Lynx Cool Metal Shower Gel

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Even the packaging is more manly than the average steelworker. And it's X fucking L!

Oh man, my new shower gel, Lynx Cool Metal, is the absolute nuts. It is the most male thing in the history of masculinity. Just owning a bottle of it should carry health warnings for the rest of the population, and it is now in my possession!

Why is it so awesome? Well, I'm glad you asked: there's one really big reason:

It's got metal in it!

How much more masculine is it possible to be? My new shower gel is made of metal! Just showering with this stuff practically makes me a cyborg, which automatically adds serious awesome points. Think about it: smooth skin, honed to a glistening sheen by the application of sleek, shiny metal... Man, never mind the girls, it's getting me wet thinking about it. This is the kind of shower gel the Terminator would use, and I picked it up from my local Tesco - talk about lucky find of the year!

And the metal in question is not just any metal either, it's zinc. Zinc! That stuff's used in batteries, which means, ladies, that just like your favourite little toy, I'm now battery powered! Which means that, ohhhh yeeeaaaahhh, I can go all night, and unlike your favourite little toy, I come with extra benefits (including the fact that, now that I shower regularly, I no longer smell like roadkill!)

Not enough for you? Well...

It's got Quartz in it!

Now, I'm no geologist, but I'm pretty sure that's a rock. That's right, my skin is so goddamn manly and craggy, I need to wash it in some kind of rock to smooth it out! Oh yeah, read it and weep. And one thing I am sure of is they use it in wristwatches. I have no idea why, or how, but anything used in watches is also technological, and therefore makes me even more superhuman!

Yeah, I'm thinking maybe it's a mineral, and OK, that stuff's found in mineral water, which is a little bit wussy, but think about this: chicks love to drink that shit, and showering in this stuff means it'll be all over my body - that's right, they're going to be queueing up to lick it off me! This is great!

This is the "before" shot. After I used it, I was so manly my likeness couldn't be captured on camera

It's the manliest shower gel, like, ever

I'm pretty sure that just being in the same room as someone wearing this stuff raises your testosterone levels - male, female, hermaphrodite or pussy, you are automatically more manly after a brief encounter with someone who washes in it. Apart from hot chicks, obviously. The only manly thing in them is going to be me, when I'm wearing this stuff! Oh yes, I'm talking about you, Laura Wilson in my science class: try ignoring me now! I just washed my wedding tackle in an anti-corrosion agent! If that doesn't prove I'm manlier than that hairy great ape you keep making eyes at across the classroom, I don't know what will!

This is the greatest male hygiene product that money can buy

And it's so good, I may not even need my new anti-acne facewash and cream, my anti-dandruff shampoo or my inhaler tonight - I'm going to the prom in my best gear, and I'm just going to wait for my awesome levels of mannishness to overwhelm Laura Wilson. And if that fails, I still have my trusty back-up. One way or another, this is gonna be my night!

And now, even my cell-mate agrees!

Yeah, so it turns out that leaping on top of a passed-out drunken chick with your dick out, while yelling "I'm the Terminator, bitch, and I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are laid!" is against the law somehow. Must be a pretty specific law, if you ask me. So now I'm here in jail, which pretty much sucks - I showered in Lynx Cool Metal before the trial, in case it was one of those chick judges, because I'm sure she would have let me off, if it was. But no, it was just some old guy in a wig who was immune to my masculinity. Although he did wink at me when he was talking about how I needed to be punished, which was a bit weird, now I think about it.

Anyway, the final confirmation of how manly this product makes me came from the guy I'm sharing a cell with, which is pretty cool, seeing as I was kinda scared of sharing a cell. I mean, you hear stories. But this guy just seemed so cool. He told me I smelled like a real man as soon as I walked in the cell. He told me he likes real men. And he's, like, covered in tattoos and shit. But I'm not worried about the shit, because I told him he can use my shower gel, which he liked. And he has a moustache too. That's pretty manly, right? So yeah, he knows all about manliness. And he tells me this is definitely a manly smell. In fact, he kept smelling it, just to remind him what real manliness smelled like. And he told me he's going to take good care of me, which is reassuring! So yeah, this stuff can even help you survive prison - how cool is that?!

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