Jeff Bezos

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Richest man in the world to take photos of his penis and stick them on the Internet.

Jeffrey Preston "Jeff" Bezos (born January 12, 1964) is the richest, baldest, and most arrogant man in the world. His company Amazon plans to swallow up everything you may want to buy or sell. Bezos's ambition is well on its way to be realized, but remember to feel sorry for him that the National Enquirer has photos of his genitalia and has shared them with Donald Trump. Money doesn't buy you immunity from idiocy.

Early life[edit]

The "Brewers' Droop" version of the Amazon logo, when business was bad during the 2000–01 dot-com burst.

Born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Bezos's parents divorced at an early age, before his mother remarried and the family moved to Houston, Texas, then later Miami, Florida. He was a child prodigy, and he once rigged an electric doorknob to keep his younger siblings out of his room. Bezos graduated from Princeton University with a degree in Aggravated Economics and worked around various jobs.

Illegitimate Business[edit]

Bezos has imperial ambitions for Amazon.

Once whilst on a road trip and wanting to read about Jack Kerouac, Bezos was shocked to see that a local branch of Barnes & Nobles had no idea who this "foreign-sounding dude was". So Bezos decided to start up his own online book store, He chose the name "Amazon" in the memory of a previous girlfriend who had torn out his hair in an argument. Bezos initially appeared under the guise of a bringer of gifts to places deprived of cultural expression. His online book seller started off innocent enough, but then he expanded that service to include everything from hate literature to inflatable sexual companions.

Fitting in with the prevailing Attila the Hun approach to business, Bezos wanted to burn and destroy the opposition. He did this was gross undercutting of the opposition and a relentless opposition to organized labour. Workers at Amazon were given quotas to achieve every hour. Any excuse for not getting there would lead to a deduction of wages, loss of shifts, and the eventual frog march out of the premises. Bezos said that if it was legal, he would have employed apes and monkeys to do the job. So until Artificial Intelligence got to the stage where machines could do everything, he would stick with stupid people until it was time to sack them.

Public reaction[edit]

Bezos's approach succeeded as his company quickly outstripped the opposition. The United States was the first to fall into Amazon's lap. Europe quickly followed and soon the rest of the world (except China) had become his slaves. However, unlike the old-time slavery of whipping and branding, this new slavery would be voluntary. People were happy to buy from Amazon and then with huge mental disconnect, wonder why their local mall had just died. Amazon was offering choice — but only if you carried on clicking through their website.

Amongst the Big Boys[edit]

"Shame about child labor laws Annie, otherwise I'd have you packing books in boxes tomorrow."

Bezos was initially uninterested in the New Age capitalism ideas of Mark Zuckerberg and others who dreamed of a worldwide technocracy with them on top. Somewhat old-fashionedly, Bezos instead purchased the Washington Post as a personal indulgence. It had the advantage that one of the U.S.'s leading news outlets would never have a close look at Amazon (or indeed, anything at all by Bezos).

During this time period, Bezos carried on losing his hair until he was completely bald. To his detractors (the "follicists"), Bezos now resembled Daddy Warbucks from Little Orphan Annie. Yes, the ruthless death-machine capitalist whose heart (and maybe more) was entranced by Orphan Annie.


Michelangelo's "David Pecker" statue.

By owning the Washington Post, Bezos now appeared as a "great defender of American liberalism". This allowed him to mix in with the Hollywood elite and get to know many media people. This lead to one of the few then-known human attributes of Bezos: he is a Star Trek nut and got a cameo extra role in Star Trek Beyond as a cardboard rock.

One person who was intensely jealous of Bezos was Donald Trump. In the 2001–02 aftermath of the dot-com bubble burst, Bezos's personal wealth had dropped from $10 billion to a round $1 million when the share market collapsed. Since Trump had an aversion of the printed word, he relished the apparent imminent demise of Bezos. However, from that low point, Bezos's personal wealth climbed to $112 billion by 2018. Following the Washington Post's critical reporting of the Trump presidency, "The Donald" asked his supporters if they could discredit Bezos. He turned to his allies Roger Stone, Republican political consultant; and David Pecker, owner of American Media Incorporated and the publisher of the National Enquirer. Also, in Trump's eyes, Bezos was a dirty Latino from Mexico, a country of rapists and drug-runners.

The digging around was soon successful. In December, Pecker received confirmation that Bezos and his wife MacKenzie were going to split up (and leave her $55 billion richer). This was over Bezos's affair with TV news reporter Lauren Sánchez, born in the same city as Bezos and also of Latino descent. Trump was told that the news and also the National Enquirer had text messages and nudie photos exchanged between the illicit lovebirds in the belief their communications had been private.

"I'm harder than a Sequoia on a good day," says former adult pornstar Dave "Perky" Pecker.

Pecker authorized his minions to approach Bezos with an offer: officially lay off the National Enquirer and Donald Trump and get behind MAGA, or be deported as an illegal. Bezos replied back by going on a blog site and publishing all the details of the texts and emails he had received from Pecker's boys. He had admitted that there were photos of his penis in the hands of David Pecker. He challenged Pecker to show his "dick pix" and see who had the largest tool; Pecker had the fear innoculum needed to take on the challenge (see pictures).


Bezos's current personal distractions are that he will have to give up half of his fortune to his wife in a divorce settlement. So unless ex-wife MacKenzie prefers to live at home and bake cookies, Amazon may face a future challenger. Perhaps it will be called Maenad, after the wild women followers of Dionysus who would tear men apart if they intruded into a sacred ritual. Who knows!

Forfeiting Frontman[edit]

In February 2021, it was announced Bezos was "stepping down" as Amazon CEO. After seeing his company (and his personal fortune) rake in billions in extra dollars, Bezos said he will now run for the U.S. presidency in 2024 as an 'independent', so that he can buy the country outright. Oh, and be the first squillionaire in space, unless Elon Musk beats him to it.

See also[edit]