Magic: The Gathering

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Children on psychedelic drugs often play Magic on the bus to school.

“I'd tap that.”

~ Random MTG player, most likely referring to a card.

Magic: the Gathering, also known as Magic: the Geekening, is a fantasy themed narcotic card game for two or more people. During the early 2000's, it was promoted by the Saudi Arabian government and Hasbro coalition as an attempt to gradually eliminate Westerners by rendering their young males lifelong virgins. However, the effects of MTG on the Western population has been negligible, as the game typically draws players who are too repugnant in appearance to reproduce anyway.

History and overview[edit]

Magic was created by Richard Garfield (or maybe the Devil, see above) in 1993 as a cheap substitute for turkey sandwiches, known to be the primary source of protein that geeks require to live. It was the first card game to use decks that geeks constructed themselves from a much larger puddle of cards, which were purchased in randomized lumps that never contained the cards that you were looking for. Currently there are around 600,000 unique cards in circulation, each with a unique sets of rules and abilities. The sheer volume of cards in existence means that even the people who created magic don't remember all of the cards anymore. This is further complicated by the fact that, like Pokemon the makers of Magic seem to release a new set of cards every two weeks, making it harder and harder for anyone to make any sense of the game whatsoever.

A typical MTG card

The original objective of Magic: The Gathering was to reduce your opponent's credit score from 20 to 0 by reciting formulas to summon soul-devouring demons. Each life point is a representation of 5% of your soul. However, because most people lack the integrity to slaughter sacrificial rams while speaking in Sanskrit, the loss of soul from losing the game has only occurred about 85 times. The cards were released in packaged sets, of which there were two types: the "base set," and the many "expansion sets." The base set has eleven editions, and contains rubbish cards that beginning noobs play with. The expansion sets has too many editions, and contain the only worthwhile cards that were required in order to win. The cards themselves could be any one of several colors: purple, yellow, orange, pink, gray, brown, maroon, aquamarine, lavender, gold, and Taco-bell poop brown. If drawn correctly, harnessing each of these colors together will form the legendary Megazord. It is rumored that upon assembly, the Megazord will grant the assembler one wish, which can include a physically desirable appearance, love, unlimited wealth, or even a decent personality. However, current player demographics suggest that this has never been achieved.


There is an active tournament scene for Magic players. The way it works is that one person creates a deck that is copied by one thousand other players who have to spend close to the GNP of Rhode Island to actually construct their copied tournament deck. There are various levels of tournaments, from FNM (Foolish Nooby Mortal) tournaments (played on almost any night of the week, depending on where you are) up to world tournaments (not played on Friday nights, except when they are). The losers are forced to continue living in their parents' basements while the person who wins the world tournament is allowed to strike down any clever opponent of choice with a Magic Bat and could actually live off of their yearly winnings.


The rules are printed on the cards, making one card (Eager Cadet) simple to play with. The other cards all require errata, which you must print out and carry with you. The 1000-page rules, along with the 6000 pages of errata, make playing Magic slightly more arduous than, say, belly poking. Even with the rules and errata, rules debates often arise when someone is being an asshole and actually trying to play the game correctly. Rule debates require the intervention of a licensed referee, usually a homeless person, who is typically paid with Subway coupons.

Disputes are typically resolved with a final decision by the aforementioned homeless referee. If an agreement cannot be made, then the

Foil Cards[edit]

It is a commonly known fact that all "foil" cards are in no way better than their non-foil counterparts. And, if all the foil cards are owned by a single human being, he will have accomplished nothing. But hey, at least they're shiny!

Many players prefer to have all the cards in their deck foil. This technique, known as the "FOIL" (Standing for: First, Outer, Inner, and Last) Is a complex algebraic formula for deriving the opposite of green. Players alternate playing foil cards similar to the rules for the game War, and if two cards are equally worthless, the players compete in a tense nerd battle of who can name the most magic cards in one breath.

While "foil" cards function exactly the same as normal cards better than non-foil versions, some are significantly more expensive. While the average magic player spends upwards of $3000 a year on Magic Cards that they don't even use, a Foil collection of equal size is valuable enough to buy a small country in Africa. However, most nerds choose to buy the cards instead out of fear of being forced to interact with other human beings. Plus, they're shiny!

The Colors[edit]

Magic is divided into five very distinct colors. Each of which give you the ability to sexually violate your opponent in several incredibly violent, yet unique, ways.


