, D.C. holding a sign saying "Je n'aime pas les États-Unis," which had no effect, given that most American people can't even read English, so understanding French is just way out of their league.

Politics[edit]

Since 1995, Chirac has been seen by the mainstream looney media of the United States as one of their own, so they proudly called his government liberal. Uh, except in 2005 during the riots, when suddenly his government was called 'conservative'. How could they do this? Well, if you saw that scene in the movie 1984, you'll know what we mean...

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Chirac has a drawer full of French ticklers, which he keeps handy to entertain visitors. Some people even suspect him of using moutarde to enhance his performance.

Chirac has happily maintained many of France's quaint traditions, such as enslaving certain African nations and islands against their will so that he can rape their natural resources. He also claims parts of Antarctica for France. You can't make this stuff up.

Chirac is also a good friend to all young people, whom he loves even more than Michael Jackson loves small children. As he was a friend of students too, Chirac took an active part in the 1968 revolution of Arab and Chinese immigrants in the cities of France.

Private life[edit]

During a bout as mayor of Paris, he amassed a nice little fortune, thanks to which his privates, which hadn't been used for two decades, got some life again. Chirac has long practiced Competitive Semaphore, due to his natural love for waving the white flag of surrender, and has been in the top 10 percentile assuring the fast and efficient capitulation of France should anybody ask or need.

At the Elysee Palace, Chirac often hosted wild parties with his intimate relations. Lot of funny money was involved and pole dancers were shipped in as entertainment.

Secret bank accounts[edit]

  • Tokyo Sowa Bank, Tokyo - 45,562,500 Euros from Aum Shinrikyo for delivery of Sarin gas.
  • The Bank formerly know as the Bank of Irak, now in Damascus - 67,307,561 Euros for weapon sales to Saddam.
  • BNP Paribas, Paris - 10,000 Euros state rent subsidy.

Afterlife[edit]

Chirac disappeared after leaving office. Richer, but disappeared. Died September 2019, just in time to avoid prison.


Preceded by:
Francois Mitterand
First Citizen of the Imperial French Republic
1995-2007
Succeeded by:
Nicolas Sarkozy