Sun hot. Sun hot and round. Sun burn in sky and light world, make us see things with light. Also make us warm. Me like Sun. Except for when Sun burn eyes for looking too long. Also when Sun burn skin to crisp. Me look at Sun for long time, things look funny now... all hazy and yellow. Me look again tomorrow, will be fine. Sun is friend.
Sun look close, but hard to reach. Me reach out with hands — and mouth — and feet — but is too far. My friend Og try to stand on my shoulder and reach, say he nearly touch it once, but still too far. Tomorrow we try with three people. Og's arms long, he bound to reach!
Me wake up in cave one day and see big light outside. What is big light? me think. So me go outside to see. Turns out big light is Sun. Me never notice it before, but me like it. Sun shine everywhere me find, except in cave. Is dark in cave. Me prefer outside, with Sun.
Anyway, that how me discover Sun.
Sun round. Have same shape as stone, round stone that is. Not all stones round, but sometimes stones round. And those stones same shape as Sun, except ones that aren't exactly round. Some just a bit round. And some square too.
Stone also yellow. Sorry, no. Sun also yellow. Sometimes Sun and stone so similar me mix them up. Sun yellow like... uhh... hmm... yellow flower. Yes. Yellow flower. You know yellow flower? Sun that kind of yellow.
Sun not always yellow though, Sun mostly yellow but not always. Sun sometimes more orange. Orange like... uhh... buhh... orange flower. Yeah. You know ones. Even more sometimes, Sun not orange, but red. Red Sun even bigger than yellow Sun and closer to ground also. Red Sun huge and fat and colour of skin when me been out in Sun too long. Skin go red too, like Sun, and me scratch to make it better. Scratching not work so me hit skin with stick. Stupid skin! me yell. Stop itching! Surprisingly that not work either.
Sun so many colours, but always same Sun, yes? Og say not true and "Sun actually white colour but may appear yellow because of atmospheric scattering of blue light". Og say funny words. How is Sun white when it look yellow, orange or red? Make no sense, Og.
Sun move across sky in day, go under ground at night. That why it dark at night. Cold too, because Sun not around to make warm. At night there is moon, which make dark and cold. Moon make dark and cold just like Sun make light and hot. Sun is big fire, so moon must be big ice or something. Moon look different every night; must have disguise on. When moon bright, Og say women like men.
Sun and moon move across sky and follow each other. Sometimes they catch each other and whole world plunge into horrifying darkness. Everyone scream, and not just because me ravishing them in dark. We think moon kill Sun, but everything fine in end. Sun just carry on. Then moon did too. Lady me jump on not move though. Me think she tired because me hit her with club so many times.
Some people, like Og, say Sun not move, but that Earth move around Sun. But me not feel Earth move. If Earth move, me would fall off like when me try to ride horse. And if Earth move then who drive it? Me say this to Og, but he not listen. He just say "Sun technically move through interstellar cloud in Orion Arm". So Sun move, me say? Og just shake head and walk away. Me go back to looking at Sun. Sun friend. Fuck Og.
Me not know where name of Sun come from. People just call it Sun, so me do same. Me guess "Sun" just mean "Sun". Og say it because "Sol" be Latin word for Sun, and Latin language where we get most English words, although it a dead language. Og not say how Latin die, but it make me sad. Maybe got killed by woolly mammoth like all my family did. Also, how we get "Sun" from "Sol"? Sol end in ol, and Sun end in un, s only thing they have in common! Latin stupid... no wonder it die.
Sun hot. Sun keep us warm. Sometimes it keep us too warm and me go all red and warm. Then me not want any more warm. Me want cold instead. But cold is nowhere when Sun out!
Sun hot because is made of fire. Sun big fire ball in sky. Me not know how fire become shape of ball, or how fire ball get so high, but somehow Sun did. Og say that it was "gravity that forced it into a sphere" but me know he lie. He know no nothing about sun, my friend. Me try rolling fire into ball once but me just find it not very pliant. Also, hands turn to black cinders, but if that not happen, me might manage it. Sun so hot, it cause fire. Sun burn things and make them fire. Like in forest fires. Sun cause fire yesterday, although Og say it not Sun, it was me that set fire, and that is why me in this place. Me say, "what you talking about Og!?" He always call it "correctional facility" but me not know what he mean.
Og say me not allowed to see Sun anymore. Og say me bad, and so they take away window. Me not do anything bad, though! Me just try get out window to be closer to Sun. But Og say that bad, Og say me need to stay at "correctional facility" for long, long time. He also say me have to stop talking like this, whatever this be, and stop wearing animal skin. "Nurse fed up of having to buy new cat," he say. Me only defending my self against big sabre-tooth, me say.
Me sad to see Sun go, me love Sun, Sun love me. Me try to put own window in wall when they take window away. Me stand in front of it when they looking, so they not know. But when they stop looking, me look at Sun. That way, me and Sun always see each other. Me love Sun, want to give Sun hug. Maybe when Og let me try three people, me be on top, not Og. Og not deserve be on top, he take away window, try keep me away from Sun. Og cunt.
| Cream of the Crap|
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2011.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
|This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.|
|Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune|
|Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Dystopia| Roseanne|
|Dwarf planets: Asteroids | Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax|
|Unconfirmed: Garnox | Unicron|
|Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus|
|In a galaxy far, far away: Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star|
|Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS|