Libra
“I'm a Libra, and so is Will Smith and Mike Ditka, so shut your fucking mouth before we start something.”
Libra is more than a pretty pair of scales. Libra is an astrological sign, which is associated with the constellation Libra, a big jumble of stars that nobody can ever really make sense out of, and if they say they can, then they're lying, along with those people who can apparently tell the "difference" between Coke and Diet Coke. Libra is occupied by the sun from September 23 to October 23, and Librans are the greatest people on Earth. Famous Librans include Margaret Thatcher, Yo Yo Ma, a pair of scissors, 23% of all pessary kits, Deal Or No Deal?, Bovril, Snickers, me, and several other people you've never heard of. Since only fourteen Librans exist here on Earth, a paltry number of which I am a part, Librans are an endangered species, and have called on such groups as Greenpeace and A.N.S.W.E.R. to save us. Ah, fuck it, then. We're doomed.
Personality and traits[edit]
Since Librans are one of the greatest people on Earth, it therefore follows that their personality and traits must be one of if not the greatest a mere mortal like you (if you're not a Libran) could ever hope to possess. Librans tend to be, but are not always, clever, charming, articulate, beautiful, outgoing, fair, artistic, social, diplomatic, even-tempered (awww, FUCK! I spilled coffee on my fucking keyboard!!), and me. Some people have accused Librans of being impatient, envious, aloof, quarrelsome, and lazy. These people don't know shit. plus we're animals in bed ;-)
Mythology[edit]
Librans are not Gods, although people who are non-Librans do often have the tendency to believe so-- only the other day, someone fell at, and kissed the skin off, my feet. Librans are associated with the Greek Goddess of Justice, Themis, Astraea (her daughter), and me. Interestingly, Astraea carried the scales of justice with her when she fucked off to heaven, therefore, that's the reason why we godly Librans have the scales as part of our sign. Librans are also associated with the Greco-Roman goddesses Aphrodite/Venus, but if that's true, then why, exactly, am I shit-ugly? Anyway, after putting the mirror crack'd aside (hear that, Aggie? She's rolling in her grave, I'm sure), I'll carry on. We're also associated sometimes with the goddesses Eris/Discordia and Hermione/Concordia, Hera/Juno, Ishtar, Freyja, and Frigg. Frigging hell! Oh, and Xolotl. Which isn't at all easy to say when you're pissed or have had quite a lot to drink.
Health and anatomy[edit]
Being godly, you can well expect that our physionomy is absolutely wonderfully perfect and that we do not ever need to be told that we're beautiful, since we already know. However, for the benefit of those who are not Librans, and also to mash it into your faces a little bit, Librans have a graceful figure, soulful eyes, dark hair, thick eyebrows, a thing nose, small and refined features, and a fair complexion. See that? I'm sticking my tongue out at you-- my small, beautiful, refined tongue. Oh, yeah, and we're tiny too to add on to our graceful awesomness, so you'll find that lots of us work as meteorologists, along with the homeless people, because we get to tell you what the weather's like before you do. Cucumbers are useful. Librans are more likely to develop a snoring habit regardless of their age or gender and they tend to start earlier than most.
Miscellaneous[edit]
Geographically speaking, Libra is associated with all the best countries: those who really don't give a fuck, or who do give a fuck but a) won't do anything about it, b) can't do anything about it, or c) are so drunk that they forgot what it was that they were giving a fuck about. Countries include China, Japan, Denmark, India, France, Egypt, South Africa, Yo' Momma, Italy, Argentina, Eurovision, Ethiopia, Tibet, Tennis and Bjork to name a few.