Attendees engaging in the sacred act.

Is the color of holy goodness. It's creatures are beings of light and order such as angels, soldiers, priests, clerics, bird thingies, ghosts, and even God. White spells allow you to heal poison, STDs, cancer, teenage pregnancy, Mental retardation, polio, and even stupidity. It also gives you protection from red, green, black, blue, instants, sorceries, artifacts, creatures, the Covenant, Master Chief, Halo, Darth Vader, snake bites, bee stings, hornet stings, poison oak, Professor Oak, heavy metal, rock, rap, reggae, country, southern rock, grunge, thrash, trash, dirty laundry, pirates, the black plague, God, Satan, Oscar Wilde, and even motherfucking ninjas! Also protection from mothers and fucking. Basically, it protect you from anything that is colored. On the downside, nobody wants to play with you because the deck makes you look like a racist.


Burninating reddens up everything

This is the color of fire. It is, predictably, a deck which consists of bombs, grenades, goblins, orcs, WMDs, ogres, communists, the AK-47, Fire Balls, Lighting Balls, Lightning Balls, and normal balls. Red allows you to burn, electrocute, blow-up just about anything: birds, mountains, your momma, the principal, it's even gonna burn down your school. Gather enough red cards, and your collective will even have the power to protect you against the lies and deceit of capitalist blue players. Furthermore, the green fundamentalist hippies will have no power against you. FIRE, man, FIRE, what more can I say?


Blue is the color the nerds play the most. Whenever one tries to play anything, the nerd will show his dark smile and say "You've activated my trap card", which causes all of one's spells to blow up into bits and make one's head erupt with anger and annoyance. Blue is also the color of combo. One of the most well known combos used by the many nerds, make the player draw a metric shitload of cards, play shit loads of broken spells 97 times, then make the opponent buy you a drink. Due to the opponent being in financial difficulties made from dumping all his money for pieces of cardboard, this buy puts him in an eternal debt, causing him to commit suicide in distress.

No no no! Not that type of green card!


Green is the color of nature, psychedelic drugs, and gay elves. Most of the monsters featured in Green cards are the sort of things that you would see when on a psychedelic trip. Typically, the people who play green decks are either hippies or druggies. Most often, they are both. It is unusual for green players to win because they are usually too stoned out of their mind to play the game properly. Instead, most green players usually spend their time checking out the raaaaad card art and the shimmer of foil cards.


Unlike, green players, black players are largely comprised of edgy teenagers and angry alcoholics with daddy issues. Black players will also do anything to win. Using Black mana, their major abilities are stealing life from the opponent and using poison. Their main enemies are the White, Green, and jobs. They excel at running, shooting, and being lazy.


Yellow is a secret color in Magic: The Gathering. Most players are either too unskilled or too illiterate to know that it even exists. If Magic players talked to other more often, or bothered to read Uncyclopedia more, then news of this color would probably spread faster. However, most are doomed to an inadequate existence of mediocrity.


Given the extremely large number of cards and abilities, Magic players have created a plethora of overly complex and cheesy strategies. Usually these strategies are dependent upon which cards the player decides to include in their deck. Some of the most popular and successful Magic strategies include the following:

  • Red: A deck which is just a random pile of red cards.
  • Dragons: If you have no imagination, look no further!
  • Goblins: A deck type that is only surpassed in annoyingness by the people who play it.
  • Humans: Like the Chinese, this deck overruns one's enemies with sheer numbers of shitty cards.
  • Sexy Hot Ladies: A type of deck which exclusively features cards with hot elves and angels clad with surprisingly little clothing. Typically, it is used to distract one's opponent while you cheat. On it's own, it is actually a pretty terrible deck.
  • Slivers: A deck of strange creatures shaped like mutant penises played by only the most flauntingly homosexual magic players.
  • Zombies: Mostly comprised of undead cards and usually played by people who are basic bitches.

Social effects[edit]

Magic: The Gathering has been destroying lives with its overpriced content and soul stealing. Each year, there are over 10,000 documented cases of MTG addiction, most of which result in higher-than-average rates of childhood obesity, unemployment, being forced to move out of your mom's basement, starvation, and being known as "that kid who plays Magic all the time." MTG addiction has also led many players to resort to bargaining and even theft in order to feed their addiction. Currently, there is no known cure to this devastating and debilitating disease.